Chapter one
As I stared out across the lake I thought about everything I had been through in the last year. This had been a bad year. It started with my sister being killed in a car accident. I couldn’t even think about that incident without tears welling up in my eyes. Kelsey, I thought, if आप can hear me I’m so sorry. I hope that the pain has ended. I प्यार you. I had been in that accident with her but I had survived and I regretted it every दिन of my life. Why did I have to survive? I couldn’t help but think and be drawn back into that day.
It had started out just like any other day. I got up, got dressed, and got in the car to go to school. My sister, Kelsey, had been driving me around for the last six months. My sister was a very good driver and as we got onto the ramp for Interstate thirty-five Kelsey didn’t see the eighteen-wheeler driving too fast. She merged in just right but quickly regretted that decision when she saw the eighteen-wheeler. Kelsey saw it but barely had time to say anything before it collided with the back end of the car. I smashed my head into the window अगला to me and passed out. When I woke up I was sitting in the car and there was so much blood everywhere. I began to freak out. I looked over at my sister who had a huge gash in her head and was losing blood fast. Without thinking I climbed over to my sister ignoring the pain in my right leg, and pulled her out of her सीट and placed her in the passenger side. At the time I had no idea why I did it but my subconscious knew.
I placed my hand over my sister’s head for pressure and began searching her neck for a pulse and got frustrated when I couldn’t find one. I began freaking out, come on Kelsey, please don’t die on me. आप can’t leave me here. Please come back. I began sobbing uncontrollably, and when the रोगी वाहन, एम्बुलेंस finally arrived I knew, I knew my sister was gone. As they pulled me out of the wreckage I blacked out and prayed for death to take me. I didn’t want to be in a world without my sister.
I could faintly hear the beeping of machines and smell the odor of sanitation it was then that I knew I was in the hospital and not with my sister. There could be no other reason for the noise and smell. I slowly opened my eyes to the white walls of my hospital room. Damn it was all I could think. I could remember every detail and I didn’t want to remember them. God why do आप hate me?
“Carrie,” someone said. I slowly turned to see her mother’s tear streaked face. “Oh my God, I thought I was going to lose आप too. Carrie what do आप remember?” Everything.
“I remember everything,” I began sobbing. The pain was too much for me I was sucked back to the lake and the present.
I grabbed my chest to stop the pain and began sobbing like I had when it was confirmed that I had लॉस्ट my sister forever. I fell to my knees and into the water. My tears mixed with the lake water and disappeared, no one would know the pain that those tears held. Not even my own mother could feel the pain I felt. She felt sadness for the loss of her daughter but she wasn’t there. She didn’t watch as Kelsey’s body लॉस्ट all blood. She didn’t have to live with the nightmares. I was sucked back into another memory.
“You’ve broken every bone in your leg. Including your femur, we went in and inserted pins into your leg. It will be two months before आप even get off crutches but you’re alive and that’s all that matters. The अगला couple of weeks will be critical to your healing. Now tell me; what do आप remember?” The doctor asked.
I didn’t know why but I knew I had to take the blame. “I was driving and I went to get on the highway and I checked my mirror and saw the truck driver a good distance away. I forgot to recheck my mirrors and I merged into traffic. Then five मिनटों later I looked back up and he was right there. I went to say something to Kelsey but before I had time to say anything the truck hit us in the back. I blacked out but when I woke up I saw Kelsey sitting in the passenger सीट and she was bleeding out of her head. I tried to stop it and began looking for a pulse but I couldn’t find one. I couldn’t find one but I tried. There was so much blood; so much blood, and Kelsey wouldn’t stop bleeding. Kelsey’s face was covered in blood. And she had no pulse. And I remember screaming and crying. But I must have blacked out when they pulled me from the car.” I cried.
“Alright, alright, it’s okay Carrie. You’re safe.” The doctor tried to coo. Then everything went black and I was back on the समुद्र तट sitting in the water balling my eyes out.
I still couldn’t make sense of some things that happened that दिन when I woke up. I looked out across the water and tried to find it beautiful like I once had. I still could remember the first time I saw this place I was three and we had just bought this house. My mom had told me that the lake was a gift from God when I asked her about it. My mother was a very godly person and still was even after everything that happened. Her husband leaves her, she loses her daughter, and she basically लॉस्ट me, but yet she continues to believe in a higher power.
After Kelsey was gone I just couldn’t believe anymore. I लॉस्ट hope and honestly I was so angry. Why couldn’t God have left my family alone? Because I wasn’t denying that there was a God because there was, but I just couldn’t believe that he was all powerful and good. आप could say that me and God weren’t talking anymore. He’d abandoned me a long time ago.
I just can’t understand how God can be all powerful if he couldn’t even stop the sleepy eighteen wheeler driver from plowing into the back of us on that day. If he was as good as everyone कहा then he would have taken me with my sister. He wouldn’t have left me here to basically rot from the inside. आप can’t be good if आप see someone going through pain and आप do nothing to stop it. I just couldn’t believe that I was here. God आप should have taken me, I’m used to being the screw up. Why did आप have to take her from me, from my mom, from this world? She was destined to do something great, now I’ll never get to see her walk down the aisle या have a baby. Why did आप take her? I cried and cried until it hurt to cry and even then the tears refused to stop falling.
I hadn’t just लॉस्ट my sister, though, my family was falling apart. My father decided that after Kelsey was gone that there was no point in sticking around. I guess I just wasn’t good enough for him, but I already knew that. I knew from the beginning that my father had his प्रिय and I wasn’t it. Kelsey had always been the favorite. Kelsey could make a person smile when all आप wanted to do was cry. She had the ability to always be positive and never once did she doubt anyone या challenge them. At times it was frustrating the way she never really fought with our parents. It seemed like I was the one always getting in trouble. I was Kelsey’s complete opposite, where she was quiet and well behaved I was loud and obnoxious. I think the thing my father hated about me the most was that I spoke my mind and wasn’t afraid of what others would say once I did just that.
I would have thought that my father would have been ecstatic after the accident because I was no longer that person. I became moody, shy, and to be honest my parents barely ever saw me. It wasn’t like I was going out with फ्रेंड्स या anything I just would go down to the lake and watch the waves like I am now. I closed my eyes and sent up a silent thought to Kelsey. Do आप remember that huge fight we got into before we left for school that day? Do आप remember what that fight was about because I do? I regret that fight every day. Instead of fighting with आप I should have been telling आप how much I loved you. I’m so sorry. I was sucked back in time again.
“Kelsey let me drive.” I begged.
“No, I’m sorry, I know आप got your driver’s license but you’ve only had it for a week and it’s snowing outside. I don’t want आप driving.”
“You never let me drive. I hate you.” I stormed out of the house and went to sit in the car. Kelsey came out a moment later and didn’t say anything when she got in. We rode in silence. I kept looking over because I felt bad for what I had कहा but Kelsey looked fine. I went to say how sorry I was but before I got the chance my head hit something hard and then everything went dark.
I opened my eyes to see I was back on the समुद्र तट but there was a women coming down the समुद्र तट with her dog. As she got closer I saw her mouth moving but I just didn’t care to listen. I honestly thought she was talking to her dog. I turned my back and went to go deeper out. The women walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.
“Are आप okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine. Please leave me alone.”
“Honey I may not be your mom but what would your mama say if she saw आप out in the lake in the middle of February?”
“I don’t know why don’t आप go ask her.” I turned away from her.
“You’re going to get sick.”
“Good. Maybe then I’ll get so sick that I die.’
“Young lady I may not know आप but I know when I see someone who’s in need for some सलाह and you’re going to listen to what I have to say. आप may not like your life but that doesn’t mean आप get to just throw your life away. Your life may not mean much to आप but to someone else your life may be the most important thing they have.”
“Look you’re really nice and I’m trying not to be rude, but leave me alone.” I tried to go farther out. She grabbed me and pulled me out of the water.
“Sit.”
“No, I don’t have to listen to you.” I went to leave. She grabbed me द्वारा the arm.
“I कहा sit down.” She kind of reminded me of my mother when she used to care. I sat down. “Now listen to me. Your life means a lot. I’ve seen countless young people like आप just throw your lives away, and I will not watch as आप throw yours away. I’m going to tell आप a story; it’s a story about someone who is kind of like you. My son was a good boy but he लॉस्ट his father when he was thirteen, it killed him to watch his father walk out on us. For months I watched as my son became और and और reckless and I didn’t do a thing to stop it. I didn’t know how to help him when I couldn’t much less help myself. One दिन I came घर to find two police cars sitting in front of my house, do आप know why they were there? They were there to tell me that my son had been drinking and had caused a car accident. My sweet little boy had killed two people, and in the end he had died too.
“After the funeral I was going through his things and found this journal of his and in this journal he’d written how he wished he would die. I read the whole entire journal front to back and the whole way through I cried. He talked about how he wished I would say something to him या tell him to stop being so reckless, but I never did. He wrote about how he hated me because I didn’t even try and I was so concerned with what was going on in my world that I never even looked around to see what he was doing. So आप may think your mother doesn’t care about आप but she does. आप can’t just leave your mother staring at pages of a diary with no way to fix it. Do आप understand?”
“Yes.” I blinked tears away, her story had touched me, but I wasn’t going to change. “Your story was really sweet but I’m not your son and no offense but it’s none of your business what I do with my lif
"You’re right it isn’t my business. I just want आप to know that even though आप may think you’re alone you’re not; and if there is no one fighting for आप I want आप to know that someone tried to help. Someone saw आप heading straight on over a cliff and tried to reel आप back in. So I’m going to say one last thing and then be gone. आप have so much life ahead of आप don’t cut it short द्वारा being reckless; get your act together and even if आप can’t get up every दिन for yourself get up anyways. There has to be something that inspires you. If आप can’t live for yourself than live for someone else there has to be someone out there who आप wanted to have a better life but who never got the chance.”
I felt like this woman could see right through me into the deepest darkest parts of my soul. Kelsey, do आप want me to live for you, and have the life आप never got? If so, send me a sign. Send me anything to know you’re watching because if I get nothing in return then I know that I have nothing to live for. I watched as the woman walked away. “Wait,” I said, “What’s your name?”
She smiled at me, “Eva.” Then she walked away up the समुद्र तट and disappeared around the corner. I looked back out at lake and cried some more. When the last light from the sun began to fade I went back to my house. When I walked in my mom was sitting at the तालिका, टेबल holding a shoebox. I knew what was in the shoe box, every picture of Kelsey. I just walked द्वारा and went straight to my room. There was nothing और I could say to my mom. I’d tried to apologize (because I had been the one “driving”), I’d tried to open up to her but she just couldn’t hear me through her own pain. She got up every दिन and went to work came घर went to her bedroom and cried. Some nights like this she would go to the attic, where we kept Kelsey’s things, and look through some of the old photographs.
I slammed my door and laid down on my bed. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that Kelsey was there. I could see her smile and almost hear her, but I heard my door open and लॉस्ट my train of thought. “Umm I was just checking to make sure आप were back.” My mother said. I could see the fresh tears in her eyes which were already red with pain.
“Yep,” I breathed. She left without another word, and I was left once again in the empty silence that had become my life.
The अगला दिन I got up and headed back down to the lake, this was my fourth unexcused absence at school for just this semester. I had already been filed truant द्वारा my school last semester and they told me that at the rate I was going I would never reach senior year, but I honestly didn’t care about reaching senior year. What’s the point if आप don’t even think you’ll make it that long? I knew that because this was my fourth absence that I would be filed truant again, but who cares.
I sat on the shoreline waiting for my answer from Kelsey, but when the sun had risen high in the sky and nothing had come, I figured that was my sign that I had nothing to live for. I would have been willing to live for Kelsey, but it seemed that Kelsey didn’t want that, because if she did she would have told me.
I walked back up to my house slowly to grab some lunch but was stopped द्वारा the sight of a moving truck. It was in front of our house. Were we moving? I ran the rest of the way and took the steps up to my house two at a time. I stormed through the back door and saw my mom talking to this big, white guy with graying hair.
“Yes. Everything goes. I’ll finish packing up my daughter’s room, but if आप could just put the rest of the boxes in the truck I’d appreciate it.” He nodded his head and went about picking up boxes. My mom just stood there for a second.
“Mom?” I asked. “What’s going on? Are we moving?”
“Yes,” she turned slowly to face me, “I can’t afford the house with your father gone.” She talked about him like he was dead, but it wasn’t him who was dead, it was her.
“You can’t sell this house. It’s our home. This is where Kelsey and I grew up.”
“Enough,” my mother yelled, “that is enough. Don’t आप dare tell me what to do! I’m selling the house end of story.”
“Fine,” I stomped off to the kitchen. There were three guys in here moving various boxes. I opened the fridge to find some cheese and a few grapes. I grabbed both and headed back down to the lake. After all, I did want to say goodbye. और than anything I wanted to say goodbye to Kelsey. A memory played in my head.
I ran down to the lake as fast as I could. Kelsey was right behind me. I felt as the water touched my toes I squealed. Kelsey came running up beside me and squealed too as the water touched her toes. I bent over and splashed her soaking her new pair of shorts. I laughed while she stood there shocked.
“Oh you’re gonna pay baby sis.” I looked up into her blue eyes just in time to see her lunge for me. I tried to हटाइए out of the way but she knocked me face first into the water. I came up spitting water from my mouth. My mother who had been watching this all play out ran up to me.
“Carrie are आप okay?” She picked me up. “Kelsey आप know better than to play like that with your sister. She’s only three, आप could have drowned her.”
“It’s okay mommy, she didn’t mean to. I’m fine.” I said. Kelsey began to cry.
“I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
“It’s okay Kelsey don’t cry.” I tried to coo. “Please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry.” Kelsey said. Kelsey was only five so I knew she didn’t mean to hurt me.
I stared blankly at the lake while my vision returned. It was then I noticed I was smiling. आप have to stop that. आप can’t let your emotions win. My smile was instantly replaced with a frown. I couldn’t believe that one moment of memories had allowed me to display my emotions. I was transported back in time again.
“Whoever smiles first is the loser.” Kelsey smiled. This was a game we had come up with a long time पूर्व when we got bored on car trips. It was simple we each got five मिनटों to try to make the other person laugh, but आप couldn’t tickle the other person या get other people to make the other person laugh.
“You’re on.” I stared at her while she made faces at me trying to break my concentration. It felt like forever but finally her turn was done. I let her get her concentration before I bombarded her with funny faces. Within a मिनट of me अभिनय as silly as possible I had her cracking up.
“You’re too good at masking your emotions,” Kelsey laughed in between words. “I say that’s an unfair advantage.”
“Just because आप can’t help but smile doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t resist.” I smiled at her.
The memory began to fade and then disappeared. I opened my eyes and saw a little black stone sitting at my feet. I leaned over and picked it up, it was rather cool; it was black but shiny almost like it had just been polished. I put in my pocket, but my mind still drifted back to that memory of that game. Kelsey आप were right, my being able mask my emotions is an unfair advantage. आप were always right.
Off in the distance I could hear my mother calling my name. I tried to ignore it for as long as I could, but as her voice got closer it became harder to ignore. She touched my shoulder. “We’re leaving now. Come on.” I got up and left without a word, but as I walked away I turned back and looked over my shoulder. I will miss आप lake. और importantly goodbye Kelsey. This was our home, our memories, and now they will be gone, but the pain that is left will still remain even once I leave. I tried to convince mom to keep the house, but I did not win; I’m sorry. I turned back to see my mom staring at me.
“Are we leaving या not?” I snapped.
“Yes we’re leaving.” She walked past me and towards the car. As I climbed into the passenger side I let myself drift off to sleep.
As I stared out across the lake I thought about everything I had been through in the last year. This had been a bad year. It started with my sister being killed in a car accident. I couldn’t even think about that incident without tears welling up in my eyes. Kelsey, I thought, if आप can hear me I’m so sorry. I hope that the pain has ended. I प्यार you. I had been in that accident with her but I had survived and I regretted it every दिन of my life. Why did I have to survive? I couldn’t help but think and be drawn back into that day.
It had started out just like any other day. I got up, got dressed, and got in the car to go to school. My sister, Kelsey, had been driving me around for the last six months. My sister was a very good driver and as we got onto the ramp for Interstate thirty-five Kelsey didn’t see the eighteen-wheeler driving too fast. She merged in just right but quickly regretted that decision when she saw the eighteen-wheeler. Kelsey saw it but barely had time to say anything before it collided with the back end of the car. I smashed my head into the window अगला to me and passed out. When I woke up I was sitting in the car and there was so much blood everywhere. I began to freak out. I looked over at my sister who had a huge gash in her head and was losing blood fast. Without thinking I climbed over to my sister ignoring the pain in my right leg, and pulled her out of her सीट and placed her in the passenger side. At the time I had no idea why I did it but my subconscious knew.
I placed my hand over my sister’s head for pressure and began searching her neck for a pulse and got frustrated when I couldn’t find one. I began freaking out, come on Kelsey, please don’t die on me. आप can’t leave me here. Please come back. I began sobbing uncontrollably, and when the रोगी वाहन, एम्बुलेंस finally arrived I knew, I knew my sister was gone. As they pulled me out of the wreckage I blacked out and prayed for death to take me. I didn’t want to be in a world without my sister.
I could faintly hear the beeping of machines and smell the odor of sanitation it was then that I knew I was in the hospital and not with my sister. There could be no other reason for the noise and smell. I slowly opened my eyes to the white walls of my hospital room. Damn it was all I could think. I could remember every detail and I didn’t want to remember them. God why do आप hate me?
“Carrie,” someone said. I slowly turned to see her mother’s tear streaked face. “Oh my God, I thought I was going to lose आप too. Carrie what do आप remember?” Everything.
“I remember everything,” I began sobbing. The pain was too much for me I was sucked back to the lake and the present.
I grabbed my chest to stop the pain and began sobbing like I had when it was confirmed that I had लॉस्ट my sister forever. I fell to my knees and into the water. My tears mixed with the lake water and disappeared, no one would know the pain that those tears held. Not even my own mother could feel the pain I felt. She felt sadness for the loss of her daughter but she wasn’t there. She didn’t watch as Kelsey’s body लॉस्ट all blood. She didn’t have to live with the nightmares. I was sucked back into another memory.
“You’ve broken every bone in your leg. Including your femur, we went in and inserted pins into your leg. It will be two months before आप even get off crutches but you’re alive and that’s all that matters. The अगला couple of weeks will be critical to your healing. Now tell me; what do आप remember?” The doctor asked.
I didn’t know why but I knew I had to take the blame. “I was driving and I went to get on the highway and I checked my mirror and saw the truck driver a good distance away. I forgot to recheck my mirrors and I merged into traffic. Then five मिनटों later I looked back up and he was right there. I went to say something to Kelsey but before I had time to say anything the truck hit us in the back. I blacked out but when I woke up I saw Kelsey sitting in the passenger सीट and she was bleeding out of her head. I tried to stop it and began looking for a pulse but I couldn’t find one. I couldn’t find one but I tried. There was so much blood; so much blood, and Kelsey wouldn’t stop bleeding. Kelsey’s face was covered in blood. And she had no pulse. And I remember screaming and crying. But I must have blacked out when they pulled me from the car.” I cried.
“Alright, alright, it’s okay Carrie. You’re safe.” The doctor tried to coo. Then everything went black and I was back on the समुद्र तट sitting in the water balling my eyes out.
I still couldn’t make sense of some things that happened that दिन when I woke up. I looked out across the water and tried to find it beautiful like I once had. I still could remember the first time I saw this place I was three and we had just bought this house. My mom had told me that the lake was a gift from God when I asked her about it. My mother was a very godly person and still was even after everything that happened. Her husband leaves her, she loses her daughter, and she basically लॉस्ट me, but yet she continues to believe in a higher power.
After Kelsey was gone I just couldn’t believe anymore. I लॉस्ट hope and honestly I was so angry. Why couldn’t God have left my family alone? Because I wasn’t denying that there was a God because there was, but I just couldn’t believe that he was all powerful and good. आप could say that me and God weren’t talking anymore. He’d abandoned me a long time ago.
I just can’t understand how God can be all powerful if he couldn’t even stop the sleepy eighteen wheeler driver from plowing into the back of us on that day. If he was as good as everyone कहा then he would have taken me with my sister. He wouldn’t have left me here to basically rot from the inside. आप can’t be good if आप see someone going through pain and आप do nothing to stop it. I just couldn’t believe that I was here. God आप should have taken me, I’m used to being the screw up. Why did आप have to take her from me, from my mom, from this world? She was destined to do something great, now I’ll never get to see her walk down the aisle या have a baby. Why did आप take her? I cried and cried until it hurt to cry and even then the tears refused to stop falling.
I hadn’t just लॉस्ट my sister, though, my family was falling apart. My father decided that after Kelsey was gone that there was no point in sticking around. I guess I just wasn’t good enough for him, but I already knew that. I knew from the beginning that my father had his प्रिय and I wasn’t it. Kelsey had always been the favorite. Kelsey could make a person smile when all आप wanted to do was cry. She had the ability to always be positive and never once did she doubt anyone या challenge them. At times it was frustrating the way she never really fought with our parents. It seemed like I was the one always getting in trouble. I was Kelsey’s complete opposite, where she was quiet and well behaved I was loud and obnoxious. I think the thing my father hated about me the most was that I spoke my mind and wasn’t afraid of what others would say once I did just that.
I would have thought that my father would have been ecstatic after the accident because I was no longer that person. I became moody, shy, and to be honest my parents barely ever saw me. It wasn’t like I was going out with फ्रेंड्स या anything I just would go down to the lake and watch the waves like I am now. I closed my eyes and sent up a silent thought to Kelsey. Do आप remember that huge fight we got into before we left for school that day? Do आप remember what that fight was about because I do? I regret that fight every day. Instead of fighting with आप I should have been telling आप how much I loved you. I’m so sorry. I was sucked back in time again.
“Kelsey let me drive.” I begged.
“No, I’m sorry, I know आप got your driver’s license but you’ve only had it for a week and it’s snowing outside. I don’t want आप driving.”
“You never let me drive. I hate you.” I stormed out of the house and went to sit in the car. Kelsey came out a moment later and didn’t say anything when she got in. We rode in silence. I kept looking over because I felt bad for what I had कहा but Kelsey looked fine. I went to say how sorry I was but before I got the chance my head hit something hard and then everything went dark.
I opened my eyes to see I was back on the समुद्र तट but there was a women coming down the समुद्र तट with her dog. As she got closer I saw her mouth moving but I just didn’t care to listen. I honestly thought she was talking to her dog. I turned my back and went to go deeper out. The women walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder.
“Are आप okay?”
“Yes. I’m fine. Please leave me alone.”
“Honey I may not be your mom but what would your mama say if she saw आप out in the lake in the middle of February?”
“I don’t know why don’t आप go ask her.” I turned away from her.
“You’re going to get sick.”
“Good. Maybe then I’ll get so sick that I die.’
“Young lady I may not know आप but I know when I see someone who’s in need for some सलाह and you’re going to listen to what I have to say. आप may not like your life but that doesn’t mean आप get to just throw your life away. Your life may not mean much to आप but to someone else your life may be the most important thing they have.”
“Look you’re really nice and I’m trying not to be rude, but leave me alone.” I tried to go farther out. She grabbed me and pulled me out of the water.
“Sit.”
“No, I don’t have to listen to you.” I went to leave. She grabbed me द्वारा the arm.
“I कहा sit down.” She kind of reminded me of my mother when she used to care. I sat down. “Now listen to me. Your life means a lot. I’ve seen countless young people like आप just throw your lives away, and I will not watch as आप throw yours away. I’m going to tell आप a story; it’s a story about someone who is kind of like you. My son was a good boy but he लॉस्ट his father when he was thirteen, it killed him to watch his father walk out on us. For months I watched as my son became और and और reckless and I didn’t do a thing to stop it. I didn’t know how to help him when I couldn’t much less help myself. One दिन I came घर to find two police cars sitting in front of my house, do आप know why they were there? They were there to tell me that my son had been drinking and had caused a car accident. My sweet little boy had killed two people, and in the end he had died too.
“After the funeral I was going through his things and found this journal of his and in this journal he’d written how he wished he would die. I read the whole entire journal front to back and the whole way through I cried. He talked about how he wished I would say something to him या tell him to stop being so reckless, but I never did. He wrote about how he hated me because I didn’t even try and I was so concerned with what was going on in my world that I never even looked around to see what he was doing. So आप may think your mother doesn’t care about आप but she does. आप can’t just leave your mother staring at pages of a diary with no way to fix it. Do आप understand?”
“Yes.” I blinked tears away, her story had touched me, but I wasn’t going to change. “Your story was really sweet but I’m not your son and no offense but it’s none of your business what I do with my lif
"You’re right it isn’t my business. I just want आप to know that even though आप may think you’re alone you’re not; and if there is no one fighting for आप I want आप to know that someone tried to help. Someone saw आप heading straight on over a cliff and tried to reel आप back in. So I’m going to say one last thing and then be gone. आप have so much life ahead of आप don’t cut it short द्वारा being reckless; get your act together and even if आप can’t get up every दिन for yourself get up anyways. There has to be something that inspires you. If आप can’t live for yourself than live for someone else there has to be someone out there who आप wanted to have a better life but who never got the chance.”
I felt like this woman could see right through me into the deepest darkest parts of my soul. Kelsey, do आप want me to live for you, and have the life आप never got? If so, send me a sign. Send me anything to know you’re watching because if I get nothing in return then I know that I have nothing to live for. I watched as the woman walked away. “Wait,” I said, “What’s your name?”
She smiled at me, “Eva.” Then she walked away up the समुद्र तट and disappeared around the corner. I looked back out at lake and cried some more. When the last light from the sun began to fade I went back to my house. When I walked in my mom was sitting at the तालिका, टेबल holding a shoebox. I knew what was in the shoe box, every picture of Kelsey. I just walked द्वारा and went straight to my room. There was nothing और I could say to my mom. I’d tried to apologize (because I had been the one “driving”), I’d tried to open up to her but she just couldn’t hear me through her own pain. She got up every दिन and went to work came घर went to her bedroom and cried. Some nights like this she would go to the attic, where we kept Kelsey’s things, and look through some of the old photographs.
I slammed my door and laid down on my bed. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that Kelsey was there. I could see her smile and almost hear her, but I heard my door open and लॉस्ट my train of thought. “Umm I was just checking to make sure आप were back.” My mother said. I could see the fresh tears in her eyes which were already red with pain.
“Yep,” I breathed. She left without another word, and I was left once again in the empty silence that had become my life.
The अगला दिन I got up and headed back down to the lake, this was my fourth unexcused absence at school for just this semester. I had already been filed truant द्वारा my school last semester and they told me that at the rate I was going I would never reach senior year, but I honestly didn’t care about reaching senior year. What’s the point if आप don’t even think you’ll make it that long? I knew that because this was my fourth absence that I would be filed truant again, but who cares.
I sat on the shoreline waiting for my answer from Kelsey, but when the sun had risen high in the sky and nothing had come, I figured that was my sign that I had nothing to live for. I would have been willing to live for Kelsey, but it seemed that Kelsey didn’t want that, because if she did she would have told me.
I walked back up to my house slowly to grab some lunch but was stopped द्वारा the sight of a moving truck. It was in front of our house. Were we moving? I ran the rest of the way and took the steps up to my house two at a time. I stormed through the back door and saw my mom talking to this big, white guy with graying hair.
“Yes. Everything goes. I’ll finish packing up my daughter’s room, but if आप could just put the rest of the boxes in the truck I’d appreciate it.” He nodded his head and went about picking up boxes. My mom just stood there for a second.
“Mom?” I asked. “What’s going on? Are we moving?”
“Yes,” she turned slowly to face me, “I can’t afford the house with your father gone.” She talked about him like he was dead, but it wasn’t him who was dead, it was her.
“You can’t sell this house. It’s our home. This is where Kelsey and I grew up.”
“Enough,” my mother yelled, “that is enough. Don’t आप dare tell me what to do! I’m selling the house end of story.”
“Fine,” I stomped off to the kitchen. There were three guys in here moving various boxes. I opened the fridge to find some cheese and a few grapes. I grabbed both and headed back down to the lake. After all, I did want to say goodbye. और than anything I wanted to say goodbye to Kelsey. A memory played in my head.
I ran down to the lake as fast as I could. Kelsey was right behind me. I felt as the water touched my toes I squealed. Kelsey came running up beside me and squealed too as the water touched her toes. I bent over and splashed her soaking her new pair of shorts. I laughed while she stood there shocked.
“Oh you’re gonna pay baby sis.” I looked up into her blue eyes just in time to see her lunge for me. I tried to हटाइए out of the way but she knocked me face first into the water. I came up spitting water from my mouth. My mother who had been watching this all play out ran up to me.
“Carrie are आप okay?” She picked me up. “Kelsey आप know better than to play like that with your sister. She’s only three, आप could have drowned her.”
“It’s okay mommy, she didn’t mean to. I’m fine.” I said. Kelsey began to cry.
“I didn’t mean to hurt her.”
“It’s okay Kelsey don’t cry.” I tried to coo. “Please don’t cry.”
“I’m sorry.” Kelsey said. Kelsey was only five so I knew she didn’t mean to hurt me.
I stared blankly at the lake while my vision returned. It was then I noticed I was smiling. आप have to stop that. आप can’t let your emotions win. My smile was instantly replaced with a frown. I couldn’t believe that one moment of memories had allowed me to display my emotions. I was transported back in time again.
“Whoever smiles first is the loser.” Kelsey smiled. This was a game we had come up with a long time पूर्व when we got bored on car trips. It was simple we each got five मिनटों to try to make the other person laugh, but आप couldn’t tickle the other person या get other people to make the other person laugh.
“You’re on.” I stared at her while she made faces at me trying to break my concentration. It felt like forever but finally her turn was done. I let her get her concentration before I bombarded her with funny faces. Within a मिनट of me अभिनय as silly as possible I had her cracking up.
“You’re too good at masking your emotions,” Kelsey laughed in between words. “I say that’s an unfair advantage.”
“Just because आप can’t help but smile doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t resist.” I smiled at her.
The memory began to fade and then disappeared. I opened my eyes and saw a little black stone sitting at my feet. I leaned over and picked it up, it was rather cool; it was black but shiny almost like it had just been polished. I put in my pocket, but my mind still drifted back to that memory of that game. Kelsey आप were right, my being able mask my emotions is an unfair advantage. आप were always right.
Off in the distance I could hear my mother calling my name. I tried to ignore it for as long as I could, but as her voice got closer it became harder to ignore. She touched my shoulder. “We’re leaving now. Come on.” I got up and left without a word, but as I walked away I turned back and looked over my shoulder. I will miss आप lake. और importantly goodbye Kelsey. This was our home, our memories, and now they will be gone, but the pain that is left will still remain even once I leave. I tried to convince mom to keep the house, but I did not win; I’m sorry. I turned back to see my mom staring at me.
“Are we leaving या not?” I snapped.
“Yes we’re leaving.” She walked past me and towards the car. As I climbed into the passenger side I let myself drift off to sleep.
War
I am weak losing strength, like losing blood
but the scene just drags on no one sees me.
I am unnoticed and as the picture fades away.
I'm covered with a touch, a healing touch.
I look at the face, the kind kind face smiling down at me.
I extend a hand but it never reaches its destination.
About this poem: I wrote it last night and its set in Afghanistan when someone's been shot and everyone's busy fighting so they don't notice him and then he sees the एंजल of death in front of him and then he dies before he can touch it.
Dedicated to the soldiers of Afghanistan.
I am weak losing strength, like losing blood
but the scene just drags on no one sees me.
I am unnoticed and as the picture fades away.
I'm covered with a touch, a healing touch.
I look at the face, the kind kind face smiling down at me.
I extend a hand but it never reaches its destination.
About this poem: I wrote it last night and its set in Afghanistan when someone's been shot and everyone's busy fighting so they don't notice him and then he sees the एंजल of death in front of him and then he dies before he can touch it.
Dedicated to the soldiers of Afghanistan.
Last Love
Your दिल is breaking,
waiting for a rose to bloom again,
hoping your दिल wounds will heal,
Not knowing that it can't.
आप cry out in pain but no one can hear you.
About poem: I wrote this poem Saturday night(AKA yesterday) Its about someone who was being abused द्वारा their girl/boyfriend then she/he dumps them and their alone on the सड़क, स्ट्रीट and no one will hear cause their minds are full of hate and ignorance, they ignore the hurt person and let them scream out in pain.
(If this poem disturbs u plz message me and I'll मिटाइए it या put............well i don't know)
Your दिल is breaking,
waiting for a rose to bloom again,
hoping your दिल wounds will heal,
Not knowing that it can't.
आप cry out in pain but no one can hear you.
About poem: I wrote this poem Saturday night(AKA yesterday) Its about someone who was being abused द्वारा their girl/boyfriend then she/he dumps them and their alone on the सड़क, स्ट्रीट and no one will hear cause their minds are full of hate and ignorance, they ignore the hurt person and let them scream out in pain.
(If this poem disturbs u plz message me and I'll मिटाइए it या put............well i don't know)
Pain Of Secrets
दिन द्वारा day, your corrage
fades and the mask falls
off your face.
People start to notice
and ask if your ok,
the और they ask
the और आप sulk
your heading for a cliff.
Your hurting yourself,
your such a disgrace
and आप should never
have excist.
आप collapes at school
from all the pressure,
people say its from all
the leasure.
Tear drop hits the floor.
आप stand at a bridge
and look at the road
below.
Walking forward,
someone tries to stop
you,
आप turn around and
there stands the
man of your dreams.
He brings आप close
and hugs आप saying
its going to be okay.
दिन द्वारा day, your corrage
fades and the mask falls
off your face.
People start to notice
and ask if your ok,
the और they ask
the और आप sulk
your heading for a cliff.
Your hurting yourself,
your such a disgrace
and आप should never
have excist.
आप collapes at school
from all the pressure,
people say its from all
the leasure.
Tear drop hits the floor.
आप stand at a bridge
and look at the road
below.
Walking forward,
someone tries to stop
you,
आप turn around and
there stands the
man of your dreams.
He brings आप close
and hugs आप saying
its going to be okay.
King Of Evil
Blood trickles, rain pours
lightning strikes at your door.
आग burns, children scream,
even और pain as it seems.
Sun hides, darkness shows,
as the king evil grows.
His army growing stronger and stronger
and your living a life of danger.
They patrol the street
looking for something
to eat.
If they smell you,
you'd better run.
About this poem: This poem is about people living in fear and a bad magician who calls himself king and tries to feed his भालू army (sounds alot like narnia)
:P
:)
:D
XO
:O
Blood trickles, rain pours
lightning strikes at your door.
आग burns, children scream,
even और pain as it seems.
Sun hides, darkness shows,
as the king evil grows.
His army growing stronger and stronger
and your living a life of danger.
They patrol the street
looking for something
to eat.
If they smell you,
you'd better run.
About this poem: This poem is about people living in fear and a bad magician who calls himself king and tries to feed his भालू army (sounds alot like narnia)
:P
:)
:D
XO
:O