लेखन Extremly Long ईमो Stories!!! don't forget to rate!!!(a क्विज़ i took on my yearbook)

khfan12 posted on Jun 13, 2008 at 03:15AM
Extremly Long Emo Stories!!! don't forget to rate!!!
#3 Danny (your bestfriend)

You reach into the hat and pull out the #3 and practically scream it out. you hold your breath and see Danny (your bff) stand up. You exhale feeling relieved you weren't stuck with anyone else. He tosses his head back laughing and says ''hey sexy! would you like joining me in the closet?'' ''it would be my pleasure,'' you say inbetween giggles. He leads you in by your waist and smacks your ass. You let out a sexy yelp and return the favor by smacking his ass. ''Baby chill, were not even in the closet yet,'' he says sarcastically and everyone laughs while he locks the door. He turns to you and starts tickling your sides. ''Danny, stop!'' you say laughing hysterically. ''Nope, i don't think so,'' he says tickling you even more. You fall to the floor laughing in pain and he climbs on top of you. You use your hands to push him off but he is too strong. You both wrestle for awhile, Knocking coats and boxes over everywhere. Out of nowhere a box smacks Danny in the head sending his face crashing into yours. His lips press firmly against yours and quickly he lifts his head. ''im so sorry ______, that was an accident!'' he said still laying ontop of you. ''it's ok......it was just an accident,'' you say, trying to put together what just happened. Everything goes silent and he notices he is still ontop of you. ''ohh....sorry....i should get off now,'' he said feeling awkward but he didn't. He stayed hovering above your body. You give him a questioning smile and you feel him getting hard. His cheeks turn a bright shade of pink and he starts picking himself up but you immediately bring him down once again. ''what is happening,'' he says smiling. ''i don't know but....i don't want this to stop,'' you say in a breathless whisper. He looks back at you with intense eyes then grabs your face and passionately kisses you. He starts sucking on your neck while you unbuckle his pants. Still working on your neck, he somehow manages to strip you naked and you do the same for him. He positions himself comfortably on you and starts going in, inch by inch. Teasing you with every stroke. You had enough and screamed his name. He smiled and shoved it all the way. You moan, enjoying every second of it. By the time you both were done you were hot, sweaty, and breathing heavily on his chest. Finally he spoke ''_______, i love you, i always have and....i just wanted you to know that,'' tears formed in your eyes. ''Danny, i love you too,'' you say looking at him. He stares back and places a kiss on the top of your head. Just then i knocked on the door. ''Hey you guys, Times Up!'' you both exchange glances and quickly get dressed. while walking out Danny whispers in your ear ''_______ be my forever,'' you turn, pull him close and whisper back ''forever babe,'' The whole night you both talked, made out, and eventually fell to sleep. After two months of dating you find out that you are pregnant. You get really worried and tell Danny. He's quiet for a moment but then smiles ''wow...we are gonna have a baby,'' he finally said. ''are you sure your ok with this?'' you ask nervously. ''________, im more than happy, im going to be a father,'' he said tearing up. He pulls you close and you both cry in eachothers arms. ''I'll take care of you _______,.....i promise,'' he says while caressing your face. Two weeks later he proposes and starts planning out the future. He keeps telling you that he wants a big house full of children but most of all, he wants you to be happy with him. During the pregnancy, you find that Danny is excited to be a father. He keeps talking about the baby and how he can't wait to hold it in his arms. But unfortunately you have a miscarriage and he cries for months. You both went through many hard times and Danny had a bad case of depression. One day after school you dropped by Danny's house and found him making out with another one of your best friends ''How could you Danny!'' you cry out and run out of the house. ''_______, come back!! it's not what it looks like,'' he tries screaming but you are already gone. A month passes by since the incident and you find out that Danny left you pregnant once again. Your parents kick you out so you go and live with Alex (your ex) for support. You get a call a few days later that Danny was in a bad car wreck for drunk driving and was severely hurt. You and Alex rush to the hospital and you burst into his room. He looked practically dead. You busted out crying and ran to his side while Alex stood beside you. Danny opened his eyes and started to tear at the site of you. ''________, im so sorry i caused you pain but you have to know that i didn't cheat on you! she came unto me! ive been true to you since the beginning,'' he said choking up. ''Danny don't even worry about that now, i just want you to make it out of here,'' you said while stroking his hair. He looked at you and squinted his eyes in pain. ''_______....im not....going....to make it,'' he said inbetween gasps of breaths. You couldn't believe what you were hearing. ''NO Danny! don't talk like that! you'll see, youll be better in no time! then we can get married like we planned,'' he looked back at you with hurt eyes. ''im so sorry baby...i just can't...hold on much longer,'' he said. Your eyes started to burn. ''Danny, you can't go!...you need to live because im pregnant,'' he looked up at you shocked and you continued. ''Your going to be a father Danny, just like you always wanted,'' Tears started raining down his face then he noticed Alex in the background ''No....Alex is,'' he said and passed away. ''Danny?...Danny?...DANNY!!! wake up! don't leave me like this!'' you cried out but it was too late. You spent the whole night crying in Alex's arms. A few months later you gave birth to a handsome baby boy who looked exactly like Danny. Alex helped you raise Danny Jr. and you both got married 2 years later. But not one day passes where you do not think of your true love, Danny...may he rest in peace. awww OMG that is sooo sad! IM CRYING! lol. {copied from myyeabook.com}

लेखन 98 उत्तरों

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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Dearheart said…
O.o *cough*


*puts on her Simon Cowell voice* Quite frankly, I'm speechless. And not in a good way.
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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना twilightbandlol said…
lol, i didnt read it but funny comment, DearHeart. XD
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना twilightbandlol said…
big smile
HEYY! ok, i read it NOW! and idk what you were thinking,dearheart! that was a great story! so sad! awesome! :)
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना liissaaxx said…
Great story!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना twilightbandlol said…
i know, right?!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Dearheart said…
Oy, must I really explain myself? Maybe I should get a degree as an English teacher... *sighs and rubs temples* Where to begin?

*puts on her Simon Cowell Voice again* Alright. The basics.

1) Spellcheck is your friend. Use it.

2) Paragraphs and proper grammar are also your friends. Use them too.

3) Mr. Thesaurus and Mr. Dictionary are your VERY good friends. Need I say more?

4) That sex scene was painfully unnecessary (I don't need all the dirty details of their fling, thank you. Harlequin-romance-novel-esques do not amuse us.). But if you absolutely MUST write one, please do so in a way that won't make me want to bang my head repetitively against a wall.

5) Going hand-in-hand with the above, the romance and dialog were so, so corny. "Be my forever." "Forever babe." AAAUUUGH, IT BURNS!! Have your read Twilight? No offense against any Twi-hards, but if so, do yourself a favor and read something better romance-wise. The fresh, new, better-quality influence will probably do you good.

6) The whole thing was horribly, horribly written. Okay, so the story itself was sweet, sad, fluffy, "ZOMG awesome!!1", etc...but it was totally ruined for me by the rushed, lifeless, grammar-less, mediocre quality of the writing. Call me a stuck-up prick if you like, but it's true! When I read something, I don't want to read about it; I want to experience it. There's a huge, crucial difference.

Next time, use your friends: Mr. Grammar and his Amazing Paragraphs, Mr. Spellcheck, Mr. Dictionary and Mr. Thesaurus.

*switches to her Randy Jackson Voice* Dawg, next time, don't rush or skim over things! Take time to develop your characters and turn them into people we can care about. NOTHING is more important in a romance than the characters, so give 'em a little TLC. :-)

Also, put more life and color into your writing. Make the story come alive for us. Give us sights, sounds, smells, textures, tastes and help us experience what your characters are experiencing. I wanna feel it man, ya know?

*switches to her Paula Abdul Voice* And until next time, keep writing and practicing and having fun! If writing isn't something you enjoy, then it's not worth doing. I see a lot of potential in you, so don't let this Simon Scowl person get you down or stop you from writing...

*Simon Voice* What "potential" are you talking about? It was hideous!

*Paula Voice* Okay, so it was rough, but it's nothing that can't be improved on...

*Simon Voice* There's nothing to "improve on" and I don't see how--

*Dearheart Voice* Both of you, SHUT UP!!!
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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना tvluva49 said…
Uh DearHeart, it was a nice and sweet story, even if it wasn't too good with grammer. I liked it! :) Good job khfan12!!! :)
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Dearheart said…
If you liked it, good for you.

I guess that's partly why I'm here, lol. Everyone is so good at heaping praise on people's work; SOMEONE has to be the mean critic around here. Might as well be me. =P
 If आप liked it, good for you. I guess that's partly why I'm here, lol. Everyone is so good at heap
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना teamalice_0 said…
DearHeart no offense the switching voices, creepy. And i love it the article, DearHeart go stright down south!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना harold said…
Was this copied from someplace else, or just using a story prompt from someplace else? The whole "pulling a #3 from the hat" thing didn't make sense without context.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना khfan12 said…
well, at the start of the thing, it says 'A quiz i took on myyearbook' so you see, i didn't even write it. and, i am always correcting my friends' stories. anyway, im gonna put a new story on here. you'll see soon.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना sweet_n_silly said…
all that critisism was very true, it does need much help, a little cleaning, and some depth, but overall, it was pretty dang good
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना pixie09 said…
big smile
oh dearheart, you make me laugh. Im not sure what is funnier/sadder/more embarrassing, the story or your nice "mrs Cox" response (shes my English teacher, btw, shes awesome)

but i kinda agree, if im reading something sad and "feely" i want to be consumed. if that was well written, i would be crying right now because im a sucker for this kind of stuff, but as i am not ...

and im not saying anything against you khfan12 coz i know u didnt write it, im just giving my opinion. it was ok tho :p
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना khfan12 said…
its okay. im working on a few stories, and looking at the criticism for this thing kinda helps me with what i should put into my stories. but thanks to those of you who get the point of that fact that i didn't write this!
 its okay. im working on a few stories, and looking at the criticism for this thing kinda helps me wit
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना harold said…
OK, I still don't get it. You feel a twinge in your arm as a gazelle leaps past, and suddenly the flavor of lime fills your mouth. Laughingly you rest your arm on the shoulder of your companion, who teases you with a little pinch on the cheek. Later you can't remember which one. Critically it's unimportant. The air on the savannah is clear and free; breathing in, you remember a time not so long ago when you were on top of a mountain and the goats came and ate from your fingers, the hairy lips nuzzling your skin to make you laugh. Those were the good times. But what happened to them? Random events intervened, sometimes sensible, sometimes violent, sometimes with an inappropriate amount of sexual description. There was that time on the motorcycle in Madrid, thundering down the streets until your thighs ached, ached with longing. Pursued by the cops and your ex-lover, not knowing which would be worse, you fled into the Pyrenees until you ran out of gas, continuing on foot until your shoes wore out. Then you were left hiding out in culverts, waiting for passing trucks that might stop to give you a ride. Any direction as long as it was away from there, whatever the price. That simpering dog with its patchy coat! How the wind blew! The switchbacks were particularly treacherous, turning like a toddler's scribble back and forth, back and forth, up and down, up and down, in and out, in and out again until emerging from the tunnel, coming out in France. That was a hard time, and your temper was thin. You found little room in your heart for forgiveness when the bill arrived. How could you pay that? How could he think to charge you at all? Your speech was terrible, but this far south they didn't care so much, so you made do. Dew that sparkled on your eyelashes when you first woke in the morning, shivering and wet. Beauty is everywhere, you thought, getting a few euro begging after telling Jeremy's sob story to the tourists in your broken stutter. It wasn't your story, but it was so much better, arousing pity and a little disgust so that the people would give you something just to make you go away. It was a good gig, as long as it lasted. Sometimes someone would report you, but the authorities never did anything about you scrounging through the trash. They were just happy to have people there. You guess even they got lonely, and certainly you took advantage of that from time to time. Plus they got cash for every body that came through the gate, whether or not they were constructive members of their society or just random drifters. Penny thought so, too. You could still smell her sweet breath of cough drops as she breathed on your neck, complimenting you beyond all reasonable scale. "You just walked over here without falling down, you stud!" she panted, licking your neck and giggling. Eventually it was too much and you had to move on. On to the raves and the biergartens, crumbling castles and smooth sedans tearing down the road to make the next leg of the big bike race. and as you continued you found that discrete thought escaped you and it all flowed together like i said to you pedro its not what you do its how you say it or how i say it anyway but how am i supposed to follow what you mean theres no intro question or even sign of thought i thought youd say that as mine my mined mind fractures and oscillates like a kaleidoscope what is meaning and how do i get there i sure dunno what you mean dude yeah i thought youd say that too youre so predictable sometimes well if thats the case why dont you just leave i couldnt do that i didnt mean it why do you have to be that way couldnt i just crash on the sofa and dont you like it when i do that no well then how about this thats better i guess just for a night but thats it but when you woke up someone was in the room, dead. You didn't know who it was, but it still terrified you. What was happening? Your heart thumping in your chest. Should you call on the phone. Your ears ringing as if they were phones, too. Mindlessly, needlessly, heedlessly, you screamed. Whoever it was, you were gonna miss him. Or her. Somehow.
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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Ephan_throwz961 said…
Wow,That's the great one!

Believe me!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना twilight0girl said…
really awsome,and im speechless,in a GOOD way
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Night-Sky said…
No offence, khfan 12, but... I don't really like it. The characters seem very one dimentional and its not written very well. Its also quite unbeleivable.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Buggie111 said…
Kind of... disturbing. It was kind of eww and blech but the part when Danny dies was ok. I wasn't that sad really, I was only like "wow!" But my older brother read it and said "quite something alright."
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Sweet_Pants said…
'and he passed away'
Very rushed, and that part right there just proves my point, but overall, good story, just...not so good you know?
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना MIKEYWAY445 said…
This is so good! You should make a bunch of short stories like this one into a book and you will get published for sure!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Reject said…
it was alright.
the fact that they had sex in a closet threw me.
it wasn't very romantic..
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Batmannnn said…
It was pretty cool but why the hell did you have to go and kill him off, I mean c'monnnnnnnn
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना khfan12 said…
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना stopbullying said…
dear heart u stink!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Dearheart said…
Wow, that was a while ago...and yes, people, I am well aware now that khfan12 did not write this. The whole quiz thing wasn't clear to me, so sorry for jumping to conclusions!

Khfan, I'm also sorry if any of what I said hurt your feelings. That's not what I was trying to do. And even though the story wasn't yours, I'm glad to hear that the constructive criticism is helping a little with your own work! =) Write on!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना xxXsk8trXxx said…
did u write that (just wondering, I wont criticize u)
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना kayleebabee said…
it was cool whoeva wrote it.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना 123cosmo4 said…
big smile
OMG! Fang Ride is awesome!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना khfan12 said…
big smile
Thanks, Dearheart! and you're right! My writing has gotten better, in my opinion, and anybody else's who reads my material. I've been really busy, so i feel like some of them(mostly fanfictions) have been left in the dark. I'm going to put some on here, and a link to a website where you all can keep up with what i write.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना pixie09 said…
alls well that ends well
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Silver_Sword said…
Cool :)
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना OneFoggyNight said…
I didnt really like it. A little corny.... not trying to be offencive or anything, but not really my style. And please do note that I am well aware that khfan did not write this, but whovever did was..............need I say more?
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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना j1edwardcullen7 said…
I find your comments to be somewhat true.
Though, I think you could've represented yourself in a bit more friendlier way. Your comments came off harsh and unnecessarily insulting. You could've given the same exact advice you gave without the American Idol reference, nor the "is your friend" repetitions.
I do have to agree it was a bit one dimensional, and Harold's right for a lot of this. He's making an attempt, however, to understand whereas DearHeart understood but critisized. It was fairly understandable, but a bit over... overdone. Now, I'm not saying I personally found the story to be profound or incredible; but I did like the IDEA... just didn't amaze me much at all.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना j1edwardcullen7 said…
Oh, whoops! I'd just seen this was two pages!
DearHeart; yeah, I thought she wrote it too, and I didn't understand the blanks. It wasn't that I jumped to conclusions, I just thought it was a MASH type thing she did, and wrote out her story or something to match it. Haha, my bad!!!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Dearheart said…
j1edwardcullen7 - yeah, you're right. xD I was too snarky, and I'm not afraid to admit it. I had a lot sarcasm going on back then. To be honest, my life was not where it should have been. I was pushing God out of my world, and because of that I got confused and cynical about a lot of things; my attitude and personality (both online and offline) took a turn for the worst. I'm not saying this as an excuse...just as an explanation.

Thankfully, my life is back on track and I'm back to my old, friendlier, goofier self. ^__^ And I'm not proud about some of the things I said before. Witty, sarcastic criticisms are fun and tempting to write, but that doesn't mean I should give into them. So to anyone I ever hurt here with my words, I'm sorry. And I promise to be nicer next time I leave a concrit. =)
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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Shepard14 said…
It is not the kind of Romance novel i would read....the whole sex scene in the closet had me staring blankly at the screen going....seriously? khfan12, i hope your writing is going great and perhaps you can rescue us from this kind of story that tons of us don't want to hear....

एक साल  से अधिक पुराना lilacool said…
It's a nice story.Pretty sad,though.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना skipperluvs said…
Wow! Is this a real story??? Uh...it was a little perverted at the beginning, but the ending was really sweet and this was a very cute story. I liked it :D
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना j1edwardcullen7 said…
No problem! (:
We've all had our off times, and you're one of the few who admit and apologize for them. You seem very nice, and open... much more so than before.
I don't think you genuinely hurt anyone... but you might've, had it been a sensitive person.
But, yes, they are tempting... sometimes I write flatout rants to people... but then regret it and never send it. xD

Pushing God away's not wrong - believe what you believe.
I, personally, am Agnostic at the moment.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना j1edwardcullen7 said…
And, I just kinda want to say...
The end was my favourite part.
Not her getting together with Alex.
Him dying(;
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना chocolatecurlz said…
Okayy I'mma do my idol thing dawg. (I sound like Randy Jackson)

Simon: Okay, well I didn't really like it-
Paula: Simon, shut up *hits him*
Simon: I didn't.
Paula: S-
Simon: Let me speak! The grammar wasn't very good, the diologue was mediocre, and well and you didn't use much intellegent speak.
Paula: *rolls eyes*
Simon: Don't roll your eyes at me, its the truth.
Randy: Okay dawg, I thought it was okay. With a little touch up, dawg, it'd be something to look at.
Paula: I like the idea. I think that you could really go on to bigger things with a little more practice. *smiles* And you know the only reason Simon doesn't like it is because his epic fail at being anywhere near romantic, and just the thought of it gives him a pain in the heart. He knows he can't have me. *smiles and looks over at him*
Simon: Who said I even want you?
Randy & Kara: Ohhhhhh... *gapes*
Kara: Okay, I thought it was okay. A little corny, but with some help, definitely some potential.
Simon: Oh please.
Paula: Simon, shut your f***ing mouth. Go back to Britian.
Ryan: Ouch, looks like someone put these lovebirds in a fight. But we all know that Kara and Randy got there heads on straight.
Paula: RYAN! COME GET YOUR BOYFRIEND!! *has a giggle fit*
Ryan: Superman to the rescue. *walks in*
Paula: Can we have him deported?
Kara: We should make a facebook club..
Paula: Yeah and a fanpop page.
Kara: Yes!!! Lets go!!

The End.

Okay my serious review. Little corny, not so great grammar, you need more intellegent speak, and you need to slow down the story a bit. You're like going race car fast on a dead end road (not good). But you have some potential if those things get fixed. BTWS, Listen to Kara and Randy. Not Simon. Oh and I love the fact that Danny wanted to be a father. (:
One tip with grammar, When a new person talks, make a new paragraph. And change he passes away and alex held you to something like "And as you look up you see the heart monitor stop. You feel like your world is caving in. As the doctors come in with the paddles, you fall to the ground sobbing. "Danny. Danny? Danny! Don't leave me like this!" You scream and bang your fist on the bed. Thank god, Alex was there to hold you, it makes some of the pain go away, but not all of it." (Sorry, got a little carried away, its a good storyline!)
And don't rag on DearHeart! We need someone to give constructive help. No ones perfect! I'd like her to give me critisism because I want to be a better writter, and if you can't handle critisism, don't post your work. I'm very impressed that you didn't say anything rude to DearHeart.
This was not meant to be rude, just constructive. I think I was a little harshh.... ILY! And I did the American Idol reference because I miss PAULA!!!!! :(
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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना chocolatecurlz said…
Oh I just found out that this wasn't khfan's work. I'm keeping up my comment coz' I like my AI story heehee. Anyways, I look forward to reading YOUR work (: And I won't be as harsh.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना dylin1 said…
awh. OMFG... that was slightly graphic.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना FIALMOIVLEY said…
The story plot was really good. But I wish you showed us more of their past together, and what their personality is like. Also, it said he did/she did/then too much. But other then all that, I liked it.
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना Free_Spirit said…
I'm sorry people but i didn't find this that sad, and it was kinda corny and too rushed. Also thre is not a depth to the characters, and khfan i realised you didn't write this
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एक साल  से अधिक पुराना vale16 said…
its a good story i like it:)
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना sonicgirl9 said…
awww thats such a good story!!
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना K5-HOWL said…
im crying now
एक साल  से अधिक पुराना mikeguy said…
that was... just... whatever