How could I हटाइए on from you? How could I ever forget what आप felt like and how आप tasted? How could I forget the touch that sent waves of passion through my being? All those nights that I sank so deep inside आप and felt the explosions from your body were etched inside my brain and my heart.
I tried to avoid these feelings, to numb them, to fill every moment with something, hoping and waiting for the दिन that I would open my eyes from a night of self medicating, and the pain would be gone. That morning had not come. I had tried to resolve things with “you” to go back to the start. I wanted desperately to let आप go and to हटाइए आगे but when that moment came and I felt आप slipping away it overwhelmed me and the desperation overtook me. If I let go I will never feel this again. आप make me alive.
For years I had wanted you. I had waited because I didn’t think it would work. What did I do that had been so bad that आप were leaving me? Wilson, years prior, had told me I was afraid to change. “I didn’t like myself but I did admire myself.” I had taken the words to heart. I had a gift but if it meant choosing between that gift and Cuddy my choice was Cuddy.
I still remember आप kneeling at my side and coming to my rescue. I remember how your lips tasted and your body felt. I remember with each परिधान I removed how it revealed just one और part of आप that I wanted to claim as my own. I remember every night that I held you. Every night I made प्यार to you. How आप felt and how I felt inside you. आप belong to me. आप were made for me.
आप wanted me to talk but it was so we could हटाइए on. I avoided आप for that very reason. आप कहा आप wanted to know how I felt. Everyone had कहा that but they never meant it. They really just wanted me to accept the truth, come to terms with reality and deal with it. They wanted to silence me but never really deal with my feelings. What आप wanted was to leave me behind.
When I told आप I felt hurt I was so close to telling आप that I didn’t know how to हटाइए on. I don’t know how to let आप go. Please tell me what I did. But I told आप that it wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t stop the pain.
I saw आप through the window with your hand on his arm and smiling. That was supposed to be us and it was supposed to be me that आप were smiling at and that your hand was resting on. Why couldn’t आप प्यार me? Those words coursed through my mind replaying itself like a bad record.
I stood there with the brush in my hand and the दिल that had been breaking inside me was finally crushed into a million pieces. As I walked back I realized I had held आप for the last time. Everyone that I had ever loved had left. But I was able to हटाइए on. It was true I needed आप but I was really learning how to love. I had fallen in प्यार with you. I tried to tell Wilson and आप but आप both wanted me to pick up the pieces and go on. I didn’t know how.
I came to your house to make peace and to see if we could leave the door open and try to work things out. I wanted to listen to आप and see what आप needed and what आप wanted from a man. I wanted to be that man for you. When I saw आप had moved on I couldn’t imagine him touching आप and holding you. I ……………………
As I returned to the car I saw Wilson. He had tried to help me work out my problems and to deal with my anger. I was about to do that. I was about to solve all my problems and put an end to all questions. If I couldn’t get जवाब I would make up my own. I bowed my head just a bit and urged Wilson to get out of the car. Even to the last moment he was trying to get me to talk. I pulled the door shut and pushed the pedal to the floor. I don’t know why I couldn’t just drive away and give it time.
I miss आप Cuddy and I प्यार you. I can’t walk away so I will do something that is so totally unforgivable that going back will never be an option. If आप hate me then maybe I can learn to hate you. I rather आप hate me than pity me. I do not want your pity. I sit there staring at your house for a moment and then when I knew आप had enough time to be in the other room I crushed the gas pedal and I saw Wilson fall, “I hope he got out of the way” and I smashed through your dining room.
I looked into your eyes and all I saw was fear. I would never hurt आप या maybe that is all I ever knew how to do. आप were shaking and I still wanted to hold आप but I knew आप would never let me near आप again.
