Okay first, let me tell you:
DUDEEEE!
Your life truly sucks.
And second:
Welcome!
आप are in the right place. Now sit down and grab some salt.
Here are some examples to follow from the people who know how to deal with crappy situations the best. Just choose the प्रोफ़ाइल that fits आप the best.
FIRST PROFILE:
आप are a strong person, who doesn’t really like chick flick moments या to दिखाना your emotions, but that, in reality, is as cute as a teddy भालू (that sometimes gets pissed off) can be?
Well then, lucky you! आप are just like Dean and आप have a kick-ass personality!
आप are really in प्यार with your car, and that’s kind of awesome, since driving a car is a great way of clearing your mind. So since आप aren’t the biggest planes fan, आप should drive and drive on your car. And don’t worry about the gasoline price या something like that [it’s not like there’s a oil war out there, and those things are overrated anyways], that’s why the fake credit cards exist.
आप might get a bit tired of the driving, though (yep, that happens to the best ones, no need to be ashamed). So if that happens, just rent a motel room and make sure that it comes with a vibrating massage बिस्तर (you may need a lot of coins for this one). Yes, I know how bad that sounds, but there’s no need to be shy. Also, आप will be alone in the room. Who do आप think it can be there anyways, your brother? Yea, right. Like he doesn’t have a life of his own. *insert sarcasm note here*
BUT, if your bother is in the room with आप for some creepy या सूपरनॅचुरल reason, make sure आप make as much fun as आप can of him. That will make आप happy as hell, I promise. Also, there’s nothing wrong in using his laptop and go visit some cool websites like bustyasianbeauties.com. आप would be doing him a favor, if आप ask me. He needs to learn something about real life (so yea, make sure to update his internet favorites). आप can also get a myspace, I heard that women dig that (Note to yourself: learn what the hell a myspace is).
आप don’t wanna be closed in a strange and cheap motel room forever, so get out and have some fun. Meet new people. And द्वारा people I mean women and द्वारा meeting I mean getting laid; but it’s all the same right? Just be reaaaally careful with the type of women आप meet; some of them can be very sneaky and steal a hand of your pocket without आप even noticing, literally (again, don’t feel bad if that happens, at least she was willing to have animal sex with you).
Just drink some purple nipple shots and you’ll be fine.
Of course all this epic journey should be taken with some old school rock cassettes and pie (LOTS of pie). I heard that mumbling मेटालिका it’s a really good way of calming down. And pie it’s just good for your health.
Most of all, don’t forget to have FUN! Go visit some cool places like Hollywood. Who knows, आप can even bang Paris Hilton (or make sure आप kill her, so she can’t ruin some बिना सोचे समझे epic tv दिखाना – that would be kind of awesome).
Just make sure आप be careful, आप don’t wanna die in a hospital where the nurses aren't even hot. So stay away from crossroads, okay?
Final advice: Helping फ्रेंड्स is awesome, and आप are an amazing friend. Just make sure आप don’t help them too much, या आप might end up in jail.
And remember, आप are awesome. And adorable.
SECOND PROFILE:
आप are smart, open-minded, generous and आप don’t like when people mess with your stuff? Nobody ever gets your intelligence? Aww well, aren’t आप a cutie pie! आप are just like Sam.
People don’t exactly understand/appreciate your smartness (yea, being smart hurts sometimes), so maybe that means it’s time to spread your horizons and meet new people. Just be cautious about who आप meet, आप don’t wanna ending up sleeping with someone *really* hairy who can bite (trust me when I tell आप that those aren’t the type of bites you’re looking for) या someone who keeps offering आप some weird red bloody thing to drink.
If आप can’t find someone under those conditions, no worries. Usually even the cheapest motels have porn channels, so It’s all good.
आप should go out और often, but आप also need to collaborate. If आप go to a हैलोवीन party, make sure आप go dressed up in some costume [SUIT UP!]. आप can’t go dressed up as yourself – UNLESS आप are really hot; in that case आप should UNdressed up and use just a towel around your waist (but I highly doubt that’s your case).
And to be the spirit [lol, excuse my choice of words] of the party आप just need to charm people with some of your talents, like fairy tales and a couple of magic tricks. That will totally blow them away; I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them become speechless after that.
आप can also invite people for some Pictionary game, because your draws are always so awesome!
If after all of that, आप still don’t have some friends; damn those people seriously have issues. And who better to acknowledge their pain than you?
....
Yea, I thought so.
This means it’s time to start giving hugs. दिखाना those people that आप are there for them, in the end they are just ब्रेव little soldiers, too precious for this world.
....
Didn’t work?
Oh well, I’m not a freaking Angel, so don’t expect miracles.
And who needs फ्रेंड्स anyways? Don’t आप have a brother या something? That will do.
Also, here’s some good news: आप don’t need anybody to get drunk.
Just make sure आप don’t drink too much, otherwise, आप will end up the night hugged to a toilet.
Final advice: Be careful while आप sleep. Not everybody is nice like you, so be alert या आप might wake up with some spoon in your mouth. Also, watch where आप walk on, आप don’t want to lose a shoe या something.
Make sure आप take this serious! It’s a very serious matter, we don’t have time for blah blah blah blah, blah blah, blah blah, BLAH!
