Chapter 12,

January 30, 2005,

Tomorrow, the people versus Michael Jackson criminal trial begins and I am the only one out of us kids that knows what is going on. Dad had made me promise him that I wouldn't tell Prince, Paris, and Blanket what's going on because he doesn't want to scare them. It's really hard on me keeping such a big secret because underneath my fearless personality; I'm really scared! I do a pretty good job of hiding it though.

We are back in Los Angeles and are staying in a temporary rental house until the trial is over. I went down the hallway and into the living room. I sat down and turned on my Game Boy. Dad came into the room with Prince, Paris, and Blanket following him. I कहा "when he आप guys doing?" He कहा "nothing much" and sat down अगला to me on the couch. Prince sat down on the other side of me and asked "what are आप playing?" I कहा "Pokémon Ruby" and turned the power off. Dad asked "are आप sure that आप don't have anything on your mind AJ?" I कहा as I went up to my room "yes dad; for the millionth time I'm fine!" He कहा "okay; I just wanted to make sure that you're okay with everything that's going on."

I shut the door and lay down on my bed. I flipped through the TV channels and change the channel to Nickelodeon. I took a deep breath and कहा to myself "I can't believe everything that's gone on in this past साल and it's all because of stupidity!" I opened up my dresser drawer and pulled out a चित्र album of pictures. Most of them taken a few months before Prince was born. As I flipped through the pages; I smiled at pictures of dad and I when I was just a few months away from turning three years old. I could hear Prince talking with Grace on the other side of my door and then I heard dad say "bye children, I'll see आप in about four hours!"

He knocked on my door and asked "can I come in and spend the time with आप for a while?" I कहा "yeah sure." He walked in and sat down on the bed. He dropped a big box in front of me and कहा "look what I found!" I looked inside and it was filled to the very चोटी, शीर्ष in old VHS tapes. I asked "what do आप have all of these for?" He कहा "it's a whole bunch of घर फिल्में from when आप were little and I thought आप and I could watch them together. It might help get your mind off of things!" I was reluctant and he कहा "just watch a few at first… I'm telling आप that it will make आप feel better. Don't try to tell me that आप aren't stressed out because I know आप are! I always know when आप are!" I asked "how did आप know?" He कहा "I just know when my baby isn't doing well. It's part of being a dad." I rolled my eyes and कहा "dad; I'm almost 11 years old, I'm not a baby anymore!" He कहा "you may be getting older but you'll always be my baby!"

He put a videotape in the VCR and pressed the play button.

Video one:

Dated at the bottom of the screen: January, 8, 1996

We were in the living room at Neverland ranch and I was sitting on dad's lap. He started गाना "champion" द्वारा Queen. He would sing one lyric and I would sing the next. That went on for about five और मिनटों before I got off his lap and started playing with the toy पियानो that was in the room. He zoomed the camera in on my face and कहा "you want to be just like just like me when आप grow up, don't you?" I कहा "yes!"

(Dad paused the video and कहा "even back then आप knew what आप want it to be!" I कहा "I still don't see the point in watching this. If anything it's making me और depressed! He कहा "just give me the benefit of the doubt please! That's all I ask." He switched videotapes and pressed play again as I rolled my eyes.)

Video two:

Dated at the bottom of the screen: February, 2, 1997

We were in a hotel and a woman behind the camera कहा "hi AJ!"

(I paused the video and asked dad "who's that holding the camera? I can tell द्वारा the voice that isn't Grace." He कहा "that Debbie. Do आप remember her? It's been a long time since you've seen her." I कहा "yeah; I remember her. I always wondered why she stopped coming over every few months after Paris was born." He कहा "I'm sure that she is very busy but; आप will see her again someday!")

I कहा "hi; I want to see" while pointing at the camera. She showed me what the camera was filming and then I ran off. The door opened and dad walked inside. He looked at the camera and at Debbie. He asked "you threw away that B – O – T – T – एल – E आप found last night, right? I don't want AJ to find it. I'm not ready to go into war all over again!" Debbie कहा "yeah; I thought आप told me they आप through all of those away a long time ago." He कहा "I did; I have no idea where she found that one last night! I had to spend 15 मिनटों convincing her to give it to me!"

I came into the room and कहा "I want a drink please." He कहा "okay; I'll get आप one." He went over to the refrigerator and took a रस box out of it. He gave it to me and I threw it on the ground. He कहा "you're not getting what I know आप want! It's that या nothing; understood?" I got mad and stormed off into the other room and he कहा "that's not going to get आप anywhere and आप know that." Debbie looked at him and asked "is she always this stubborn?" He कहा "this is nothing compared to most of her temper tantrums that she throws!" She कहा "I really don't know how आप deal with that every single day. I wouldn't have the patience for it!" He कहा "its way worse when she knows that I want her to do something and she just 100% refuses to do it! That's the oppositional defiance disorder at its worst!


The video ended and dad कहा "that video brings back so many memories!" I rolled my eyes and कहा "oh gosh; please don't say anything embarrassing! Every time आप say that आप tell some embarrassing story to me about when I was little!" He कहा "right after Debbie was done filming that video…" I कहा "dad; if you're going to embarrass me please stop now!" He कहा "as I was saying; after she was done filming that video…” I कहा "seriously dad; why do आप have to be so embarrassing all the time!" He कहा "I'm not trying to embarrass आप but; I'm just having a hard time accepting that you're growing up." I कहा "yeah well; आप need to accept it because there's nothing आप can do about it! I'm not that two-year-old anymore!" He कहा "I think the only thing that needs to be accepted in the fact that you're scared and आप don't want to admit it." I कहा "I don't know what you're talking about; I'm not scared at all!" He कहा "you're scared that at the end of this trial there is a chance that I might not come home. I know you're scared! You're not the only one; Grace is scared and so am I.” I कहा "okay dad; can आप seriously leave my room now?" He कहा "fine but; आप can't hide it forever! The longer आप keep your feelings inside, the worse it will be in the long run."

February 10, 2005,

I can already tell that this trial is not going to be good on dad's health. He physically drained and all he does is sleep when he gets home. I can honestly say that I've never seen him like this in my entire life. I'm worried that if his trial lasts as long as he thinks it's going to; he is not going to be in the best shape द्वारा then.

It was 4 o'clock in the afternoon and dad walked through the door dressed in a suit and tie. He sat down on the सोफ़ा, सोफे and he just looked so sad. I walked up to him and asked "are आप okay dad?" He didn't answer me as tears filled his eyes. I hugged him and कहा "it'll be fine! आप have to try and stay optimistic about things because that's all आप really can do." He कहा "I know; I just didn't want it to come to all this!" I कहा "I know that this is hard for आप and I'm going to do my best to be well-behaved while आप are going to all of this! I can't make any promises though because आप know how I am!" That made him laugh and he कहा "yeah; I have a feeling that won't last very long!"

Grace came into the room and hugged dad. Dad कहा "AJ; I promise that I will be the best father that I can possibly be; even with all this going on! Don't worry… I'm not checking out as your father. There is one thing that I would like of आप guys though. Grace asked "what's that Michael?" He कहा "the सेकंड I walked through that door every day, we make a habit of not talking about the trial. It's easier on me that way! I कहा "that's fine with me! I don't like talking about it either, it's depressing." He कहा "the only time the three of us will talk about the trial beyond this point is if there is a bad outcome… I doubt and hope that there won't be a bad outcome."

February 16, 2005

Today is the start of the weekend so; dad doesn't have court for a few days. I went upstairs to get something out of my room and when I looked at my Jesse McCartney poster on my दीवार there was a mustache drawn on it. I ran downstairs and कहा "you're done for Prince!" Dad कहा "wait! What are आप talking about?" Prince smiled and ran up to his room. I कहा "Prince drew all over my Jesse McCartney poster with a sharpie marker! He's really going to regret doing that in a few minutes!" Dad कहा "hey, just calm down; besides I'm not going to let आप beat him up on my watch! That's not going to get आप anywhere and आप know that." I कहा "oh I see how it is! You're just going to let him get away with drawing on my poster!" He कहा "no; I didn't say that at all! I'll make him buy आप a new one with money from his own piggy bank." I कहा "he deserves worse than that though!" Dad कहा "stop saying stuff like that! He's your brother and आप need to be nice to him!"

I ran up to my room and dad followed me. I went to slam the door and he stopped it with his foot. I ripped the poster off my दीवार and sat down on the edge of my bed. He sat down अगला to me and कहा "I'm not leaving here until आप calm down. Ever since the trial started; आप have been having outbursts. I know exactly what's wrong and आप do too but; you're in denial about it!" I कहा "I'm not in denial about anything!" He कहा "yes आप are! You're कड़वा and angry because you're scared! आप need to talk about it because the longer आप keep your feelings inside the worse it will be when आप finally let them out." I कहा "I'm not scared of anything! Will आप please leave me alone now! He कहा "this isn't about the poster at all; आप just want to make it seem like it is!"

After about 20 मिनटों of waiting for me to talk to him, dad कहा as he threw his hands up in the air feeling defeated "fine if आप don't want to talk to me; then don't! I'm here if आप need me but; I'm done trying for now." He left my room and I stood in the doorway listening to a conversation between him and Grace from downstairs. Dad कहा "I don't know what else to do! I know all Alanna needs to do is cry! I don't know if she's specifically mad at me या mad at this whole situation in the first place. She won't talk to me about anything. I can tell द्वारा the look in her eyes that she is absolutely terrified of what's going to happen to me at the end of this trial." Grace asked "have आप thought about where the children would end up if आप went to prison?" He कहा "well; Blanket, Paris, and Prince would live with my mother. I haven't talked to her about the situation with AJ because honestly I don't think she can handle Alanna's ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder!" Grace कहा "if I can't handle her there's no way your elderly mother is going to be able to! I mean आप yourself can barely deal with her!" He कहा "look at how red she turned and that was just because Prince colored on her poster! I'm worried that as AJ gets older it's going to get physical one of these times! He कहा "you know that I would never hurt her. I don't care if she hurts me but; when she's that angry it's hard to calm her down before the situation escalates!" Grace कहा "I just hope that it never reaches that point!"

March 1, 2005,

I was in the रसोई, रसोईघर of our rental घर in Los Angeles and dad had just put my brothers and sister to bed. I कहा as I put dishes in the sink "I wish that the Jesse McCartney tickets were not sold out when आप looked at them when आप got घर today! Are आप sure all of the tickets are sold out?" He कहा "I promise you; ALL the tickets for the Beautiful Soul tour are gone! You're just going to have to wait until he goes on tour when the अगला CD comes out. I'm sorry; I really did try to get them for you. Since I had to go to court today, I had Grace go online the सेकंड the tickets went on sale but; द्वारा the time she filled out the shipping address for the tickets they were all sold out." I कहा "well; at least आप tried! I hope it doesn't take Jesse too long to come out with a new album."

Dad got up from his chair and walked over to hug me. I कहा "I'm going to go listen to my Jesse McCartney CD before I lie down and watch TV until I fall asleep." He कहा as I walked up the stairs "I'm sorry AJ… I know how bad आप wanted those tickets!" I कहा as I shut my bedroom door "it's fine dad; I'm not mad at you. The अगला tour will definitely be worth the wait!" When dad had told me that he wasn’t able to get any tickets I was crushed inside! I knew it wasn't his fault and that I couldn't act upset because I didn't want to make him feel bad. I guess I'll just have to settle for listening to the CD and staring at my poster for a while.

March 9, 2005,

Dad walked through the door, after another दिन in court and ended up right in the center of an argument between Grace and me. I shouted "I didn't do it so; I shouldn't be on punishment for it!" Grace कहा "yes आप did do it; I saw you." Dad asked confused "what's going on?" Grace कहा "she was hiding video games in her room so Prince couldn't play them. When I caught her taking them out of her dresser, she कहा that the games weren't even in the cases and when I looked in them every single game was in its case. Not only did she hide the games from Prince; but she also lied right to my face!" Dad looked at me and कहा "you know that one of the things that I just can't tolerate in this house is lying! Go up to your room. No Xbox for a week starting today."

I ran up the stairs and slammed my door. I opened the door back up and yelled down the stairs "you guys are ridiculous! All I did was lie and I can't use the Xbox for a whole week!” Dad walked up to my room and shut the door. He asked with a serious look on his face "do आप want to make it two weeks with no Xbox?" I कहा "I don't really care at this point!" He कहा "alright; then I'll change it to a महीना if आप don't care." I कहा while in shock "I didn't agree to a whole month; I agreed to two weeks without it!" He कहा "that's not how it works! आप don't get to pick and choose your punishment. आप better stop talking back to me because I'll punish आप from using the computer and watching TV!"

I didn't say a word as he left the room and he कहा "lose the attitude; neither Grace nor I deserve to hear that!" He shut the door and I turned my TV on. I whispered to myself "they both overreact way too much!" Even though deep down I knew I deserved to be in trouble!" Nine times out of ten I deserve it; whether या not I want to believe it!

March 15, 2005,

Today is my 11th birthday and dad is still at the courthouse but; कहा he would be घर in about 20 minutes. I was downstairs doing my schoolwork and was about to walk down the hallway when Grace कहा "no; आप can go down there until your dad gets home." I looked at her confused and went back to the रसोई, रसोईघर to sit at the table.

Dad opened the door and up ran to me. He gave me a hug and कहा "happy birthday!" I कहा "thank you" and I put my पुस्तकें away on the bookshelf. He कहा "come on; let's all watch a movie together in the living room!" The two of us walked into the living room and he shielded my eyes. I asked "why are आप covering my eyes?" He moved his hands out of the way and I couldn't believe my eyes. Standing in front of me was a life-size cardboard cutout of Jesse McCartney. I shrieked and कहा "oh my gosh; for a सेकंड I thought that was really him; not a cardboard cutout!" Everyone started laughing and dad कहा "sit down; I have something else for you!" I sat down on the couch; leaving a अंतरिक्ष अगला to me for dad to sit down. He passed me a big box and कहा "go ahead and open it!" Whatever was in the box weighed a lot! There must have been a whole roll of tape used on that box. I asked while they all laughed at me struggling to open the box "did आप really have to use this much tape on it dad!"

I finally got the box open and the first thing I saw was two rolled up pieces of paper. I took them out and unraveled them. One of them was a new copy of the poster that Prince had drawn on and the other one was a different one of Jesse McCartney that was exactly the same size as the blue one. I कहा "thank you" and dad कहा "keep going; there's a whole bunch of stuff in there for you!" The अगला thing I took out was 11 teen magazines like Tiger Beat and Bop. Dad कहा "one magazine for each साल you've been alive! I've been collecting them for about five months now.” One of the bodyguards named Will कहा "I've been the one to go buy those magazines and I can't even begin to tell आप about some of those awkward looks I get being a grown man buying boy band magazines. It actually makes the cashiers laugh!" We all laughed and I started pulling out something else from the box. I grabbed two Jesse McCartney T-shirts and कहा "I'm going to wear these all the time!" One of the shirts कहा "Jesse McCartney: beautiful soul tour 2005." Dad कहा "since I couldn't get आप the tickets; I figured I should buy आप the tour T-shirt to try and make up for it!" I कहा "at least I can pretend that I got to go to the संगीत कार्यक्रम when I wear this."

I hugged everyone and thanked them for the gifts. Dad कहा "I was so bummed when I couldn't buy आप the regular tickets to the संगीत कार्यक्रम because they sold-out so fast!" I कहा "that's all right; I know आप tried." Dad कहा "I wasn't able to get आप the tickets आप wanted but; I hope what's inside this envelope will at least make waiting for the अगला tour a little easier." I looked at him confused as he passed me the envelope. I looked inside and there was a folded piece of paper. I took it out and opened it up and dad कहा "read the part that I highlighted." I read it out loud "Jesse McCartney VIP experience package." I didn't understand what it was and कहा "oh that's cool; आप got me another package of Jesse McCartney stuff that's coming in mail." Dad laughed and asked "you don't know what that is?" I कहा "yeah; it says right here that it's another Jesse McCartney package." He laughed even harder as he looked at Grace and कहा "she really doesn't know what it is!" I कहा "alright; what's going on? What's so funny? What is this piece of paper?" Grace कहा while gasping for air because she was laughing so hard "its tickets to a Jesse McCartney concert!" My mouth dropped and dad कहा "the seats are in the front row!" I was speechless and then he कहा "there's one और tiny detail that I forgot to mention." I asked "what else could there possibly be?" Blanket, Prince, Paris, and Grace covered their ears. Dad कहा "guess what!" I कहा "what?" He कहा "you're going to meet Jesse McCartney at the concert!!!"

I think the entire family was expecting me to let out an ear piercing scream but; what I did अगला shocked everyone including me. I started crying uncontrollably and shaking. Once dad realized that I was crying; not screaming, he asked "what's wrong? Why are आप crying?" I कहा "I'm so happy! I never thought I'd actually get to meet Jesse!" He smiled and hugged me. He looked like he was about to cry because he had never seen me so happy in my life!" Grace removed her hands from her ears and कहा "I didn't see that reaction coming at all! आप made your tough tomboy cry tears of joy Michael!" Dad कहा "I'm glad आप like the tickets that much! Are they better in the regular tickets that आप originally wanted?" I कहा in between sobs "so much better! Thank आप so much dad!" He कहा as his voice broke from trying to hold back tears "you're welcome! You've got to stop crying though because you're going to make me cry! I knew आप wanted the normal tickets badly but; never in 1 million years would I have thought that आप would cry because आप are so happy!"

After I composed myself; I asked "who's going to take me to the concert?" Grace कहा "I will be if your dad has court that दिन but; if he doesn't he is going to take you." Dad कहा "now that you've stopped crying I have to tell आप this. आप better be on your best behavior between now and the दिन of the संगीत कार्यक्रम because if आप really do something that I don't like… I'm going to sell those tickets faster than आप can say Jesse McCartney! Do आप understand that I'm not messing around when I say that? I'm hundred percent serious too! I guarantee आप that there is another girl out there that would प्यार to meet Jesse also!" I कहा "I promise you; I'll be a whole different kid until after the concert! I don't want to lose the tickets! आप saw how much they mean to me!" He hugged me and I कहा "I'm going to go upstairs and put my two big posters on the walls in my room! Then I'm going to take all the posters out of the magazines आप got me and put those ones up also!" As I headed for the stairs; dad कहा "don't forget to bring your Jesse cardboard cutout and other stuff upstairs with you." I walked over and grabbed the cutout. I कहा "you're going to have to help me carry the T-shirts and magazines to my room because my hands are kind of full!" Dad tossed the two T-shirts, two big posters, and 11 magazines on my बिस्तर with a brand-new roll of tape and a pair of scissors. He shut the door behind him as he left and I pressed play on my "Jesse McCartney: beautiful soul" CD that was in my CD player. The first track "beautiful soul" started and I moved my cardboard cutout to a corner of my bedroom. Out of all the posters I got there was a total of 23 Jesse McCartney posters that I now have up on the walls of my bedroom! I think it's so funny when dad walks द्वारा my room and he gets startled द्वारा my cardboard cutout of Jesse because it really looks like he's standing in my room! This is द्वारा far the best birthday I've never had… It's going to be hard for dad to चोटी, शीर्ष this one!

May 14, 2005,

I was chasing Prince around the house and dad walked through the door. Dad कहा "AJ; I need आप to empty the dishwasher please." I कहा "I don't want to." He कहा "I wasn't asking you; I'm telling आप to please empty the dishwasher for me." I grabbed the Xbox controller from Prince and dad कहा "I know आप heard me AJ." I jumped over the back of the सोफ़ा, सोफे and switched the batteries out of the controller. Dad looked at me and कहा "remember what I कहा about the Jesse McCartney tickets! आप better do what I told आप to do या I'm going to take them away from you!" I got a worried look on my face as I ran over to the dishwasher and started taking dishes out of it. He कहा "that's what I thought!!"

After I was done unloading the dishwasher, dad कहा "thank you; आप need to go outside and take your bicycle and हटाइए it out of the way because it's laying in the driveway and I don't want to have to buy आप a new one. Someone could easily run it over!" I was about to say something when he raised his eyebrows and कहा "don't forget about the Jesse McCartney concert." I immediately ran outside and moved my bicycle out of the way. I came back inside and Grace कहा "I think that's the first time that AJ has done something without putting up a fight!"

I went upstairs to my room and about 20 मिनटों later dad came in. He कहा as he sat down on the edge of my बिस्तर "I just wanted to let आप know that on June 15, the jury in my court case will decide whether they think I'm innocent या guilty." I कहा "I hope they come to their senses; it's obvious that Gavin is lying and I will be really mad if आप get sent to jail because of him!" He कहा "I know; आप just have to think as positively as possible and hope for the best." I कहा "alright; I प्यार आप dad, I'm going to go to बिस्तर now." He कहा "I प्यार आप और and I'll see आप tomorrow afternoon when I get home." He kissed my forehead and shut off the light as he passed me the remote to my TV.

June 15, 2005,

Today's the दिन that we find out if dad is going to prison या not. Grace put a डिज़्नी movie on in Blanket's bedroom to occupy my siblings. Grace and I went into the living room and put it on the channel that will be announcing the verdict on dad's case. It seemed like it took forever to get to the point where the jury had come to their decision. Finally; a woman walked outside the courthouse and कहा "we the jury in the above entitled case find the defendant, Michael Joseph Jackson…" I whispered to myself "come on; lady hurry up!" The woman कहा "not guilty on all accounts!" Grace hugged me and I कहा "he's coming home!"

10 मिनटों later, I heard the front door open and dad walked through it. I turned around, jumped over the back of the couch, and literally jumped into his arms. The both of us just started crying and he didn't even care that he was carrying me. I must've been heavy for him but; he didn't even notice. I कहा "don't ever scare me like that again!" All the emotions that I had been holding back for the entire trial just poured out right then and there! He wiped the tears off of my face and put me down on the counter top. He कहा "trust me; I'm not going to let anything like that happen again!" Blanket, Prince, and Paris came out into the living room to see what was going on. Dad hugged all three of them and blanket asked "why were आप guys crying?" Dad कहा "never mind that; let's go watch a movie!"

While I was getting ready for bed; dad walked into my room and कहा "you must be excited for this weekend!" I looked at him confused and asked "why? What's this weekend?" He कहा "you forgot… It's the Jesse McCartney concert!" I कहा "oh yeah; so आप have your disguise that you're going to wear when आप take me to the concert?" He कहा "I'm just going to wear a really dark स्वेट-शर्ट, स्वेटरशर्ट, sweatshirt and big sunglasses with a pair of faded jeans… No one will suspect that I would wear something like that!"

June 17, 2005,

I rushed to put on one of my Jesse McCartney shirts and dad and I ran out to the car. I had spiked my short blonde hair were some gel and dad sat in the drivers सीट of the Rolls-Royce. This was one of the few times that my dad had driven us himself, instead of bringing a bodyguard along to the संगीत कार्यक्रम because he didn't want to blow his disguise. I could barely contain my excitement as we pulled up to the संगीत कार्यक्रम arena. Dad passed me a VIP lanyard and I put it around my neck. He put his on and we got out of the car.
"
We gave one of the staff members our tickets and he कहा "all VIP concertgoers need to line up over there. There is a guide that will take आप where आप need to be." We walked over and I was surprised that there was only a small group of प्रशंसकों that would also be meeting Jesse. Then the guy brought us to a big room and we waited for Jesse to दिखाना up.

Jesse walked into the room about 40 feet away from the crowd of fans. I placed myself at the end of the line. When he finally got to me he whispered "hi Michael; it's nice to see आप again!" Jesse looked down at me and कहा "you must be AJ!" I stuttered and कहा "hi Jesse, I प्यार you!" Jessie कहा "your dad told me that आप have a bunch posters of me in your room!" I कहा "yeah; every time I see a magazine with आप on the cover I buy it! I प्यार watching आप on "summerland" that's my प्रिय show." He passed me a poster he signed and कहा "that's for you!" I कहा "thanks; I प्यार it!" He कहा "of course; anything for my number one fan. The security guards are telling me that I have to go get ready for the दिखाना now; I hope आप enjoy it!" Dad कहा "wait one second; I've got to take a picture of the two together before आप leave!" Jessie कहा "you can hug me if आप want to!" I hugged him and कहा goodbye after dad the picture.

Dad and I made it to our front row seats just as they started rolling the introduction video. The Jumbotron read "get ready… 10, 9, scream, 8, 7, I can't hear you, 6, 5, it's time for, 4, 3, 2, 1… Jesse McCartney!" Jesse came on the stage and sang each song from his album. Then Jesse brought a girl that was in a wheelchair on stage and sang "take your sweet time" to her. That was dad's प्रिय part of the concert, just knowing that there is still a lot of मशहूर हस्तियों out there that care about helping those in need as much is he does. My प्रिय part of the संगीत कार्यक्रम was definitely getting to meet Jesse. This is the best दिन of my life so far. I will never forget this day! Thank आप so much dad only