Rule One:
If आप pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
आप do not touch my daughter in front of me. आप may glance at her, so long as आप do not peer at anything below her neck. If आप cannot keep your eyes या hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but आप and all of your फ्रेंड्स are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: आप may come to the door with your underwear दिखा रहा है and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your तारीख, दिनांक with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from आप is an indication of when आप expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from आप on this subject is “early”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt आप are a लोकप्रिय fellow, with many opportunities to तारीख, दिनांक other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once आप have gone out with my little girl, आप will continue to तारीख, दिनांक no one but her until she is finished with you. If आप make her cry, I will make आप cry.
Rule Seven:
As आप stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and और than an घंटा goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If आप want to be on time for the movie, आप should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t आप do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a तारीख, दिनांक with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, या anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, या nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, या happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, या anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a बत्तख, हंस down parka zipped up to her throat.
- फिल्में with a strong romantic या sexual theme are to be avoided; फिल्में which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask आप where आप are going and with whom, आप have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help आप God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a चावल paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent नारंगी, ऑरेंज starts अभिनय up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the बंदूकों as I wait for आप to bring my daughter home. As soon as आप pull into the driveway आप should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that आप have brought my daughter घर safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for आप to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
READ AND ANSWER:
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied द्वारा a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical रिपोर्ट from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.
NAME______________________ तारीख, दिनांक OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
घर ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do आप have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do आप own या have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do आप have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek या a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF आप ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words या less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words या less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words या less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church आप attend
___________________________________________________
How often आप attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer द्वारा filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all जवाब are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________
C: A woman’s place is in the:
____________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________
E. What do आप want to do IF आप grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON किस TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Mother’s Signature          Father’s Signature
____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi          State Representative/Congressman
Thank आप for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
आप will be contacted in लेखन if आप are approved. Please do not try to call या write (since आप probably can’t, and it would cause आप injury). If your application is rejected, आप will be notified द्वारा two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
If आप pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
आप do not touch my daughter in front of me. आप may glance at her, so long as आप do not peer at anything below her neck. If आप cannot keep your eyes या hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but आप and all of your फ्रेंड्स are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: आप may come to the door with your underwear दिखा रहा है and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your तारीख, दिनांक with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from आप is an indication of when आप expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from आप on this subject is “early”
Rule Six:
I have no doubt आप are a लोकप्रिय fellow, with many opportunities to तारीख, दिनांक other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once आप have gone out with my little girl, आप will continue to तारीख, दिनांक no one but her until she is finished with you. If आप make her cry, I will make आप cry.
Rule Seven:
As आप stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and और than an घंटा goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If आप want to be on time for the movie, आप should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t आप do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a तारीख, दिनांक with my daughter:
- Places where there are beds, sofas, या anything softer than a wooden stool.
- Places where there are no parents, policemen, या nuns within eyesight.
- Places where there is darkness.
- Places where there is dancing, holding hands, या happiness.
- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, या anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a बत्तख, हंस down parka zipped up to her throat.
- फिल्में with a strong romantic या sexual theme are to be avoided; फिल्में which feature chainsaws are okay.
- Hockey games are okay.
- Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask आप where आप are going and with whom, आप have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help आप God. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a चावल paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent नारंगी, ऑरेंज starts अभिनय up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the बंदूकों as I wait for आप to bring my daughter home. As soon as आप pull into the driveway आप should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that आप have brought my daughter घर safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for आप to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
READ AND ANSWER:
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied द्वारा a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical रिपोर्ट from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.
NAME______________________ तारीख, दिनांक OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
घर ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______
Do आप have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________
If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do आप own या have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do आप have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek या a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF आप ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words या less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words या less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
In 50 words या less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church आप attend
___________________________________________________
How often आप attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________
SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer द्वारा filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all जवाब are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________
C: A woman’s place is in the:
____________________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________
E. What do आप want to do IF आप grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON किस TORTURE.
_________________________________________________________
Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
_____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Mother’s Signature          Father’s Signature
____________________ Â Â Â _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi          State Representative/Congressman
Thank आप for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.
आप will be contacted in लेखन if आप are approved. Please do not try to call या write (since आप probably can’t, and it would cause आप injury). If your application is rejected, आप will be notified द्वारा two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
