-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Alright… a response to this gay note Bella gave to her dad to give to my dad to give to me. I’ll have to try and sound sincere. And angry. I’ll press the pen into the paper to dent it so she feels guilty.
Billy: -appears out of thin air- talking to No one again, son?
Jacob: Yep. I trust him with aaaalllll my secrets.
No one: Somehow it’s always us two when आप speak your thoughts like this. I guess I just repulse people. –Sobs– Were is Jasper when I need him?! And where the hell is my knife?!
Jacob: Damn you, No one! आप aren’t supposed to reply when I tell आप about these things. It makes the moment feel less deep and meaningful.
No one: आप were talking about revenge, in a sense. Is that meaningful?
Jacob: Piss off! –Throws lamp with werewolf strength and then walks through wall–
Billy: Why didn’t आप use the front door, Jacob?
Jacob: This is और dramatic. And I’m dramatic. And hot. I have a whole .5 percent of Twilighters in my fanclub. –Strikes a pose–
Billy: My boy! You’re famous! And hot. Mmm…
Jacob: I know, dad. I know.
-at Bella’s house-
Bella: Edward, I need to go see Jacob. I mean, look at the dents on this paper! It must have taken an awful lot of work and strength and anger to do that!
Edward: NO! I can’t let आप see your best friend! That would be sick! It would be wrong! It’s illegal.
Bella: How’s it illegal?
Edward: It just… it just is, okay?
Bella: I don’t believe you.
Edward: Damn. Must dazzle you… -dazzles-
Bella: Aummuhh… seven?
Bella: आप won’t get away with this.
Edward: But I will. Anyways, Jacob might have been part of the group that wanted a quarter from आप a साल ago! If आप are alone with him, he might finally get that quarter. I can’t let that happen to you!
Bella: you’re too overprotective. It’s really creepy.
Edward: How can I be a slut? I’m a guy.
Bella: आप can’t prove that! (A/N My catch phrase :D)
Edward: Actually, I can. But I’m too much of a prude to दिखाना you.
Bella: Why won’t आप sleep with me?! Do आप hate me?! -Sobs- JASPER!
Edward: Damn Jasper and his “sensitive side”! I think he’s gay. But comforting, nonetheless. JASPER!
-The अगला day-
Bella: I’m alone… must go to Jacob’s!
Edward: No! Ha! I got here before you! आप just got served, bitch!
Bella: What the hell did आप do to my frickin car?!
Edward: I took out the engine.
Edward: I have no idea. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to put whatever the hell this is back in you’re car द्वारा tomorrow, though, या else you’re screwed.
Bella: Go to hell.
Edward: Already there, Bella. Already there. If आप don’t want me to stalk आप tonight I’ll understand.
Bella: Nah. The thought of… always being watched… is comforting. Murderer या not, you’re still hot.
Edward: That I am, Bella. That I am.
-The अगला दिन at Bella’s job-
Bella: Call 1-800, Newton’s! Michael Newton has the girls pukin’! (A/N sing this to the tune of the Stanley Steemer commercial)
Mike: Ouch. That was cold.
Bella: But true.
Mike: I know. I’ve seen it in action. But आप don’t need to rub it in.
Bella: आप want me to get no one to do it for me?
Mike: -sighs- no. Just… go home.
Mike: I dunno. The लेखक of this parody doesn’t have a sarcastic या witty line to write here.
Bella: …Okay then. I guess I’ll go to Jacob’s now. I can’t believe Edward got that piece back in my truck.
Mike: आप sound so proud.
Bella: I am. Last week he was learning to take his first steps. My little boy is growing up!
Mike: That makes no sense.
Bella: I know. Ponder THAT!
Mike: I’ll try. But it will hurt, a lot.
Bella: Well, while आप go kill yourself trying to get those non-existent brain cells working, I’m gonna go see Jacob. And there’s No one to stop me now!
No one: I can’t stop you! Look at these arms! They are smaller than Barbie’s!
Bella: आप have a point there, Mr. Manorexic. (A/N My twin sister, Cara, loves this word. This sentence is dedicated to you! ;) ) I guess I can go now without being stopped!
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bells! You’re here!
Bella: Don’t call me Bells. MY dad calls me that, and if आप wanna get laid I don’t want to see आप as my father figure. Also, do I look like a piece of metal that chimes to you?
Bella: That’s not going to help आप get some, either.
Bella: That’s better. Anyways, of course I’m here. Thanks for stating the obvious.
Jacob: No problem! I was told आप were a bit slow, so I thought it would help.
Bella: Who कहा that?
Jacob: No one.
No one: Why does everyone always accuse me of saying these things?
Bella: Because you’d be the easiest to kill if आप ever tried to defend yourself.
No one: Damn आप and your logic…
-A few hours later-
Bella: I’m going घर now.
Bella: So Edward doesn’t know I am cheating on him द्वारा being with आप so long.
Jacob: Fine then.
-Back at Charlie’s house-
Bella: हे Eddie!
Edward: Did आप give him the quarter?
Edward: आप got lucky. He’s just trying to gain your trust so it doesn’t look suspicious.
Bella: Probably. आप can’t change the past though.
Edward: Not YET.
Bella: What’s that supposed to mean?
Edward: You’ll find out… in some… alternate universe 5th book…
Bella: Oookay then.
-The अगला day-
Edward: Dammit Bella! आप keep interrupting my hunting trips because of your need to rape young boys!
Bella: Isn’t that Michael Jackson’s job?
Edward: That’s beside the point! I’m having Alice watch over आप for the अगला couple days.
Bella: Screw you.
Alice: Hi Bella!
Bella: Hi Rhonda.
Alice: Rhonda? My name is Alice!
Bella: Oh. I thought it was Rhonda.
Bella: Close isn’t good enough. I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! –sobs- WHERE IS YOUR ईमो AND GAY BOYFRIEND WHEN आप NEED HIM?!
Alice: Probably crawled up in the corner of our room with a knife.
Bella: Oh. I’ll look for him later then. I’m going to bed.
-One घंटा later-
Rosalie: हे Bella! Just came in here to tell आप why I would rather choke बिल्ली के बच्चे and then eat their flesh before making आप officially part of the family.
Bella: Which is?
Rosalie: I was raped.
Bella: Oh. Um… What does that have to do with me becoming a vampire?
Rosalie: -shrugs- I dunno. I thought that maybe if आप pitied me आप would feel bad and do things my way. Do आप sympathize?
Bella: Not really, no.
Rosalie: Damn. –walks out of room-
Jacob: Come on, Bella! Let’s go!
Bella: Damn you, peer pressure!
Jacob: So I hear you’re pregnant.
Bella: Huh? What the hell?
Jacob: Just trying to make conversation…
Bella: द्वारा asking if I’m pregnant? God, I’m not that fat, am I?
Bella: Oh god! –Runs to bathroom and shoves finger down throat– How bout now?
Jacob: So you’re not pregnant?
Bella: Nope. वैंपायर can’t have children, and I’m going to be one.
Jacob: No! I’ll kill आप before that happens!
Bella: Edward already has dibs.
-The अगला night-
Bella: Edward? Is that you?
Edward: Nope. I’m the Ghost from क्रिस्मस Past. Go back to sleep.
Bella: -falls asleep-
-The अगला day-
Bella: Why are all my clothes missing?
Edward: Someone’s been here.
Bella: But it’s summer.
Edward: Oh… Then maybe it was a leprechaun. या the Easter Bunny.
Bella: या the Volturi. या an army of newborns.
Edward: Nah, that doesn’t seem at all likely.
Bella: We should prepare though. I’m going to see Jacob.
Edward: Fine. But don’t bring any money.
-At Jacob’s house-
Jacob: Bella, I have something to tell you.
Bella: What is it?
Jacob: I want आप to choose me. I प्यार you.
Bella: I know.
Jacob: Oh, आप do? Well, that’s humiliating.
Bella: Very. Besides, real men sparkle. I choose Edward.
Jacob: Dammit, Bella! I’ll make आप प्यार me!
Bella: No! Don’t rape me!
Jacob: I won’t. Not yet, anyway. –Kisses Bella–
Bella: Abuse! Harassment! Violation! Ick!
Jacob: I didn’t rape आप yet, god. आप have to wait until I put—
Bella: Stop! Edward hasn’t told me how to do the rest yet!
Jacob: Um… ew?
Bella: Gah! –Punches Jacob–
Jacob: What was that for?
Bella: I have no idea. It was part of the storyline. Whatever the reason, though, it broke my hand.
Jacob: Shouldn’t आप be writhing in pain?
Bella: …Oh yeah. –Flails arm unenthusiastically–
Jacob: I guess I should take आप घर now.
Bella: Hells-to-the-freaking-yes! (A/N aha sorry I’ve always wanted to make her say that)
Bella: That was a HUGE time skip! Anyways Alice, I think the person raiding my closet and the hormonal newborns are the same people and they are coming after me.
Alice: How could I have not seen this coming?
Bella: Do I look like the wizard of oz या someone else who could give आप all the answers?
Alice: No. आप look और like one of the munchkins.
Bella: Look who’s talking, shortie.
Alice: -kicks Bella with super vampire strength- Don’t piss of short people, tall…ie…
Bella: I’m not that tall. Anyways, I guess we should tell Edward.
Alice: Nope. I guess आप should tell Edward. I’m hooking up with Jasper after the ceremony.
Bella: Damn. I thought I had dibs on ईमो boy.
Bella: Guess what, Edward? Some newborns are off to kill me!
Edward: I thought that was my job!
Bella: I guess they didn’t get the message.
Edward: Probably. Well, -sighs- I guess we should try and save आप from your killer(s). Again.
Bella: That’s the spirit!
Bella: This party… is sooo gay…
Edward: I know, right? Wait here. I’m going to talk to Alice because of my strong and needy dependency of her.
Bella: Fine then. I’ll just go talk to भेड़िया boy. –Sneezes–
Jacob: हे Bella! I got आप a present!
Bella: Aw, thanks Jake! आप -sneeze- shouldn’t have! -Sneeze-
Jacob: See? It’s a bracelet, and it has a भेड़िया on it!
Bella: -Sneeze- I see –sneeze- that आप –sneeze- are –sneeze- cheerful. –sneeze-
Jacob: Do आप have allergies?
Bella: Huh. Maybe. When I was younger I was tested positive for animals, like do—oh.
Jacob: Well, uh, I guess I should go. But first, isn’t there something आप have to tell me?
Jacob: Yes there is! आप are supposed to tell me that you’ve got lots of newborn वैंपायर coming after you!
Bella: Er… okay… I’ve got lots of newborn वैंपायर coming after me.
Jacob: -gasp- how did I not know about this?!
Bella: That party was so gay.
Edward: I know. But hey, at least there were chips.
Bella: आप don’t even eat chips, though.
Edward: That’s what आप think.
Jasper: Ahem. Anyways, since I’ve got into a bunch of चाकू fights before, I have the most experience fighting than आप lame नितंब, गधा pacifists. So, I’ll teach आप guys how to चाकू our opponents.
Edward: But they’re vampires. The blade would fall off before they could get cut.
Jasper: GOD! आप JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND ME! -sobs-
Alice: Fine. दिखाना us how to go all second-hand ईमो on them.
Jasper: Fine, I will. –Flips now black side bangs-
-In Bella’s room-
Edward: हे Bella? Will आप marry me?
Bella: Hmm… If I do, can I steal your virginity?
Bella: Sweet. Then yes. Smart deal, Bella. Just how do आप do it?
Edward: Well, usually it starts द्वारा the removal of shirts and—
Bella: That’s not what I meant!
Edward: Sure its not.
Edward: Ugh. I’m so bored. Jasper is over there trying to find new directions to cut his wrists, Rosalie and Emmett are making out, Carlisle is talking to himself about cancer… again…, Esme is trying to find yet another way to pronounce her name, Alice is trying to buy Target, and No one is still trying to convince Jacob that No one is a worse name than Anybody. What should WE do?
Bella: I dunno. Let’s try and see how long it takes for me to pass out द्वारा banging my head against your rock hard abs.
Edward: Alright. Three… two… one… and go!
-Five मिनटों later-
Bella: -wakes up- How long did it take?
Edward: I counted about thirty-six seconds.
Bella: It’s a new record!
Edward: या at least better than last time with that whopping eight seconds.
Bella: I think everyone is done now. Let’s go back!
Edward: It doesn’t look done yet. See? Alice is really close to a bargain!
Bella: And look at Jasper crying those frustrated sobs because the knives keep breaking on his skin! What a pansy.
Edward: I know. The Pacific Ocean has less water than his eyes are pouring out! You’re right. He is a pansy.
Bella: आप can almost see the salt.
Edward: -nods solemnly-
Bella: But seriously, I wanna go home.
Edward: Fine. But only because I’m knee high in Jasper’s non-producible tears.
-During the fight-
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you. I’m in प्यार with Jacob.
Bella: I dunno. Maybe it’s the way he can stuff all those burritos in his mouth so quickly. And the way he explodes into a giant animal just makes my दिल flutter.
Edward: That’s understandable. I mean, if I, आप know, ‘rolled that way’, I’d feel the same way.
Bella: Thanks. Can आप give us a minute?
Edward: Okay, I’ll even get him for you. Anything for alone time with him.
Jacob: हे Bella. So I’m planning a suicide mission tonight at the fight.
Bella: No! आप have so much to live for!
Jacob: Like what?
Bella: Er… um… pancakes! आप make Aunt Jemima proud to be your syrup. And also, what about those पूर्व .5 percent of readers that like you?
Jacob: आप need to किस me so I can believe it.
Bella: That sounds reasonable enough. Pucker up, pretty boy.
Jacob: Come on. We all know Edward’s the pretty boy. I mean, have आप seen those muscles? Mmm…
Bella: No. I haven’t seen those muscles. He’s a prude, remember? How did आप see those muscles? Wait, are आप gay?
Jacob: What? N-n-no! of… of course not! I just… I just think he’s mildly attractive, is all…
Bella: Huh. He कहा the same thing about you.
Jacob: -squeals- really?
Bella: No. But he says if he was gay he’d have the hots for you. Let’s make out.
Jacob: On it.
-5 मिनटों later-
Bella: That was interesting.
Jacob: I know. Who knew pencils could be used like that?
Bella: Yep. I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyways, you’re a good kisser.
Jacob: -smiles smugly- I know.
Bella: How would आप know? Before me, you’ve never even held hands with a girl.
Jacob: I’ve held hands before!
Bella: I कहा never held hands with a GIRL.
Bella: Oh shit! I made out with you! GUILT! GUILT! SHAME!
Jacob: I think now would be a good time for आप to team up with Jasper.
Bella: Nah. I’ll just use reverse psychology to make Edward feel guilty.
Jacob: Works for me.
Bella: Oh, Edward! I—
Edward: That’s what she said.
Edward: That’s what she said. आप know that joke, right?
Bella: Err… okay. Ahem. As I was saying. Oh, Edward! I made out with another man! I’m a horrible person!
Edward: Yes, yes आप are.
Bella: Yes I— wait, what? आप agree with me?
Bella: No! You’re supposed to disagree! Go alone with the plot!
Edward: Oh… sorry. –clears throat- No you’re not, Bella!
Bella: I’m not?
Edward: Uh, no! Just because आप are in प्यार with another man while आप are engaged to me, I don’t see anything wrong with that picture!
Bella: Thanks, Edward! I knew you’d understand.
Edward: Don’t I always? I mean, I AM perfect.
Bella: I know आप are. That’s why it’s weird that I’m in प्यार with Jacob.
Edward: True dat.
Bella: Do आप hear that?
Edward: Yeah! Victoria’s here! Gasp!
Bella: Go kill her, Eddie!
Edward: Kay! –Rips Victoria’s head off- done. That was easy.
Bella: To YOU, maybe.
Edward: Yep, because आप are a stupid and wimpy human.
Edward: Oh, and द्वारा the way, Jacob just broke half his bones.
Bella: -Passes out-
-Five मिनटों later-
Bella: -Wakes up-
Edward: What happened? Did आप pass out because hearing that information was painful?
Bella: Ugh, no, I think I was hit in the back of the head with a frying pan या something.
No one: -Grins sheepishly-
Bella: Now do आप understand why we all hate you?
-At Cullen house-
Alice: हे Bella, check out this pimpin’ wedding dress!
Bella: That’s hot.
Edward: That’s what she said!
Alice and Bella: …
Edward: This is gay. I’m going to the meadow.
Bella: Wait for me!
Bella: Wow. This is a lot less meaningful than I thought it would be.
Edward: I know. They don’t even have any soda machines here! Just trees. And grass.
Bella: Damn you, nature…
Edward: Exactly. We finally agree on something. Which makes me want to give up and do it with you, and then force आप into eternal damnation.
Bella: No wait, I—
Edward: -Tries to rape Bella-
Bella: STOP! I have matches AND a lighter! Get the fuck off me! Besides, I have AIDs.
Edward: God, fine, I’ll stop, but only because of the whole STDs thing.
Bella: I wanna keep my virtue.
Edward: Doesn’t that kind of ruin the point of the whole raping thing?
Bella: I guess. But I don’t think आप want to lose your virginity to plain old me.
Edward: No, I’M not good enough for YOU! Woe is me…
Bella: Save it for Jasper. He’d appreciate your impersonation.
Edward: So we’re NOT going to have sex?
Bella: Let’s try something equally as dangerous. Telling Charlie!
Edward: Good luck staying out of his line of bullet fire! Muahaha!