1. If a boy is aloof, stand-offish, ignores आप या is just plain rude, it is because he is secretly in प्यार with आप — and आप are the point of his existence.
2. Secrets are good — especially life-threatening ones.
3. It’s OK for a potential romantic interest to be dimwitted, violent and vengeful — as long as he has great abs.
4. If a boy tells आप to stay away from him because he is dangerous and may even kill you, he must be the प्यार of your life. आप should stay with him since he will keep आप सुरक्षित forever.
5. If a boy leaves you, especially suddenly (while telling आप he will never see आप again), it is because he loves आप so much he will suffer just to keep आप safe.
6. When a boy leaves you, going into shock, losing all your फ्रेंड्स and enduring night terrors are completely acceptable occurrences — as long as आप keep your grades up.
7. It is extremely romantic to put yourself in dangerous situations in order to see your ex-boyfriend again. It’s even और romantic to remember the sound of his voice when he yelled at you.
8. Boys who leave आप always come back.
9. Because they come back, आप should hold out, waiting for them for months, even when completely acceptable and less-abusive alternative males present themselves.
10. Even though आप have no intention of dating an alternative male who expresses interest in you, it is fine to string the young man along for months. Also, आप should use him to fix things for you. Maybe he’ll even buy आप something.
11. आप should use कहा male to fix things because girls are incapable of anything mechanical या technical.
12. Lying to your parents is fine. Lying to your parents while आप run away to save your suicidal boyfriend is an extremely good idea that shows your strength and maturity. Also, it is what आप must do.
13. Car theft in the service of प्यार is acceptable.
14. If the boy आप are in प्यार with causes आप (even indirectly) to be so badly beaten आप end up in the hospital, आप should tell the doctors and your family that आप “fell down the steps” because आप are such a silly, clumsy girl. That false explanation always works well for abused women.
15. Men can be changed for the better if आप sacrifice everything आप are and devote yourself to their need for change.
16. Young women should make no effort to improve their social skills या emotional state. Instead, they should seek out potential mates that share their morose deficiencies and emotional illnesses.
17. Girls shouldn’t always read a book series just because everyone else has.
18. When लेखन a book series, it’s acceptable to lift seminal स्रोत material and bastardize it with tired, overwrought teenage angst.
19. When making या watching a major feature film, आप should gleefully embrace the 20 मिनटों of plot it provides in between extended segments of vacant-eyed silence and self-indulgent, moaning banter.
20. वैंपायर — once among the great villains of literature and motion pictures — are no longer scary. In fact, they’re every bit as whiny, self-absorbed and impotent as any human being.