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“Crazy Old Cat Lady”

“The Penguins of Madagascar”

Season 4 Episode 7 (4X07)

Production Code: 407

Previous: “The डॉल्फिन Who Hired Me”
Next: “Porpoise With a Purpose”

Crazy Old Cat Lady/Transcript

Scene I: Gladys’ Apartment

(Nana and Gladys are sitting down at Gladys’ coffee table, drinking चाय and laughing)

Nana: (Chuckling) So I कहा to him, “My Handbag!” and I WALLOPED him right where it hurt! He was a very bad kitty, that Alex! Oh (giggles) yes he was!

Gladys: Oh but dear, how did आप ever get out of Africa in the first place?

Nana: Oi, Gladys, it was quite the trip! I had to survive on my wits, courage, and a very large supply of hard candies. Poor Mr. Chew (She indicates the dog asleep at her feet) missed me during my safari!

Gladys: Oh, I know how आप feel. I would simply die if I was separated from my kitties! And how I sure missed our Sunday get-togethers!

Nana: I agree. And I’m surprised how well Mr. Chew and your Zoe get along so well!

(Zoe jumps onto Gladys’ lap. Purrs affectionately)

Gladys: She’s such a good little kitty!

Nana: I have always thought she was a strange looking little kitty. What kind of a cat is she?

Gladys: I have no idea, but she’s just precious! (Baby talks) Yes she is, yes she is!

(Zoe plasters a smile on her face and chuckles nervously)
(Camera zooms outward, दिखा रहा है the exterior of the apartment. The view morphs to a post card of an apartment held in Private’s flippers)


Scene II: पेंगुइन HQ (Inside)

(Private is laying on the floor लेखन the post card he was just दिखा रहा है to Skipper) (The other Penguins are watching TV)

Skipper: Remind me again, soldier, where exactly /is/ Nigel again?

Private: I don’t know, sir. I’m mailing this to Headquarters, and they कहा they’ll आगे it to him. Do आप think he’ll like this one? It has a lovely apartment building on it.

Kowalski: (To Private) Studies दिखाना that चित्रो of classic architecture correlate to higher visitations to a city. Simply put, I think that-

Rico: (Shushes Kowalski) Shh! Tryna watch my soap operas! (He remains glued to the television. Changes the channel to static and munches on popcorn.)

Skipper: (Blinks) Okay then… one of these days, remind me to ask Rico what this show’s about. Anyway, Kowalski, what’s the status रिपोर्ट for the Zoo?

Kowalski: (Checks his clip board) Nothing out of the ordinary, although the chimps seem to have developed a new method of communication. I believe it is some sort of secret code. Look. (He reaches for the periscope and lowers it down to eye level.)

Skipper: (Waddles over towards it) Let’s see what all this is about.

(The view switches to the Chimpanzee habitat, where Phil and Mason are seen scratching their rears in a seemingly बिना सोचे समझे pattern)

Skipper: Those clever fiends! Kowalski, I want आप to study this new code and see if we can crack it.

Kowalski: Right away, sir!

Skipper: And, private, I-

Rico: (Cuts him off) Soap Opera! Quiet!

Skipper: Heh…sorry.

(Rico stares at the static again, disgruntled at the interruption)
Scene III: Max’s Shed

(Zoe’s back is facing the camera as she scales the exterior of the apartment building)

(Walks towards Max’s shed and knocks on the door)

Max: (Opens the door with his eyes closed and makes an gestured inward to his shed, inviting her inside) Come on in, honey! I made dinner, and now we can finally go on the candlelight रात का खाना I promised you-

Zoe: (Glares at him and smacks him upside the head) Wrong girl, doofus!

Max: Ow! Jeez! (Rubs the side of his face where he was smacked) Girls hurt! What do आप want, Zoe?

Zoe: (Her defenses crumble. Panicked) आप gotta help me! (Shakes him द्वारा the shoulders) I can’t stand it there anymore! I know, I know! I used to प्यार it there, but she’s gone too far! (Drops her voice to a strangled whisper) She…. No! I can’t! It’s too horrible!

Max: (Greatly interested) Tell me!

Zoe: (Cries out) A Kitty Fashion Show! She made me these little costumes and has me दिखाना them off! It’s horrifying!

Max: (Scandalized) No! She didn’t!

Zoe: Yes! She did! And the final straw was today! She has this batty old friend of hers over, and they spent the whole दिन baby talking to me and her…..actually, it’s either a very small dog, या a very large rat, but whatever this Mr. Chew guy is, he and I were forced to play nice the entire day! It’s torture!

Max: Is Mr. Chew’s owner a little old Russian lady who hits everybody with her handbag?

Zoe: Yeah. Why?

Max: Then you’ll need और help than just me, Zoe. If आप want out of there, it’s not gonna be easy. She’s a crafty old lady!

Zoe: You’re telling me! She finally convinced Gladys that she doesn’t have three बिल्ली anymore!

Max: Then this /is/ serious. आप know what we need to do now? Stay Calm and call the penguins. (He starts cracking up, and stops when he realizes Zoe isn’t laughing with him.) What? I was referencing those “Stay Calm” t- shirts and captioned pictures आप see everywhere on the internet.

(Zoe glares at him and says nothing)

Max: आप don’t get out much, do you? Don’t आप have a Flitter account? या a Friendbook page? Come on, Zoe! Even /I/ have a Flitter account! (With a touch of pride.) 6,573 followers, thank आप very much!

Zoe: (Flatly) Just call the penguins.(She climbs back down the wall)

Max: Jeez! Ok! I’ll be here later in case आप wanna take a crack at my other cheek!


Scene IV: पेंगुइन HQ (Interior)

(The Penguins are facing Max, interrogation-style.)

Skipper: Why is it that whenever someone needs to escape from crazy old cat ladies, आप come to /us/ for help? This is beginning to be a bad running joke.

Max: Well, it wouldn’t be much of a story if आप weren’t involved. And besides! आप don’t know what Zoe’s dealing with. They’re doing Kitty Fashion Shows!

(Rico gasps and faints)

Private: (Gasps and quavers) Not…little booties and bonnets too?

Max: (Solemnly) The whole enchilada, my friend. /And/ Gladys has company over! Nana and Mr. Chew are back!

Skipper: Nana? I thought we left that crazy old dame back in Africa! And Mr. Chew’s back, too! This is /not/ good.

Max: Yup. That rat-poodle-thing tried to take a bite out of me once. Took out part of my ear. कुत्ता that size aren’t natural.

Kowalski: Please, spare us the details. But with the combined threats they pose, we’ll have to work quickly.

Skipper: I agree. Postpone Operation: Monkey Business and commence Operation: Cat Out of the Bag!

Scene V: Exterior of Gladys’ Apartment

(The Penguins and Max are scaling the walls of the building)

Skipper: Ok, this is starting to lose its originality. There are only so many times आप can do something like this and have it be interesting for us. This is, like the third tome we’ve been here, Max! Where’s the adventure in this?

Max: C-could we maybe argue about this when we’re n-not 14 stories above 5th avenue?!

Skipper: Oh, don’t be such a fraidy-cat! I thought बिल्ली were supposed to be natural climbers! We do this sort of thing all the time and we’re experts at this!

Private: (Loses his grip. Swings his left flipper up to grab on to the windowsil of Gladys’ apartment) M-maybe not t-this type of climbing.

Rico: Don’ look down, Pri-vet! Hehehe! (He sits down on the windowsil and drops a stick of dynamite. Whistles until it hits the ground) Kablamo!

“My Car!” Guy: My car!!

Rico: (Calls down) Sowwy, dude!

Kowalski: (Sits अगला to Rico) T-there’s a correlation between heights and the probability of l-losing one’s b-balance.

Skipper: This is why I’m the leader. With आप guys and your fear of heights, you’d never be able to pull a mission like this off! Now… let’s go save us a ferrett!

(A pause)

Skipper: Wow… I really need to work on my rallying dramatic statements.


Scene VI: Gladys’ Apartment

(Zoe rushes in the open door and clambers into Gladys’ lap when she isn’t looking.)

Gladys: Look what I made you, Zoe! (She holds up a knitted cat-sized sweater) Isn’t it gorgeous?

Nana: And I made one for Mr. Chew! (She indicates a miserable looking Mr. Chew sitting on the couch)
Gladys: Oh, dear! I haven’t knitted like that in years! Let’s put it on her!

(Zoe allows herself to be picked up and dressed up)

Zoe: (Hisses out the window) Help…me!



Scene VII: Gladys’ Windowsil

(The Penguins and Max look in the window in horror)

Skipper: Let’s stop this fashion दिखाना before it turns fatal! Boys, let’s हटाइए out!

(They all sneak in the open window)


Scene VIII: Gladys’ Apartment

(The Penguins and Max crawl under Gladys’ couch)

Private: (Whispers) What do we do now, Skipper?

Skipper: (Whispers) We need a way to distract the old biddies and that…rat-poodle-thing.

Gladys: (Muffled, from above) Come on Zoe! Walk the runway! Be Mommy’s little fashion model!

Nana: Come on, Mr. Chew! Work it! Woo-hoo!

Skipper: Boys....and Max…commence Plan: B37J!

Max: What’s B37J?

Kowalski: You’re about to find out!

(They all roll out from under the couch. Mr. Chew starts yapping)

Nana: Ach! It’s the bad birdies I was telling आप about! Get them Mr. Chew!

Skipper: Max! Take Zoe and run!

(Max and Zoe run out, with Gladys trailing behind.)

Gladys: Kitties! Come back!
(Mr. Chew stands up on his hind legs. He and Skipper वृत्त around each other threateningly.)

Mr.Chew: (Growls) So, we meet again. Been a long time since that क्रिस्मस caper, huh? (Lunges)

Skipper: (Side steps the attack) आप can talk?? (Mr. Chew penches with his paw. Skiper blocks him and strains to hold the paw back)

Mr. Chew: Of course I can! (Sarcastically) What (Punch) did आप think आप were the only sentient being on the planet? (Skipper blocks him)

Skipper: My abilities to come up with snappy one-liners are rusty today, so I’ll give it my best: Let’s tango!

(The two पंच and block some more)

(Nana, Kowalski, Rico and Private are fighting द्वारा the bookshelf. Rico regurgitates a grappling hook, which accidentally fires, nearly hitting Nana. It hits the lightswitch, blacking out all the lights except for the one directly above Mr. Chew and Skipper, who are practically टैंगल्ड from punching and blocking)

(Private knocks Nana backwards into Gladys’ record player, which starts up, playing an पुराने ज़माने का, पुराने जमाने tango)

(Skipper and Mr. Chew try to free themselves, and do so to tango dance steps, unknowingly. They dip and spin. Skipper realizes what is going on and uses it to his advantage. Mr. Chew is swung around and spins right into the wall, knocking him uncoinscious just as the song ends. )

Nana: आप bad birdies! Now it is time for Nana to teach आप a lesson आप will not forget! (She reaches into her पर्स and takes out a ball of yarn and knitting needles. She does a karate yell and a whoop, and swings the yarn and knitting needles like nunchucks, which लपेटें around the penguins)

Nana: (Drags the penguins closer to her) Now I have you! (Chuckles menacingly)

Rico: ( Looks at Skipper) Now?

Skipper: Now! Rico, go and work your magic!

(As Nana picks the penguins up, Rico regurgitates a tube of denture paste, which he squeezes onto Nana’s glasses. She drops the penguins, temporaily stunned as she tries to wipe the paste off. The penguins belly-slide out of the apartment)

(Nana walks around blindly and smacks her head into the door, knocking her unconscious. She falls back onto the couch, snoring loudly)


Scene IX: Central Park

(Max and Zoe are being chased द्वारा Gladys. They quickly dart behind a tree)

Gladys: (Out of breath) Kitties, come back! I have some nice tuna मछली for (Pants) you! Whew, I need to sit down! (She sits on a bench nearest to Man and Zoe’s hiding spot)

(She starts running again and collides with someone, who is revealed to be Officer X, now Park Maintenance Worker X)

X: Grandma? What are आप doing out here? आप know आप shouldn’t be running at your age!

Galdys: Xavier! Good to see you! How’s my प्रिय grandson doing today? I’m just trying to run after my kitties. They ran out of the apartment.

X: (Concerned) Grandma, let’s get आप back home. And maybe to a pet store या something where we can think about finally getting आप a dog.

(They start to walk off)

Gladys: Can I adopt that sweet and cuddly little एक प्रकार का बड़ा कुत्ता, मास्टिफ़ आप told me about? What was his name again? Oh, right! Elmer!

X: (Chuckles nervously.) I don’t think your apartment allows कुत्ता the size of tanks. How’ bout a little pomeranian, पोमेरेनियन instead?

(They are fully out of sight now. Max and Zoe sigh in relief.)


Scene X: पेंगुइन HQ (Inside)

(The penguins are seated around their cinderblock table)

Private: Glad that’s finally over with!

Rico: (Sadly) Yeah.. but no kablamos this time.

Kowalski: (Consolingly) There will be other explosions, rico, believe आप me.
(He perks up instantly and grins crazily)

Skipper: (Face-flippers) Aw, crud! I just realized we forgot something!

Private: What is it?

Skipper: We never found out what that code was!

Kowalski: I did some research. It’s just their natural method of cleaning themselves called (Air quotes) “grooming”. They do it all the time in the wild.

Skipper: (Considers this) Nah. I still think it’s a code.


Scene XI: The Chimp Habitat

(Mason and Phil are drinking चाय together)

Mason: I say, old chap. Let’s practice our secret code again.

(Phil nods vigorously)

(They start scratching)

(Captions with translations)

Phil: “What do आप think of that man over there gawking at us?”

Mason: “ I don’t rightly know. What do आप think we should do?”

Phil: “Let’s fling poo at his stupid white car!”

(Camera shows a black screen. A loud “SPLAT!” is heard)

“My Car!” Guy: Not again!! Ugh! My car!

Voice Cast;

Skipper: Tom McGrath
Kowalski: Jeff Glenn Bennett
Rico: John DiMaggio
Private: James Patrick Stuart
Gladys: Rollanda Watts
Zoe: Ashley Bell
Max: Wayne Knight
Nana: Elisa Gabrielli
Mr. Chew: Dee Bradley Baker
Officer X: Cedric Yarborough
“My Car!” Guy: John DiMaggio
Mason: Conrad Vernon