I believe that I have what's called Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). It can be difficult to spot, considering how one's behavior and afflictions in response to the traumatizing experience can vary. It's been so long, but it really has hindered my life, even now. I guess my biggest regret is being stupid, and trying to fix everything within me on my own and thinking that I could solve it all alone out of fear of burdening others with my problems and also out of shame. Then it just became this habit engraved into my head, even now I have a lot of issues with asking anyone for any kind of help with anything. To everyone out there, please, for future reference if आप go through any kind of hard times या experience any mental trauma, don't wait, get help IMMEDIATELY, talk to a therapist IMMEDIATELY. It's nothing to be ashamed of and asking others for help is NOT a sign of weakness.
I don't know how to really cope with anything. I never was taught how, so whenever something traumatizing या emotion afflicting happens I just...I don't know, become stiff to things I guess. That's the only way I can really explain it. लेखन helps to a certain degree, but I confuse my emotions just as much as they confuse me, so...there's that.
Two years पूर्व I had an anxiety attack, thought that I couldn't breathe and called 911. They were nice about it and thankfully there wasn't a fee. I'm better at recognizing panic attacks now, so that's good.
I recently got appointed to the campus Behavioral Health Center for a reprimand. I go in, take the introductory assessment thingy so they know a bit about me before our first appointment, and once I'm in she sits me down and shows me her computer; I've scored high in all concerning areas except substance abuse. I was at least 80 and above in my rating for all of them, and my highest score was in Trauma-Related stress या something like that (They're not diagnostic assessments, so it couldn't say PTSD या any related syndromes.)
I kinda freaked out over it afterwards, as that didn't happen to my two फ्रेंड्स who have the same school therapist, and because we only have like two weeks left of the semester and I'm seeing her like once every two weeks since they're packed full of students. She gave me a referral for summer counseling, though. Folks, trust me, it's never too late to seek help.
From June to Mid-November (though it was starting to taper off in November) everything was a total shit show. It started with car & money problems and just snowballed into a full blown depression. It was bad like so many awful things kept happening with no breaks in between and very few good things to make up for the bad. It was just so much stuff from family issues to health stuff. I won't get into details about what caused it but I had my first huge fight with my dad in years. From when I was in elementary to high school my dad struggled with bipolar and my mom and I would always be on the receiving end of his lows. So I had a dreadful relationship with him until he finally found a working treatment. After that we hadn't truly gone all out until last year. He ended up calling me selfish and telling me that my stories/writing were useless and I ended up straight up moving in with a friend. I used to go to the pool to cope (since it was summer) but due to financial reasons my family was banned from it, which did not help. Naturally I go to the internet to cope and... I'll just insert an old टिप्पणी दे here; [i]"I think I'm headed for some kind of break down honestly. I hope आप don't mind some venting.
I'm going through quite a bit IRL so I go on tumblr to have an Azula week which I literally worked for months to plan and was stoked for it. I was very optimistic and felt as thought it would cheer me up. Everything goes well until the end when some futa loving wild feminist starts a ship war. She started telling people to die in ditches and bashed everyone's work if it featured a man. When I blocked her she got her फ्रेंड्स to go after me. And the TyZula fandom made me feel like shit for trying to organize something fun. I used to like TyZula it was my अवतार OTP now I can't stand it because the fandom is total trash. I ended up deciding to leave tumble for a bit. Best part the TyZula प्रशंसकों were getting on me because 'there was too much Sokkla and it made us feel unwelcomed." Like I'm so confused; how tf are आप expecting there to be any TyZula stuff if आप don't participate. Literally nowhere did anyone indicate that TyZula trash wasn't welcomed. In fact I wrote two TyZula fics myself. Only 2 (maybe 3) of the 7 days did I post Sokkla; that's not even half. Worst part is; the Azula fandom used to be my happy place I would go there because I प्यार pretty much everyone there until this one कुतिया, मतलबी and her posee showed up. I used to boast about how mature and respectful the अवतार fandom was. Guess I didn't knock on enough wood.
So I take my break from tumblr and decide to just chill on here because it's not a hell site. But naturally (just an घंटा पूर्व mind you) I get this chick on my दीवार accusing me of being a creep because we have a lot of क्लब्स in common and she got an ई मेल alert about टिप्पणियाँ on her मतदानो या something. Like everything is just my fault. I can't even.
Well one of things I deal with and well it's not as worst as it use to be thank goodness. ...but I deal with anxiety often. It's not easy to control I tend to start shake a lot if I get on a ride(even though am not scared of them), दिल raises fast a lot easy when something scares me out of no where, and just in general get anxiety if I get over excited या put of my comfort zone, like for example if I have to give a speech in front of the whole school can get really bad. When I mean it's not as worst I mean I haven't been getting that anxious lately but still time to time. It is really hard dealing with anxiety especially when people in your life can't understand what it's like and they misunderstand you.
I have infantile autism and bipolar depression. Then I also have ADHD. People I live with have autism, short attention span, etc.
I don't know if these are mental issues, but I have a hard time trusting people, and I don't like to ask for stuff. Then I have some sort of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
Edit: I occasionally have suicidal thoughts, and I'm quick to snap if someone I don't know, या I hate, messes with me even the slightest of offences. Then I'm a caffeine addict. And I've been coddled my entire life.
Well, working at Goodwill certainly put a lot of strain on my mental health. That, and the fact that I'm STILL living with my aunt. She's s STILL babysitting my cousin's baby, along with someone else's baby. And I'm honestly beyond done with it. I'm done with my aunt and her narcissistic attitude. I say "narcissistic" because I personally think she acts like one. She does shit that pisses me off, she acts like nothing I say is of any value. Like, when I try to make a point about something we're arguing over या some shit, she downplays it like what I say isn't worth considering या acknowledging. Like, no matter what the fuck I tell her, she's right and I'm wrong.
I get angry because of this, and she labels me "rude" and acts like I'm attacking her and shit. It all kinda goes back to when I told her about the crossedressing thing. Even to this day, she treats me like I've committed a crime against nature every time I bring it up. Ever since I explored different देखा गया and no longer consider myself a Christian, all we've done is argue over shit. She hasn't actually flat-out asked me yet why I'm behaving so differently, but I think she's starting to put 2 and 2 together. I haven't told her yet, either. My shift in viewpoints has caused so many arguments, it's not even funny.
But enough about her, I'm also ready to हटाइए the fuck out of my current home. I'm tired of not only living with my aunt, but also my older cousin and her daughter. Like, I'm so done with this and ready to start somewhere new. I'm honestly just done with a lot of things, and I want things to change... for the better.
That's why I quite my job at Goodwill. I couldn't take it anymore. And doing so has taken a lot of stress out of my life, but not completely. Until I finally get my own place, I'm still stuck with my aunt. Living with her has driven me to suicidal thoughts and feelings. In fact, I once attempted to kill myself vie sleeping pill overdose. That was 2 years ago.
It's honestly a wonder how I haven't gone insane yet. And having certain Autistic tendencies doesn't help at all. I have SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder), and because of this, there are certain sound waves that irritate the piss out of me. And unfortunately, the most painful sound is my aunts' voice. I legit cannot stand to hear that कुतिया, मतलबी speak, OMG. Her voice is loud, and sharp-sounding and it literally causes pain to my ears. I've literally cried so many times over this, and it never ends. Everyday, I'm forced to put up with her voice.... and basically her in general. Thankfully, I have ways of blocker her नितंब, गधा out.
I'm beyond ready to get out of this house, there's virtually nothing keeping me here anymore. Both my beloved pets and Mother are gone, and I just need to हटाइए on. I don't wanna be stuck here all my life. Fortunately, I may not have long to wait. I'm getting closer and closer to gaining my freedom from my aunt. And trust me, I'm so ready for it.
Wanna start द्वारा saying that my hardships pale in comparison to others on here and I feel terrible for the people that have suffered invisible illnesses like depression या suicidal ideation. I wish आप all the best in recovery and hope that society improves its attitude towards such life-affecting conditions - we've improved in the last decade, but there's still much progress to be made and hopefully we'll see that going into the future.
As for me: actual anxiety and I'm talking on-the-floor breakdowns over stupid shit like essays lol.
Also dropped from 60 kg (132 lbs) to 42 kg (92 lbs) in the अंतरिक्ष of about six months last साल and I'm not saying it was an ED but look I was pretty obsessive. Do not recommend. Take it slow peeps. Ruins your physical health, affects your relationships, destroys आप perspective on खाना forevermore and you're not even happy/satisfied with being smaller. DO NOT RECOMMEND.