I found this hilarious सूची on bellaandedward.com. Enjoy :)

Things Bella Would Never Say
1) Edward, drive faster! (Sent in by: Michelle)
2) Edward, I hate आप and I don't प्यार आप any more. (Sent in by: McKenna)
3) I hate Edward (Sent in by: Emma)
4) Charlie, could आप cook dinner? (Sent in by: Jade)
5) Lets go live in Florida! (Sent in by: Brenna)
6) I'm in प्यार with Sam Uley. (Sent in by: Brenna)
7) आप know what, I think this is only a crush, Edward! (Sent in by: Brooke)
8) Give me a makeover Alice! (Sent in by: Riza)
9) Mike is the hottest guy on earth! (Sent in by: Lilyn)
10) Edward -- I'm sorry, but I don't प्यार आप anymore. I've realized that my true प्यार is Mike Newton. (Sent in by: Andy)
11) हे Edward, can आप go bite Jacob? (Sent in by: Alex)
12) I've decided I don't want to become a vampire anymore. (Sent in by: Stephanie)
13) Good god Edward, आप and I are both so perfectly tanned! (Sent in by: Mia)
14) Well, since I obviously smell so good to the vamps, maybe Jasper and I can hook up. अगला on my list: Carlisle and Emmett! (Sent in by: Courtney)
15) I think I'll just stay human. (Sent in by: Chris)
16) I don't want to be a vampire anymore. I enjoy being a human too much. (Sent in by: Megan)
17) Edward, I absoltuly hate the color of your eyes.
18) किस me, Mike! (Sent in by: Brianna)
19) Oh my god Edward! You're a vampire?! (Sent in by: Maddy)
20) Sorry Edward, I just used आप to get to know Emmett. (Sent in by: Lilyn)
21) OH MY GOD. A vampire? And a WEREWOLF?! *runs away screaming frantically* (Sent in by: Phoebe)
22) Let's race! (Sent in by: Gabby)
23) I'm sorry Edward but I am just too coordinated to hang with आप (Sent in by: Alexis)
24) Edward, I would just प्यार it if आप had red eyes! (Sent in by: Laura)
25) No Edward! Don't bite me! (Sent in by: Laura)
26) Alice, I hate आप and आप can't be my maid of honour! (Sent in by: Laura)
27) I wish Tyler had taken me to the prom (Sent in by: Laura)
Edward. I'm sorry, I just can't be with आप anymore. I'm going back to Jacob, he still has a heartbeat. (Sent in by: Whitney)
28) Edward, will आप bite me? I want to know what my blood tastes Edward, I don't want to be a vampire. And I'm going to go ask Aro to kill me. Adios, amigo! (Sent in by: Sara)
29) I wish आप wouldn't breathe on me Edward - your breath stinks! (Sent in by: Sarah)
30) I'm going to the समुद्र तट to get a tan! (Sent in by: Ella)
31) I rock at ALL sports! (Sent in by: Katie)
32) Mmm, delicious spaghetti, Dad! (Sent in by: Brenna)
33) Edward, let's go party! (Sent in by: Alysha)
34) I want a BIG wedding! (Sent in by: Mackenzie and Jennifer)
35) आप know, why did आप have to kill James? I really loved him आप know! (Sent in by: Bubbles and Pussycat)
36) Can we pleeeeeeeeease go play sports? (Sent in by: India)
I'm sorry Edward, but I'm seriously considering going and marrying Jacob tommorow. Hope आप don't mind. (Sent in by: Morgan)
37) Mike Newton is a stud muffin! (Sent in by: Jennifer)
38) आप feeling alright Edward? Cause you're looking kinda pale... (Sent in by: Laura)
39) Alice, lets have a sleepover. We can paint our nails, and do our hair, and even spend money! (Sent in by: Samm44)
40) Edward, I just dated आप to get the coupe. Sorry. (Sent in by: Sam)
41) Edward, आप are the cheese to my macaroni. (Sent in by: Allie)
42) Alice, आप throw the best parties!! I प्यार them!! (Sent in by: Lauren)
43) Y'know, when I jumped off that cliff? I really was trying to commit suicide. (Sent in by: Doriz)
44) हे Edward, how about आप go with Esme and I hook up with Carlisle. (Sent in by: Samara)
45) Edward, I used आप to get Jacob. (Sent in by: Alysha)
46) Let's go to the PROM, Edward!! (Sent in by: Charlotte)
47) Eddy, I'm thinking of dying my hair blonde and going the cheerleaders, whatca think? (Sent in by: Amy)
48) I was thinking we could honeymoon on the समुद्र तट in Hawaii! (Sent in by: Kelsey)
49) आप know Edward, I think when I'm a vampire we should get a dog! (Sent in by: Shelby)
50) Edward, I think it's really creepy how आप watch me when I sleep. Please stop. (Sent in by: Alice)