I CAN SING. I CAN SING SO WELL.
1. Throw whatever training आप have out the window (though being in a children's choir for five years doesn't count as "training", but whatever helps Emmy Rossum's प्रशंसकों sleep at night). Emmy's too good to take voice lessons, and so are you, dammit!
2. Make sure your jaw is really tense ALL the time. Emmy's jaw is always tense. I'll let आप imagine why.
3. Sing through your nose. Trust me, everyone loves a nasal tone.
4. Find unique, bizarre ways to pronounce your vowels. You're too good for proper diction.
5. आप must make weird sex faces when आप sing, otherwise आप are doing it wrong.
6. Write really godawful lyrics that make आप sound like you're still in elementary school या junior high. If your songs don't sound completely cringeworthy, juvenile, basic, and simplistic, then आप are doing it wrong.
7. Use the entire world's worth of auto-tune on your albums and EPs. Inside Out, Sentimental Journey, and Carol of the Bells all do this. If आप don't abuse auto-tune on all your albums, आप ARE DOING IT WRONG.
8. Sing with ZERO emotion. If आप sound even slightly interested in what you're singing, then आप ARE DOING IT WRONG, GODDAMN IT.
Just follow those simple steps, and आप too will be link, just like Emmy!
If your mouth is open wider than this when you're singing opruh, you are doing it wrong.
