December 31st - A uniting that could only evolve into a separation
"I can't do this anymore." Lucas started out softly. He walked out and into the living room with an unfamiliar book in his hand. He grasped it tightly as he walked in.
"This being," Cuddy asked as she set Rachel on the सोफ़ा, सोफे and off her lap.
"Us," he started, and he suddenly tossed the book onto the table. Cuddy jerked in surprise as she gawked at him.
"Are--are आप saying we--where the hell did आप get this?"
"I was searching around for old pictures of you. Was going to make an album--you know, get आप one gift from me for the holidays and in the act of looking, I found this in your blue shoe box." She closed her eyes, due to the feeling that he had looked through and stumbled upon a certain page. From almost twenty years ago.
"Open to your last entry--"
"and read it aloud."
"I--we were young. It was years ago."
"Please." he pleaded, looking her straight in the eye. She closed hers and swallowed as she flipped to the end of the journal. She was about to cry; आप could hear the uneasiness in her voice, a painful thing to hide.
"'He's gone. Just like I thought he would be. It's just. Just a little disappointing. I...thought he was different, and maybe he was. But I wouldn't get to see the rest. He graduated last night and that itself was the only strings keeping him tied and I'm not sure if this relationship is enough to get him to stay close.
I'm still not sure if last night meant something to me--I pose the सवाल in his direction also, But--'..Luke."
"Read the last lines.."
"Cuddy." It was the first time he had called her that in the longest time.
"'But I know something happened there and it's not something to let go of lightly. प्यार is possibly incorporated here, if so in the worst way possible, and I'm hoping someone will hear me when I ask for this to be a requited kind of love.'" she teared as she viewed her words and promises of years ago, reliving what she had felt, most importantly, towards House.
"So, what are आप saying? What are आप trying to..explain with all this?"
"I'm tired babe."
"Of what?" she asked in shock.
"Being सेकंड best."
"How and when have आप ever been treated as सेकंड best?" she asked with concern. The tension was so great, it seemed they were far apart within the room, when in reality, Cuddy was merely on the सोफ़ा, सोफे and Lucas standing in the archway; as if he couldn't be around her.
"Luke. आप know I प्यार you."
"Except it's not enough. I didn't chase you. I never had to. आप just...came to me."
"And what's wrong with that?"
"Someone else...still is, and आप admire him and प्यार him for that." Cuddy began to let the tears fall a little harder. Her emotions were on the rise. Right now, she wasn't sure if it was due to hormones that came out of no where, या the words slipping out of his mouth...she had a feeling, however.
"That's the point. He's out there...trying to fight back, trying to push आगे to get to you. But everything is in his way. What work have I done to get you? Things aren't and should never be this easy. I'm not saying he deserves you--which he is fully aware of--but he loses his breath trying. He's running to keep up with you."
"You get all of this from पढ़ना one entry from a diary of two decades ago?"
"It's history. History, reminds us of the past and what was there. आप cannot and should never erase it. It's essential to the outcome of the future."
"History also can be a warning. To remind us of our mistakes, our errors in our thinking and our logic. Poor decisions and choices that we made, allowing us to be aware of them and to not let them occur again." she paused to catch her breath.
"Listen to me. I--I thought before that I needed him. I don't."
"He may not be the man that आप need. For right now, even ever. But आप do need him. और importantly he needs you. Which is why he's not stopping या bothering to catch that breath because he's afraid if he does, he'll lose you."
"Why are आप comparing yourself to him?"
"You wrote it, that's how आप felt!"
"Felt. Not feel. Past tense."
"Feelings cannot be shut off that easily. Yes, आप never say things like how आप talked in your journal but it doesn't mean they're not there. I can see that there are still certain things आप both have attached. And they say that आप प्यार him. आप two have that history we talked about. Who am I to stand in the way of that?" he paced around, scratching his chin waiting between the painful pauses.
"I. I don't want him."
"Stop lying to yourself, Lise. The truth isn't going to go away if आप ask it to. आप can't hide it and आप can't avoid it. He's trying to get to you."
"I know! I know. I've been in the same situation before."
"But that's the point, Luke, I don't want to be!" she was losing herself. A sense of vulnerability began to show. She realized this, so she sucked everything in, stifling sobs and crying dry tears.
"I don't want आप to lie to me. Stop protecting me, I don't need it. I just--I'm trying to cut out some honesty here." she sighed, and mustered up the courage and sanity within her to say her हाल का feelings.
"There's...There's always been, आप know. Something there. I'm not going to look आप in the eye and lie to आप that I never loved him, and that I possibly still don't. I'm sure आप can see that from what आप read. He's changing. Honestly it hurts to see how hard he's working for this. But--if I gave into him...things would remain as a one way सड़क, स्ट्रीट somehow....I don't. I don't need that."
"He's been, और noble than आप know."
"I don't want to put myself in the same damn situation I've been in for the past years of my life. I'm tired, Luke. I, Love, you, and you, asked me to marry you, not House!"
"I still do! God आप have no idea how much I still do! आप even कहा so yourself no."
"Because it was House!"
"But if I really प्यार you, I know to be smart and give आप up. I'd rather आप leave me now, than be half mine when later strolled around. I'm sorry, I'm selfish, I can admit that; if I'm going to have आप I want all of you. For myself."
"Lucas!" she hissed.
"I don't know who makes आप happier. Frankly that doesn't matter. प्यार isn't happiness trapped up in a bottle like we all would like to think. It can consist of it, but the foundation...A friendship? Trust? Not only with each other, but with the others' life? Someone who will be protecting आप with या without an umbrella when the rain comes. सेकंड best doesn't do that, and that's the only thing I can trust myself as, because I see it in your eyes that when आप look at me--I don't know. However, there are some people just...for each other and आप know it's right because आप feel it. It doesn't have to be destiny, it's just how आप are around each other. Nothing else ever seems to matter." she had heard something like that before...but this time it wasn't someone looking on the outside.
"So, if there's a दिल before mine. Well, you're obviously not mine to have. I can accept that, will you?" Cuddy was slowly breaking down. She shook her head no and he waited, seeing if another answer could spill from her mouth. Disappointed, he breathed again.
"Then I have to go." he कहा with a swallow.
Her breath slowed as these words slipped from his mouth, and with a quick peck to the cheek to both herself and Rachel, accompanied द्वारा a fleeting exit that left the house empty, he was gone; she broke down completely.
New Years Eve - Hating आप has been Wine, sometimes sweet, sometimes bitter; Loving आप has been Heroin: addictive, painful and threatening
House and Wilson were laughing hysterically as they filled each others glasses up to the rim in champagne. It was exactly half an घंटा before twelve while they were already और drunk than they had planned to be, seeing the half empty bottles of gin, scotch and whiskey along the table. The champagne, would merely finish things off. Suddenly, a loud knock sounded on the door scaring the both of them.
"Dear God. Alright if we somehow ordered another pizza, just slam the door on him." Wilson slurred. House staggered as he walked towards the door to unveil an upset Cuddy with Rachel asleep in her arms. Even wasted he could distinguish this particular face.
"Really ba-a-a-a-d-d-d-d timing आप have."
"Cuddy," Wilson began from the couch. "is this a deja vu? didn't we do this already?" She rolled her eyes.
"Yes. We're doing it over because it works better when you're both drunk." she hissed as she pushed her way in and surveyed the damage done.
"Sober up. Make coffee, douse yourself with cold water I don't care. I'm going to lash out at आप while coherent."
"With baby?" he asked slowly. She just stared.
"The room," he spoke as he turned and walked into the kitchen. Cuddy stepped carefully down the hallway, and creaked open the door to reveal House's bed. She turned on the side lamp and set Rachel under the covers, surrounding her sides with pillows to prevent her from falling. After she was sure she was deep asleep, she closed the door to an inch, and walked back out.
"How did he wrong आप now?" Wilson struggled as he sat up on the couch. House fixed his eyes on her as he waited for the coffee with a cold, wet face.
"He gave Lucas my college journal." House turned around from the kitchen.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about--"
"Light blue and black with manila pages. What about it." he responded surprisingly stern.
"You put it in my blue box and Lucas found it."
"I haven't seen that thing since graduation."
"You know I left it to आप purposely. I wanted आप to read it--"
"I never did. It was yours, your personal thoughts, quotes, poems, dreams, and whatever else was in there. Diaries are only interesting if आप don't know the people. If आप know them, they're just redundant."
"You indirectly gave it to him to mess with his head!"
"No he didn't." Wilson spoke meekly. They both turned to him.
"I think--I think I may have slipped that back to you?" he spoke with doubt.
"Did you read it?" she asked.
"Again, I think, seeing as I'm not totally in a state of mind, yes?"
"and आप gave it back. then Lucas found it. Oh God."
"That's good enough," House muttered to himself as he took out the coffee pot. He just poured the coffee straight out, and gulped it. It appeared to have fried his tongue but he didn't care, he was still so wasted.
"So, you're here to lash out at who now?" he asked almost in a cocky tone. She threw a death glare as she removed her shoes and कोट before walking over towards Wilson on the couch. House carefully joined on the recliner adjacent to them.
"Stop pretending to be angry." House spoke without staring at her.
"You're glad आप two are over. आप miss this."
"I...right. Because I'm all a-filled with joy right now after an घंटा prior to coming here, I cried with tears of joy. Of course. There's no other possible explanation."
"You allowed it to happen."
"First, if आप didn't want the diary it's called gar-bage. Second, आप could've gone after him. आप could've fought with him और to prove his assumptions faulty, rather than coming over here to just get angry at me, and now Wilson. आप want and need reasons to be around me. However, आप actually got hurt this time. I apologize, for that."
"And to think I felt guilty." she spoke staring at the TV.
"Why would you, either way it was mine या that one's fault--"
"I meant--towards you." Wilson got up off the सोफ़ा, सोफे and started walking towards the hallway.
"Too awkward?" House called out.
"Shower to sober up! You'd think the awkwardness would bother me, but since I'm, now, well..." his voice faded as he walked into the bathroom and shut the door, turning on the light and exhaust fan. Besides the noises of the bathroom and the television, there was a strong silence between them. After five long and painful minutes, House broke the silence.
"If he was prepared to let someone else stand in the way of आप two, he didn't really प्यार you."
"He sacrificed me, for apparently us, because he loved me that much."
"There was no great sacrifice. He was just scared. He knew that he could never completely have you, I admire him for being aware of it, however, knowing that scared him into thinking he has a fair chance of losing you. He broke it out of fear, not out of प्यार या a great sacrifice."
"He knew he had a good chance of losing me, because he knew I could be happy somewhere else. He wouldn't be happy if he knew I wasn't completely happy with him."
"Of course he'd like to tell himself that."
"You mean you'd like to tell yourself that? Is this situation और similar या different to five years पूर्व with you?"
"She was married. That was sacrifice."
"Both regardless, are the same. आप both made sacrifices."
"I made A sacrifice. Singular--"
"--So this is double standards?" she replied fast. He began to regret ever starting the conversation up again, but he also stopped himself from arguing with her. Suddenly, Rachel started to make a loud fuss within his bedroom. They both stood up with immediate alarm and began to walk toward the room. She was just waking up again.
Both of them went on opposing sides and sat on the edges of the bed. Cuddy consoled Rachel began to pet her head, brushing her brown hair back. House then began to hum a nice melody. He had closed his eyes as he लॉस्ट himself in the tune, and she just stared at him. As soon as he opened his eyes, he stopped, seeing as she was still watching him; he squinted his eyes and spoke low.
"You don't care if it is." he spoke slowly.
"I don't care if what is."
"You don't care if it's double standards--"
"--because they aren't, right? Is that where you're going?"
"You're here aren't you? You're arguing with me. You're fighting your दिल out to prove me wrong so आप can resist trying to किस me right now."
"If I really wanted to I would've done so already," she spoke before she turned off the light, and began to walk out of the room. House hesitated a little before following. Closing the door ever so slightly, he took slow steps out the door. द्वारा the time he was in the hall she had practically ran to the couch.
"I'm not going to be, sorry, for his loss--" he started, walking toward her. "If that's what you're waiting for." He crept up and just stood behind the sofa before going on his knees and resting his arms on its backing; He just looked at her sideways.
"I'm not, I mean..I can't resent you. You've done nothing wrong." she didn't look at him, but he knew the level of truth in her word.
"Even so..you're not absolving me from..everything."
"You want mercy from me," she asked turning to face him. "some form of absolution, is that what you're asking for?"
"No." he said, after a moments pause.
"Our kind, sure."
"Our kind," she laughed. "why not."
"11:51," he spoke, changing the conversation.
"you sure आप still want to spend this with me and nearly-pantless-man? Back out now."
"He'll be sober enough to know not to take them off once he's out."
"Right," he replied curtly as he stood up, making his way over onto the actual couch. As soon as he sat down, she bounced up and off, walking away.
House shut off the tv, in exchange for his stereo. Setting it on a station that was doing a countdown, he followed her in the kitchen.
Radio - "Alright everyone, we still got a couple मिनटों before the countdown so we're gonna play the last song in 2009 for those out there alone this new years eve.."
Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor, Reaching for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore; and I wonder if I ever पार करना, क्रॉस your mind, for me it happens all the time
"If you're going to leave, at least wait for a few और hours."
"And why would I do that."
"It's new years. Booze, plus men equals reckless driving. I'd think even आप could figure that out." She walked back out of the रसोई, रसोईघर and poured herself some liquor द्वारा the table. She thought to herself, she needed him now. But why was she so eager to push him away?
"The earlier to leave the better. I'm wasting good time even arguing." After swallowing the entire glass, she began to gather her belongings and as she did, he walked over and grabbed her द्वारा the arm.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door--Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way आप did before
Blue to gray they stood. Motionless, for a heartbeat, that seemed to last forever.
And I wonder if I ever पार करना, क्रॉस your mind, for me it happens all the time
"I don't need you," she lied. "I'll be fine." she attempted to retract. Squinting his eyes, he let go, as she quickly slipped on her shoes and went for Rachel. After a मिनट या so, she came out and slowly walked toward the door.
"Drive safe." he spoke practically empty. Nodding, she carefully opened the door and left. Walking out and down the hall, she thought to herself..."Come after me, आप idiot"
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need आप now, कहा I wouldn't call but I लॉस्ट all control and I need आप now, and I don't know how I can do without--I just need आप now.
As the clock in ticked sixty सेकंड्स before midnight, thirty सेकंड्स after she left, he jumped up and darted out the door. Determined to follow her.
However, द्वारा the time he made it out she was still, motionless within the car. Her hands gripped tightly on the steering wheel and her head rested at the top, she seemed to sob silently where no one could hear. Suddenly, the fireworks sounded, and exploded with color in the air--both alarmed they looked up before latching eyes like before, and they just stared as the fireworks were like comets, roaring across and lighting the sky.
Yes--I'd rather hurt than feel nothing, at all