January, 22, 2010,

I was in Frank's car and we were on our way to the release party/CD signing because my album "Legacy" was released this morning. I looked out the window and then back at Frank as I कहा "these crowds of प्रशंसकों just keep getting bigger and bigger!" The line of प्रशंसकों stretched all the way around the Dunkin' डोनट अगला to the संगीत store where the CD signing is being held. Frank got a worried on his face and I unbuckled my seatbelt.

There were some poorly built metal gates that separated the main entrance to the store and the fans. I walked alongside Frank as we made our way down the path to the front doors. I stepped a little closer to the gate so I could wave to the fans. Before I could walk away, one of the 13-year-old girls grabbed the strings on my स्वेट-शर्ट, स्वेटरशर्ट, sweatshirt and tried to pull me closer. A teenage boy grabbed my arm and yanked me over the चोटी, शीर्ष of the gate. Frank obviously didn't notice as he continued to walk up to the doorway. I screamed "FRANK" at the चोटी, शीर्ष of my lungs. He turned around to see me lying on the ground having everything ripped away from me द्वारा the crazed fans!

Frank literally had to pick me up and झूला, स्विंग me over his shoulder. He carried me inside to a back room of the store where they put all the extra inventory. He put me down and looked at me as I stood there with giant rips in my sweatshirt! He asked "ARE आप OKAY?" I कहा with a shaking voice "I think so! I've never seen people like that before; they are like savage animals! I think one of them ripped off one of the बेल्ट loops on my pants!" He took a sigh of relief and asked "are आप sure you're okay?" I कहा as my hands shook "yeah, it just freaked me out!" He कहा "I didn't think आप were at the point that आप needed to travel with security guards; I guess I was wrong! I was going to wait until a few days before आप go on tour to खोजिए for a bodyguard but; I'm going to have to हटाइए that up a little bit! Do आप think you're okay enough to go through with the CD signing?" I कहा "of course, I'm not going to let down all those प्रशंसकों out there!"

I took off my स्वेट-शर्ट, स्वेटरशर्ट, sweatshirt revealing my plain white T-shirt and followed Frank down the hallway. As we got closer to the main room, the two of us heard the प्रशंसकों chanting "ALANNA, ALANNA, ALANNA!!!" I कहा "it's so weird hearing that because for years I was used to hearing people chanting dad's name!" He कहा "this is just the beginning kid! आप better get ready for your tour because that's going to be 10 times worse; I promise आप that!"

I walked into the room and thousands of प्रशंसकों were waiting in a LONG line. I sat down at the तालिका, टेबल in the front of the room with a backdrop of my "legacy" album cover behind me. The store security guided प्रशंसकों through the line just long enough for me to sign their CD. After about four hours, everyone had had their CDs autographed and it was time to clear the store of customers so we could start the release party.

After waiting around for about an घंटा and playing with an application on my cell phone while the staff members set up for the party; people started to arrive. The first people to come were some of my family members, Prince, Paris, Blanket, my Aunt Latoya and grandma. They walked up to me and Prince sat down in the chair nearest to me. I looked up from my phone and asked "where's my uncles?" Aunt Latoya कहा "they कहा that they were too busy to come!" I कहा "seriously, all they ever do is sit around and they couldn't come for three hours to support my new album being released?"

Then a whole crowd of मशहूर हस्तियों walked into the room and I think that's what I realized that I was one of those celebrities. Paris was definitely taking advantage of the opportunity to hang out with some of her role मॉडेल like the Jonas Brothers. As I was talking to Adam Sandler I felt someone tap my shoulder and turned around to see who it was. I was shocked to see Damien's mother Kate standing there. I hugged her with a smile on my face and asked "what are आप doing here? I didn't expect to see you!" She motioned for me to follow her outside because the संगीत was so loud indoors.

We walked outside and the two of us sat down on the curb. She कहा "I had come down here to दिखाना my support! I listened to the album the whole ride down here and it's amazing; especially man in the mirror!" I कहा "thanks for the compliment; did आप see Carter yet?" She कहा "yeah, he was sitting on Prince's lap and eating some potato chips off of his plate. Oh my gosh; he's getting so big!" I कहा "I know, he's walking and talking now!" She कहा "Damien told me that he came down here around Carter's birthday; how did that go?" I was debating in my mind whether या not to tell her how it actually went but, I कहा "it was okay; I wasn't expecting it but it was okay."

I took a deep breath as I adjusted my backwards facing hat and कहा "so… I heard he has a girlfriend!" She कहा "yeah he does and he lives with her in her parent’s basement." I couldn't help but laugh at the fact that he's living in some dusty old basement and I asked "what's her name?" She कहा "Amber I think." I looked at her confused and asked "you're not sure what her name is? Haven't आप met her?" Kate कहा "yeah I met her; she seems kind of snobby if आप ask me! I think her parents probably spoil her! Damien tried to convince me to let the two of them हटाइए into my house and I told him that he needs to start growing up and being there for the baby! Did he spend time with Carter when he came to your grandmother's house?" I कहा "I tried to get him to but, he doesn't really want to interact with him!" She कहा "I hate to say this about my own son but, I don't think you're ever going to get through to him AJ; he's a लॉस्ट cause! I wouldn't waste your time on trying to fix him because I've tried and it doesn't seem to work! He's just in his own little world where he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything that he does; he's immature and that's all there is to it!"

I saw someone walking towards the building and कहा "oh my gosh, I think that's Jesse McCartney!" I started blushing and Kate clutched her side in laughter as she squeezed out the words "I don't think I've ever seen आप blush before! आप really think he's that cute?" As he got closer I whispered "not cute but damn sexy!" She started laughing hysterically as he was just a few feet away from us. Jesse walked up to me and hugged me as he कहा "longtime no see! I haven't seen आप since आप went to my tour in 2005!" I कहा while trying to play it cool "yeah, I प्यार your new album! It's in my truck right now!" He कहा "I can't stay too long but I just wanted to stop द्वारा and congratulate आप on your first album!" I कहा "that means a lot coming from you; thanks!" He कहा "no problem" and turned to go back the way he came. As he walked away, Kate कहा something but I wasn't paying attention. She snapped me out of it and asked "will आप stop checking out his butt?" I कहा as I blushed "sorry, I can't help it! He's just so perfect looking!"

January 31, 2010,

Frank had gone to go pick up my new tour bus while I spent an घंटा with my family before we left to go make our way to the first संगीत कार्यक्रम on my "Legacy" tour; which is in Maine. I was helping Blanket with a videogame while Carter sat on my lap. I asked as I quickly glanced over at Prince "you haven't कहा much today; that's not like you! What's on your mind?" He stood up and कहा arrogantly "like आप care anyway!" He stormed out of the house slamming the door behind him and I looked at grandma confused. I took Carter off my lap and passed the PlayStation controller to Blanket. Grandma कहा "I wonder what's got into Prince!" I grabbed my truck keys off the counter in the रसोई, रसोईघर and कहा "I don't know but, I'm going to find out!" She asked "do आप need help finding him?" I कहा as I opened the front door "no, I have a pretty good idea of where he is!"

After driving around for 15 मिनटों yelling his name out the window, I spotted Prince sitting down in front of the Lake. I pulled the truck in and कहा as he turned around to look at me "I figured आप might be here!" I shut the truck off and hopped out. I walked up to him and sat down in the grass. I asked "what's going on with you? What was that whole thing back at the house about?" He कहा something that I definitely wasn't expecting to hear "I don't want आप to leave!" I कहा "I thought आप would be excited that I'm going to be gone pretty much nonstop for eight months! आप and I are always arguing about something so, I figured आप would be excited to have a break from me!" He कहा "I was… Until today because it's finally hitting me that you're going to be gone for a while!" I कहा "you know that if आप ever need to talk all आप have to do is call my cell phone! The only time that I won't pick up is if I'm on stage but, I'll always return your calls afterwards. He कहा "it's not that, it's just that when you're here in makes me remember what it's like to have dad around again! I just keep picturing him lying on the ground and me knowing that he was already gone!"

I कहा as I put my arm around him "I know how आप feel because the same thing happens to me all the time! आप just have to remember the good times we had with dad when he was here!" Prince कहा "I just don't want to forget those memories because that's all we really have left of him now!" I asked as I started laughing "remember that time at Neverland when आप and I decided to have a submarine adventure in the bathtub when I was six and आप were three?" Prince कहा with a smile on his face "oh yeah, dad went to go get our towels and the two of us flooded the whole bathroom in a matter of minutes!" I laughed as I asked "remember, dad came back in with the towels and was slipping all over the place because of all the water and soap we got on the floor?" He कहा as he started to laugh "yeah, daddy was so frustrated with us because he had to spend hours mopping up the water that was 3 inches high!" I कहा "I don't think he ever left us alone to go get something ever again after that!"

Prince कहा "then there was that time when आप and I were fighting all दिन and he tied the two of us together so we would have to get along? I कहा "yeah; I remember how much I hated आप that दिन because आप didn't want to do anything that I wanted to! What about the sleepover's you, dad, and I used to have together right after Paris was born!" Prince कहा "I remember that! We would watch cable या फिल्में and drink चॉकलेट milk!" Prince squinted his eyes and started laughing with an evil tone. He looked at me with a mischievous look on his face and I asked "what?" He कहा "now I remember! One time when you, dad, and I had fallen asleep watching a movie, आप had had four glasses of चॉकलेट दूध and when we had gotten up the अगला morning आप had wet dad's bed!!!" I got defensive and कहा "I did not; you're imagining things!" He laughed and कहा "no, no I'm not! I remember cause आप कहा 'I'm sorry daddy! I didn't mean to!' Then I remembered dad saying 'it's no big deal! It happens sometimes! I'm not mad at you!' The अगला time he didn't let आप drink anything!" The memories came flooding back to me and I कहा trying to change the subject "alright, let's go घर and see my tour bus!”

Prince teased "okay, whatever आप say tomboy tinkler!!!" I playfully threatened as we climbed into the front सीट of my truck "you better not tell anyone about that चॉकलेट दूध incident! What do आप expect? I was only five years old when that happened!" He didn't give me an answer as he stared down at my truck keys. He asked "how come आप have three keys? What are the other two for?" I कहा "I've been trying to figure that out since I got the truck! Nobody else knows what they're for either! I've tried them in every lock I own but neither of them works! At this point, I really don't think they belong to anything! I just think they are fake and just pretend!"

I pulled into the driveway at Havenhurst and caught my first glimpse of my tour bus. I opened my truck door and ran towards the bus. Blanket, Paris, Carter, and grandma stood outside and I कहा "wow the outside of the tour bus looks awesome!" I stared at the giant decal of what appeared to be dad's hand passing my hand his signature sequin glove; with the words "Alanna Jackson Legacy tour" written underneath it in सोना lettering. Grandma started crying and कहा "the image is so symbolic! In a way when your dad signed आप to his record label he pretty much did pass that दस्ताना, दस्ताने onto you!" I कहा "I never thought about it like that before. Please don't start crying; at least not yet because I don't have to leave for another 15 minutes!"

All of us walked onto the bus and I was starstruck! Prince कहा "wow, this is crazy!" I looked around and there was a leather सोफ़ा, सोफे with a huge flatscreen TV and an Xbox 360 mounted on the table. I walked towards the back of the bus and there was a pretty good-sized room with a full-size bed. Then there were four bunkbeds that could be folded up to reveal और living space. I went back into the room with the full-sized बिस्तर and noticed the medium-sized bathroom. Frank कहा "I don't mean to glorify myself but, I think I did a pretty good job picking out this tour bus as your घर away from home!" I कहा "that's an understatement!"

Frank looked at his watch and कहा "I hate to tear आप away from your family AJ but, we have to get going because we have to pick up your new bodyguard in 10 minutes!" I sighed and कहा "this is so bittersweet because on one hand I'm getting to live out my childhood dream and on the other hand I don't want to leave आप guys behind; especially Carter!" Prince hugged me and कहा "I'm going to miss you! आप better come back and visit as often as आप can!" I कहा "of course I will!" Paris कहा "you better prepare yourself because now that I have a cell phone I'm going to text आप a lot!" I hugged her and कहा "I'm looking आगे to it!" I looked down and Blanket and he started crying. I picked him up so his legs were wrapped around my waist and asked "what's wrong?" He कहा as he cried into my shoulder "I don't want आप to go! Eight months is too long!" I कहा "I'll see आप as much as I can during those eight months!" He कहा "I know but, it's not the same as having आप here every day!" I कहा "I'll be back before आप know it! My Los Angeles दिखाना is in two months and I'm going to stay here the night after the show! I kissed the चोटी, शीर्ष of his head and put him down. I looked over at grandma who was visibly upset and I कहा "I'll be back; I प्यार you!" She कहा as she hugged me "I प्यार आप too! Please be सुरक्षित AJ!" I कहा "I will; I promise!" I looked at Carter with a halfhearted smile on my face and कहा "here comes the hardest part! I took Carter out of grandma's arms and कहा "I प्यार आप Carter! I'm going to miss you!" I don't think he knew how long I was going to be gone for because he's only 14 months old! I कहा as I kissed him "be good okay?" I passed him back to grandma and Frank कहा "okay, we'll see आप guys in April!" All of them walked off the bus and I stared out the window as the bus driver drove away.

February 1, 2010,

I woke up in my room inside the tour bus and looked over at the alarm clock to see that it was 7 AM. I didn't technically have to be up for another two hours because we wouldn't reach Maine until then. I sat up on the edge of my बिस्तर and rubbed my eyes. I stood up and looked in the mirror at my blonde hair that was sticking up in every direction.

After I took a shower, I walked out into the living room area and sat down on the leather couch. I looked over at Frank to see him lying on one of the twin size bunkbeds with his mouth wide open and snoring. I looked across from me and a tall athletic looking man was sitting down in a chair. I कहा "you must be my new bodyguard, my name is AJ and I'm sorry I was asleep द्वारा the time they picked आप up; या else I would've introduced myself yesterday." He कहा "that's no big deal; my name is Jeff." I laughed at Frank's obnoxiously loud snoring and कहा "it doesn't sound like he's getting up anytime soon! आप must not have slept really good last night because आप were in the अगला बिस्तर over from him." Jeff कहा "it's not that bad as long as आप put a तकिया over your head!"

While the bus driver drove us to the arena, I worked on my homeschooling. If dad didn't make it mandatory for me to finish high school I would've already dropped out द्वारा now. Being famous means और to me right now than being forced to do all this awful history paper work! History has always been my least प्रिय subject in school but, ironically it's probably the one that I understand the most! I'm obviously capable of getting all A's on my रिपोर्ट card but, I've fallen so far behind since giving birth to Carter that I'm down to a D-. Looking back at it now, I definitely could've been और motivated and applied myself!

2 1/2 hours later, we pulled up in front of the Portland Civic Center and I looked out the window at the thousands upon thousands of प्रशंसकों that crowded the streets. The दिखाना doesn't start until seven but some of those प्रशंसकों have been waiting a while because they had tents and sleeping bags laid out on the sidewalk. Jeff looked out the window while Frank made a business call in my bedroom. Jeff कहा "those प्रशंसकों must be freezing out there!" I कहा "we should buy some of them some hot chocolate!" He कहा "okay" and we walked to the nearby Dunkin' Donuts.

A few मिनटों later, we walked out carrying a giant container of hot चॉकलेट and hundreds of Styrofoam cups. Jeff and I went back to the sidewalk where all the प्रशंसकों were lined up. I passed out a few cups of hot चॉकलेट and then the chaos started. Once they realized that it was really me passing out the cups, they started freaking out! Some of them actually started crying and then I felt something touching my feet. I looked down and backed up as a boy attempted to steal my shoelace. I asked "do आप mind? That is my shoe आप know! I'm trying to do something nice for आप guys and आप just want to rip me to shreds!" Jeff कहा "hey, what do आप think you're doing boy? Get away from her shoes!" Jeff gently forced him backwards and I sighed with relief because I knew with Jeff here there wouldn't be a repeat of the CD signing!

As I sat backstage waiting for the opening acts to finish, Frank put his hand on my shoulder and कहा "get ready for this kid! This is just the beginning and don't forget… Every दिन creates your history!" Those words stuck to me like glue as I bent down in the stage टोअस्टर, टोस्टर that's going to shoot me onto the stage for the opening song. The संगीत to "another part of me" paused in suspense as I shot onto the stage. आप could hear my feet slam on the ground as I landed and stood there in silence. I didn't move, didn't flinch, nothing, as I stood there in a सोना suite like the one my dad wore in his "history" tour. If there's one thing that I was able to pick up from watching my dad perform when I was three years old, it was the power and importance of using suspense to captivate the audience.

I stood there still in silence and waited for a full मिनट before making a तत्पर, तेज, स्विफ्ट movement to the rim of my sunglasses. I slowly ran my fingers across the lenses as the crowd exploded into an uproar of screams. I yanked my sunglasses off and the संगीत started playing again.

After a few songs, it was time for a costume change and I rushed backstage dripping with sweat. As the crewmembers helped me quickly and efficiently put on my अगला outfit, Frank कहा "you're killing it out there kid! They प्यार you!!! I smiled as I drank from a water bottle that was दिया to me. I कहा "I'm happy to be out of that suit because it's really hot!"

Before leaving the stage after I had performed the last song of the show, I started talking to the audience "I want to say thank आप to all of आप for coming out to see me perform today! I appreciate all of आप that slept on the sidewalk days in advance!" I looked up at the ceiling and कहा "I hope I made आप proud tonight dad!" I looked back at the audience and कहा "thank आप all for coming from the bottom of my heart!" I left the stage and confetti fell from the ceiling onto the thousands of fans.

I walked backstage and sat exhausted on the couch. Before I even have the chance to catch my breath, Frank, Jeff, and the rest of the crew came running over to me. Frank कहा "that was awesome AJ! Your dad would be so proud of you!" They all showered me with compliments and then I heard my phone ringing. I put it up to my ear and कहा "hello." Grandma asked excitedly "how did it go?" I कहा "it was awesome! Now I know what dad was talking about when he कहा stuff about having an adrenaline rush when आप go out there!" Prince interrupted "we miss आप AJ!" I कहा "I miss आप guys too! How is my little munchkin doing?" Grandma कहा "he's doing well; I think he's a bit confused about why you're not here with us." I asked "can I talk to him?" She कहा sympathetically "I would go get him but, Paris is getting him to fall asleep and if he hears your voice right now he'll be up all night!" I कहा with disappointment in my voice "okay, I understand. I'll talk to आप guys tomorrow I guess." I hung up the phone and tossed it down अगला to me on the couch. I didn't like the idea of not being able to talk to Carter. I wasn't mad at my grandmother; I was mad at myself in a way for not being able to call him before his bedtime! This is the longest amount of time that I've spent away from him since he's been born and it's going to take some getting used to!

February, 8, 2010,

Today was my दिन off and we were in Virginia. We rented a hotel room and I wanted to go get something to snack on. Jeff and I walked into a family-run grocery store and I immediately went for the कचरा, जंक, रद्दी खाना aisles. I picked out everything from gummy bears to cheddar cheese potato chips and followed Jeff safely to the checkout line. There were quite a few people ahead of us so; I decided to look at a magazine that was on the rack अगला to me.

I searched for one and saw something that caught my eye. I picked up the latest issue of "people magazine" and looked at the cover. I couldn't believe it; there right in the center was a huge picture of Prince carrying Carter into Walmart. That part didn't bother me but, then I read the title. It कहा "which Jackson family member has a secret child? Turn to page 70 to find out!" I frantically flipped through the pages and there was a whole लेख about Carter! I looked at the pictures and they were personal pictures that I had taken of him. I read as I bit my lip angrily:

“I bet you're all wondering who this cute little guy is; well we finally found out! According to Jermaine Jackson, he is surprisingly Michael Jackson's firstborn daughter Alanna Jackson's son Carter Shawn Jackson. I know; that's surprising! Apparently, AJ had Carter in November 2008 when she was only 14 years old. I would've expected better of Michael's extremely sheltered children than to become a teenage mother. Jermaine says that the extended Jackson family has never met the baby's father and he is unsure if AJ still keeps in contact with him. We'll keep आप पोस्टेड about any new information on the baby. In the meantime, आप can see Alanna Jackson on her 'Legacy’ tour. I wonder who's watching her son while she's traveling?"

I quickly threw the money for the magazine on the counter and dashed to the tour bus that was waiting outside for us. Frank looked at me as I stormed onto the bus and sat down at the table. I dialed uncle Jermaine's phone number and put it up to my ear. He कहा "hello AJ; it's nice to have आप call me!" I snapped back "don't bullshit me!" He asked "what's wrong?" I कहा "what's wrong? What's wrong is that आप sold a story about Carter to the press! I know आप did because आप were the only one that had the पासवर्ड to my computer where they got those pictures I took of him! I can't believe that आप would sell my sons opportunity to have a normal life! That's so low of आप and I hate आप for that! I'll never forgive you! आप may be able to manipulate grandma into getting what आप want but, आप sure as hell aren't going to do it to me! Are आप that desperate for attention? Go to hell; आप jerk!"

I hung up the phone as Frank sat there shaking his head in disbelief. I ripped the magazine and half and stomped on it. Jeff कहा "I can't believe your uncle would do that to Carter! Now for the rest of Carter's life the press will be all over him!" I कहा "I was planning to raise Carter as normal as possible but I guess that's not going to happen now! What a lot of people don't know is that half of my family is money hungry, egocentric, asses and the other half are loving, selfless, genuine people! The messed up thing is that he doesn't even care if he destroys Carter's chances of having a normal life! The only thing he cares about is the 20 grand that he got for selling the story to the press! All my uncles were always hitting dad up for cash and I'm not about to let that happen with me! Frank, I don't trust any of my extended family with the money that I've been sending to buy खाना and diapers for Carter! From now on, I'm going to physically buy that stuff myself and mail it to them because I have a feeling the money is not going where I intend it to go! Grandma is too easily manipulated द्वारा my uncles for money and I think she's giving them the money I've been sending to put towards Carter! My family is so dysfunctional it's ridiculous!"

February 9, 2010,

I was sitting backstage after performing and thinking. Frank कहा "okay kid; we can go back to the hotel room I rented for the night.” My bodyguard Jeff got up from the chair he was sitting in and followed me to the back door of the संगीत कार्यक्रम arena. He opened the door and I definitely wasn't prepared for what was on the other side. 30 paparazzi people immediately crowded me and started asking questions. "AJ, do आप miss your son? Are आप still in a relationship with Carter's father? When will आप be going back to the Havenhurst compound to see the baby?" I was blinded द्वारा all the flashing from their cameras as Jeff gently pushed me onto the tour bus.

Once we arrived at the hotel, Jeff, Frank, and I each went to our own hotel rooms. I sat down on the बिस्तर and took out my cell phone. I dialed Paris's number and waited for her to pick up. She कहा "hi AJ how was your संगीत कार्यक्रम tonight?" I कहा "it went okay; is Carter still awake?" She कहा "yeah, he eating SpaghettiOs but; I'll put the phone on speaker so आप can talk to him." Paris कहा "mommy's on the phone Carter!" I smiled as I heard Carter कहा "hi mommy!" I कहा "I miss आप buddy!" Paris coached "say I miss आप too!" I laughed at his attempt to copy her because it sounded nothing like what she said. Paris कहा "he's so cute; he's always asking 'mommy come घर today? Mommy went bye-bye?'" I कहा "oh, that's adorable! I miss him so much! Okay, I'm going to go to बिस्तर now before I get too sad! I प्यार आप guys and I'll call आप tomorrow!"

March 3, 2010,

Frank, Jeff, and I walked into Tiger beat magazine headquarters and were greeted द्वारा a photographer. There were racks of clothes and baseball कैप्स on a nearby table. The photographer asked "are आप excited to be in the magazine again?" I कहा "yeah; I can't believe that kids actually want to hang posters of me up in their rooms!"

द्वारा now, I was so used to चित्र shoots because pretty much every teen magazine has me right in the center of their cover; usually right अगला to Justin Bieber. The good thing about being a female artist is that I don't really see him as a threat because males have a whole different game plan and appeal. Whereas with me, I opened up the idea in today's culture that being a tomboy is just as good as being feminine!

After posing for hundreds of different possible posters, I signed some of the तस्वीरें so they could be photocopied and blown up into poster sized. The magazine also had me autograph a few copies of my CD so they could use them as part of some of their monthly contests.





April 29, 2010,

I'm in Los Angeles and I just finished my concert. I jumped into the back सीट of the car that was waiting for Jeff, Frank, and I. We drove to Havenhurst and Frank कहा "I'm not going to go in! I hope आप have fun with your family during your break! We'll be back to pick आप up in a week!" I waved goodbye and ran down the driveway as fast as I possibly could.

I swung open the front door and casually walked into the living room waiting for my family to notice me. After five minutes, Prince looked up from the TV and shouted "AJ; your back!" Blanket ran up to me and wrapped his arms around my waist as I kissed the चोटी, शीर्ष of his head. He squeezed me and कहा "I missed आप so much!" I कहा "I missed आप too!" Grandma asked as she hugged me "how long are आप back for?" I कहा "only for a week but; I'm going to make the best of it! Where are Carter and Paris?" Prince कहा as he hugged me "Paris was giving him a bath last time I checked."

I ran upstairs and looked in the bathroom but nobody was there. I walked into my room to find Paris carrying Carter who was wrapped in a blue towel. Paris hugged me and कहा "I'm so glad you're back! I was just about to get him ready for bed." I playfully shoved her out of the room and कहा "don't worry about it; I'm back now! That's my job!"

I walked over to the बिस्तर where Carter sat still wrapped up in the towel and shivering. He smiled and कहा "mommy come home!" I smiled and कहा as I started to get him dressed "I missed my munchkin so much!" I sat down on the बिस्तर अगला to him as he flopped down on a pillow. I playfully put my hand up in the air and imitated a claw as I कहा "oh no; do आप know what this means?" He smiled and I noticed that all his baby teeth had finally come through. I कहा "the tickle monster is going get you!"

As I tickled his stomach, he laughed innocently as he looked up at me. I stopped so he could catch his breath and he climbed onto the तकिया अगला to me. He कहा "I need ba-ba!" I got off the बिस्तर and passed him the baby bottle that was on the nightstand. I shut off the light and put the TV on SpongeBob SquarePants. He rested his head on my shoulder and I kissed his forehead. There was a moment of silence as he looked up at me and कहा something that warmed my heart. He looked up at me with those big brown eyes and asked "mommy?" I asked "huh?" He brushed my cheek with his tiny hand and कहा "mommy, I प्यार you!"

I looked at him in the eyes and कहा "I प्यार आप और Carter!" The way he कहा that being only almost 18 months old made me want to cry! I could tell that he missed me just as much as I missed him! It's going to be so much harder to leave him at the end of this week!

April 30, 2010,

I walked through the door with Carter in my arms after taking him to the store to run a few errands. I noticed that there was someone sitting on the सोफ़ा, सोफे अगला to grandma as I looked at the back of their heads. I put Carter down and he ran into the play room. Grandma turned around and कहा "it's good that you're back because I want to sort of introduce आप to someone!"

I sat down on the सोफ़ा, सोफे and कहा as I looked at the blonde haired woman sitting अगला to grandma "Debbie; is that you?" She shook her head in agreement and I asked curious "what are आप doing here?" Grandma asked "you know how Prince and Paris have already met your mother?" I कहा "yeah but; what does that have to do with Debbie?" Debbie smiled and कहा "it's nice to officially meet my daughter for the first time!" I asked "what do आप mean your daughter?" She smiled and कहा "I'm your mother AJ!

I sat there stunned for about three मिनटों then I said" wait… You're…" Before my mind could process what I just heard, I stormed out of the house slamming the door behind me. Debbie followed me and कहा "Alanna; just let me talk to you!" I tried to get away from her unsuccessfully as I tripped on my shoe and fell to the ground. She put out her hand so she could help me up but I just looked at her and pushed myself off the ground. She grabbed my sleeve stopping me from running away and forced me to sit down on a bench.

Debbie कहा "I want to know what you're thinking?" I asked irritated "you really want to know what I'm thinking? Okay; I'll tell you! I'm thinking that I hate you! I'm a mother now and I don't understand how आप could just leave all three of us and never see us again! I haven't seen आप since early 1999! I know that I could never leave Carter for that long!" She कहा "it wasn't meant to be the typical mom and dad relationship! Your father and I never wanted it to be like that!" I कहा "I don't understand why आप didn't want visitation with us!" She कहा "I wanted your father to get the chance to be a dad! आप guys were my gift to him! It wasn't my job to raise you!" I कहा angrily "it would've been nice to have known आप were my mother this entire time! Do आप know how difficult it was for me growing up without a mom around?" She asked "in what way?" I कहा "it was extremely awkward for me when I had to say 'ummm dad; I think I'm having my first period!' Then have him run to the store to get tampons!" She looked down feeling guilty and कहा "I wasn't thinking about that kind of stuff when I decided not to play a role in your life." I snapped back "yeah well; आप should of! Dad wasn't much help when it came to woman things! He was completely freaked out and wanted nothing to do with it! I had to learn everything on my own!" She कहा "I'm sorry about that; I really am! I hope you'll forgive me!" I कहा "it's going to take a lot और than just saying you're sorry! Just give me my अंतरिक्ष and I'll come to आप eventually when I get used to the idea of having a mom! Just don't force it on me because I'm not ready yet!" Debbie कहा "I completely understand and I don't want आप to feel obligated to spend time with me! Just know that I'm here for आप if आप ever need me for anything!"

The mood between us calmed down and I looked at Debbie and she burst out laughing. She कहा "I'm sorry but, I just have to know; how did your dad ever figure out what tampons to buy?" I chuckled as I remembered and कहा "he bought 10 different brands and basically threw them at me!" She कहा "I can totally picture your dad being like that!" I कहा "you should have seen the look on his face when I told him the first time that I started my period! His eyes were as big as saucers and he just stared at me for 15 मिनटों straight only blinking a few times!" Debbie held her side as she continued to laugh and her eyes began to water. I कहा as I started to laugh just as hard "it took me an घंटा just to get dad to go to the store and get them! He just kept pacing back and forth in the रसोई, रसोईघर saying 'oh my gosh, oh my God! Are आप sure you're not just seeing things AJ? Please tell me it's not that!!!' Then I कहा 'it's definitely my period dad!' He was in denial about it! Looking back at it now, it was actually pretty funny!"