Jason’s blog posted
on December 13th, 2010
At 9:45 PM
______________________
3542 miles so far and not once have I had to buy water. I know everyone who reads this blog uses a reusable water bottle – and I thank आप for hooking up your फ्रेंड्स and family this holiday season.
Every time I refueled I would carry my water bottle and hot mug into the gas station and get clean cold water from the soda फव्वारा (usually a little button under the lemonade) and hot water from the coffee machine. (Starbucks also gives free hot and cold filtered water.) Carrying my own चाय also made my travels super enjoyable, inexpensive, and healthy.
The trouble with a water bottle is that I end up drinking a lot और water which means I have to pee और often, which sucks when you’re in the middle of nowhere या stuck in traffic.
The worst need-to-pee experience I ever had occurred 10 years पूर्व while driving from San Diego to Los Angeles to deliver some birds to a friend. I was familiar enough with these birds to be entrusted with them AND was दिया permission to let them fly freely around the car during the drive. They loved the back window. Maybe it’s cause birds can’t fly backwards.
Anyway, I began my journey with a supersized cup of soda. I think every I-almost-peed-my-pants-story begins with 64 ounces of something. Mine was Mr Pibb, which is only 2 degrees of separation from Mr. Piss. I didn’t think about that when I ordered it.
Navigating the 5 in downtown LA at rush घंटा is like trying to leave a Dave Matthews संगीत कार्यक्रम after the encore. आप ain’t going anywhere for a while. I thought I could hold it until I got to the Valley, only a few और miles, but the super size was doing a number on my bladder. The Number 1.
I pull off at the union station exit and there is nothing around. I wasn’t smart enough to consider the train station. I was in a hurry. My brain was flooding with urine and all I could think of was “find a पेड़ या a gas station!”
It took me FOREVER* to get into the tiny station at the treeless intersection. (*Yes Forever! I’m still there now.) Cars were everywhere. It was THE घंटा for everybody to get-out of downtown and they were. Slowly.
Getting out of the car wasn’t easy for two reasons: Pee-Pee and the birds going crazy because the car had stopped moving. Usually I put the birds back in their cage but I was running out of time and breath.
I चालक आदमी, वीज़ल, नेवला out.
I ask the attendant “where’s your bathroom?!?
He deadpans, “Don’t have one. Try across the street.”
He points at a subway सैंडविच shop.
I पार करना, क्रॉस the traffic without even looking. If I get hit, then it will justify peeing my pants. I’m good.
I enter Subway and shout at the guy behind the counter wearing saran-wrap gloves. Jared isn’t there. “Do आप have a bathroom?!”
“Don’t have one.” He deadpans.
Now I’m certain the piss is filling my lungs. I’m drowning. Everything hurts.
“Where do आप go to the bathroom?” I ask.
“I dunno. Try the gas station.” He mutters; apparently a robot and/or is on a catheter.
I scramble back to my car as if to drive to another location. “Shoo-Birds!”
But I have nowhere to go. Even backing out of my parking spot is impossible. LA at 4:30 in the afternoon is a car lot. I’m not going to make it. I glance at my supersize cup and shame it. And then it hits me. That which giveth, can also taketh away. Maybe that was in the bible. It should be. Maybe they can add it.
Right there in the parking lot of the gas station, I lean over and unload into the empty supersize cup in the INCREDIBLY convenient cup holder. Now the birds are REALLY going nuts, probably because they can smell mine.
I pee for at least 6 minutes. On the radio, two songs play out in their entirety. One of them is Free Bird. And as if I’ve absorbed nothing off the Mr.Pibb, I fill the supersize cup to the tippy-top. If there had been ice in the cup, I would’ve had to finish the job in my hat.
Ahh. Relief!!!!!!!!!!
But now what?!
Now I gotta get this steaming hot supersize cup of pee out of my low riding, two door MRAZDA MX6 without spilling it. The birds have decided to sit on the dash to watch and I have to shoo them back to the back. Movement is limited now. The reservoir is at tipping point and the waxy cup is looking a little flimsy now that it’s full of hot acidic non-beverage.
Like David Blaine, I manage to get out. I take the Vente cup of Hot Me and set it on the window ledge अगला to the gas station attendant’s drawer. It looks like Mountain Dew and I leave it at that. Hopefully I didn’t piss anybody off. Pun intended.
The End.
I no longer drink Mr Pibb, but I do consume lots of liquid. If I had to, I’d use my water bottle. Something I always thought clever about those water bottles is the handy little loop on the cap, perfect for when I do make it to an actual men's room.
Come correct y’all.
Thanks for reading.
on December 13th, 2010
At 9:45 PM
______________________
3542 miles so far and not once have I had to buy water. I know everyone who reads this blog uses a reusable water bottle – and I thank आप for hooking up your फ्रेंड्स and family this holiday season.
Every time I refueled I would carry my water bottle and hot mug into the gas station and get clean cold water from the soda फव्वारा (usually a little button under the lemonade) and hot water from the coffee machine. (Starbucks also gives free hot and cold filtered water.) Carrying my own चाय also made my travels super enjoyable, inexpensive, and healthy.
The trouble with a water bottle is that I end up drinking a lot और water which means I have to pee और often, which sucks when you’re in the middle of nowhere या stuck in traffic.
The worst need-to-pee experience I ever had occurred 10 years पूर्व while driving from San Diego to Los Angeles to deliver some birds to a friend. I was familiar enough with these birds to be entrusted with them AND was दिया permission to let them fly freely around the car during the drive. They loved the back window. Maybe it’s cause birds can’t fly backwards.
Anyway, I began my journey with a supersized cup of soda. I think every I-almost-peed-my-pants-story begins with 64 ounces of something. Mine was Mr Pibb, which is only 2 degrees of separation from Mr. Piss. I didn’t think about that when I ordered it.
Navigating the 5 in downtown LA at rush घंटा is like trying to leave a Dave Matthews संगीत कार्यक्रम after the encore. आप ain’t going anywhere for a while. I thought I could hold it until I got to the Valley, only a few और miles, but the super size was doing a number on my bladder. The Number 1.
I pull off at the union station exit and there is nothing around. I wasn’t smart enough to consider the train station. I was in a hurry. My brain was flooding with urine and all I could think of was “find a पेड़ या a gas station!”
It took me FOREVER* to get into the tiny station at the treeless intersection. (*Yes Forever! I’m still there now.) Cars were everywhere. It was THE घंटा for everybody to get-out of downtown and they were. Slowly.
Getting out of the car wasn’t easy for two reasons: Pee-Pee and the birds going crazy because the car had stopped moving. Usually I put the birds back in their cage but I was running out of time and breath.
I चालक आदमी, वीज़ल, नेवला out.
I ask the attendant “where’s your bathroom?!?
He deadpans, “Don’t have one. Try across the street.”
He points at a subway सैंडविच shop.
I पार करना, क्रॉस the traffic without even looking. If I get hit, then it will justify peeing my pants. I’m good.
I enter Subway and shout at the guy behind the counter wearing saran-wrap gloves. Jared isn’t there. “Do आप have a bathroom?!”
“Don’t have one.” He deadpans.
Now I’m certain the piss is filling my lungs. I’m drowning. Everything hurts.
“Where do आप go to the bathroom?” I ask.
“I dunno. Try the gas station.” He mutters; apparently a robot and/or is on a catheter.
I scramble back to my car as if to drive to another location. “Shoo-Birds!”
But I have nowhere to go. Even backing out of my parking spot is impossible. LA at 4:30 in the afternoon is a car lot. I’m not going to make it. I glance at my supersize cup and shame it. And then it hits me. That which giveth, can also taketh away. Maybe that was in the bible. It should be. Maybe they can add it.
Right there in the parking lot of the gas station, I lean over and unload into the empty supersize cup in the INCREDIBLY convenient cup holder. Now the birds are REALLY going nuts, probably because they can smell mine.
I pee for at least 6 minutes. On the radio, two songs play out in their entirety. One of them is Free Bird. And as if I’ve absorbed nothing off the Mr.Pibb, I fill the supersize cup to the tippy-top. If there had been ice in the cup, I would’ve had to finish the job in my hat.
Ahh. Relief!!!!!!!!!!
But now what?!
Now I gotta get this steaming hot supersize cup of pee out of my low riding, two door MRAZDA MX6 without spilling it. The birds have decided to sit on the dash to watch and I have to shoo them back to the back. Movement is limited now. The reservoir is at tipping point and the waxy cup is looking a little flimsy now that it’s full of hot acidic non-beverage.
Like David Blaine, I manage to get out. I take the Vente cup of Hot Me and set it on the window ledge अगला to the gas station attendant’s drawer. It looks like Mountain Dew and I leave it at that. Hopefully I didn’t piss anybody off. Pun intended.
The End.
I no longer drink Mr Pibb, but I do consume lots of liquid. If I had to, I’d use my water bottle. Something I always thought clever about those water bottles is the handy little loop on the cap, perfect for when I do make it to an actual men's room.
Come correct y’all.
Thanks for reading.