561 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts.

1) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons.
2) Nor do their House colours suggest they are ‘covered in bees.’
3) No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I must not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
4) Growing Marijuana or Hallucinogenic Mushrooms is not an acceptable extra credit project for Herbology.
5) “I’ve heard every joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.
6) I will not go to class Skyclad.
7) The Giant Squid is not an acceptable date to the Yule Ball.
8) I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore!”
9) I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful!”
10) Polishing my wand in the Common Room is acceptable, “Polishing my wand” in the Common Room is not!
11) If a classmate falls asleep in class, I will not take advantage of the fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.
12) House Elves are not acceptable replacement Bludgers.
13) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against The Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, NOT a clever moneymaking scheme.
14) “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an appropriate suggestion for the class play.
15) Seamus Finnegan is not ’after me Lucky Charms’.
16) Nor does he have a pot of gold under his bed.
17) I will not refer to the Weasley or Patil twins as Bookends.
18) House Elf Stew is not on the menu, nor is Niffler curry so I should just stop asking.
19) It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that “once you go Black, you never go back.”
20) I will not bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination class.
21) I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
22) I will not refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium.”
23) I will not tell Ron & Hermione to “get a room” whenever they start arguing.
24) The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
25) I am not a Tribble Animagus.
26) I am allowed a rat, owl, toad or cat. I cannot have a Reticulated Python, Snow Leopard, Piranha or Tasmanian Devil.
27) I do not weigh the same as a duck.
28) Remus Lupin does not want a Flea Collar.
29) Skiving Snackboxes are not good presents for first years.
30) I will not lick Trevor.
31) I am not being repressed.
32) Calling Lucius Malfoy ‘Luscious Mouthful’ is disgusting and just plain gross.
33) I will not change the password to the Prefects Bathroom to ‘makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty.’
34) There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
35) I am not a Pinball Wizard.
36) Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.
37) I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
38) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
39) It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
40) Sir Cadogan is not one of the Knights who say NI.
41) I will not offer to prepare Tandoori Owl.
42) I will stop asking when we learn to make Love Potion Number Nine.
43) I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
44) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “what’s new pussycat?”
45) There is not now, nor ever has been, a fifth house. I am not a member or founder of such.
46) Especially not one called Sparklypoo.
47) I will not take out Life Insurance on Harry Potter.
48) I will not call the DADA teacher ‘Kenny,’ even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
49) I will not teach first years to sing “A wizard’s staff has a knob on the end.”
50) I will not give girls one half of a set of two way mirrors. Especially if I don’t tell her what it is.
51) I will not convince the house elves to unionise.
52) I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it “Voldie’s angels”
53) I will not go to fundamentalist websites and argue that Lord Voldemort is direct contradiction of the concept of Intelligent Design.
54) The muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to nor working for Voldemort in any way and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
55) There are Spoons! I am not to disappear, rename, transfigure or in any way alter the cutlery so that there are no spoons.
56) The Head Boy and Head Girl do not perform sexual favours.
57) I am not allowed to wear Death Eater robes to dinner and shout ”Long Live lord Voldemort” just because I think it’s funny.
58) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died & made him boss.
59) Attempting to create real Tribbles is expressly forbidden, even if it is for extra credit in Care of Magical Creatures.
60) Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort students into the house of Martok, or any other Klingon house is not permitted.
61) I should not suggest to Remus Lupin that “you and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals,” and we should “do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”
62) Announcing, “Remember, save a broomstick, ride a wizard!” is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
63) I am not to proclaim myself the new Dark Lord.
64) I am not to draw a smiley face on my arm and call it the new Dark Mark.
65) “You might be a pureblood if...” jokes will get me into trouble. Especially in front of Slytherins.
66) The condition of Snape’s hair has nothing to do with the muggle movie “Something about Mary.”
67) I should not ask Harry if he wants to talk to my ‘snake.’
68) Professor Snape is not the Metatron.
69) I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like “if your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?”
70) I will not teach the Veela the lyrics to “Oops, I did it again.” Even if they ask nicely.
71) Lucius Malfoy’s cane is not a “Pimp Cane” and I should stop asking if I can be his “ho”.
72) Stop asking Hannah Abbott if her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
73) I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads. Even if she is.
74) Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece onto a howler so I can listen to it may be a good idea in theory, but is not in practice.
75) I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
76) I will not refer to House Elves as “Self-Disciplining Submissives.”
77) If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for “playing with his Knuts.”
78) Singing “If I were a rich man” around the Weasleys is not nice.
79) I must not sell Umbridge’s quill to Emo students, especially if they are no good at poetry.
80) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
81) Kingsley Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me if I call him “my Nigga”
82) I deserved the extra punishment I got for singing “fat bottomed girls” to Madame Maxime.
83) “Beaters do it with Wood.” was not funny, even if the only ones not laughing were Oliver and the Twins.
84) I am under no circumstances to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
85) I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley and kiss each other passionately in the corridor.
86) I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.
87) Replying to every question that Lupin asks with “Are you fuckin’ Sirius?” is not funny, even the first time.
88) Asking Tonks to change into Marilyn Monroe or Jenna Jameson before sleeping with her is just plain cruel and evil.
89) I am not allowed to ask Flitwick where Snow White is.
90) Asking Flitwick if there is a charm to give you X-ray vision, or remove clothes is not permitted.
91) Mail order Dinosaurs do not make good birthday presents for Hagrid. No matter how good a discount you get on them.
92) I must stop charming Professor Snape’s robes bright purple. (or any other bright colour for that matter)
93) Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is not Yoda in disguise.
94) Telling first years about the time my friend got eaten by the Giant Squid is NOT appropriate. Ever.
95) I must not charm Firenze pink and call him ‘my little pony’.
96) Madam Pomfrey does not dispense condoms.
97) Do not ask Professor Sinistra to “show me Uranus.”
98) A good way to piss Hermione off: Write’ Hermione Granger was here’ on all the library books earning her a lifetime ban.
99) I am not to ask Hermione and Ginny if they know what ‘ménage a trois’ is. Nor am I to say Harry put me up to it.
100) I am not send Snape shampoo and toothpaste, no matter how much I think he needs it.
101) Naughty jokes concerning ‘Moaning’ Myrtle are only funny once.
102) Singing ‘Slytherins are sexier’ in Potions class will not get me extra marks.
103) Screaming ‘VOLDEMORT’ in crowded hallways is not in good taste.
104) Stealing Draco’s underwear and selling on E-Bay to horny fan girls is not ethical, nor profitable. ( note to self. Steal potters instead.)
105) I will not refer to Ron Weasley as that Red-Headed Twit in polite company. (Impolite company is just fine.)
106) The “I hate Snape club” is not a valid after-school activity.
107) Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. So is making Malfoy pay double for them.
108) I will not tell Grawp that ‘Hermy’ will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.
109) Potter 6, Voldemort 0, is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
110) Writing steamy love letters to Dumbledore signed; "Your Kitten," is not an ethical means of skipping Transfiguration class. (Though it is effective.)
111) I will not address the professor with a loud ‘Heil Umbridge’ and accompanying salute.
112) Having Colin and Dennis Creevey follow Potter all day is cruel and unusual punishment.
113) I will not sell pennies as priceless muggle collector coins.
114) I will not spread rumours about Draco’s deviant sexuality.
115) When called upon in class I will not automatically answer with ‘42’.
116) I am not allowed to bother Snape, and Dumbledore does not routinely have ‘Naked Time.’
117) I will not refer to the Accio charm as ‘The force.’
118) I will not add ‘according to the prophecy’ at the end of sentences to try and up my Divination mark.
119) I will not sing ‘Defying Gravity’ during Quidditch practice.
120) I will not ask Aragog how things are with his wife, Shelob.
121) I will not tell muggle born first years that Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans taste better when eaten by the handful.
122) I will not refer to DADA teachers as ‘canaries in the coal mine.’
123) I will not confess to crimes that happened before I was born, even though I have a Time-Turner.
124) “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career aspiration, even for a witch.
125) Providing Peeves with a case of Dungbombs was socially irresponsible and I will never do it again.
126) I will not call my wand ‘an elegant weapon for a more civilised age.’
127) I must not tell Nearly Headless Nick that he’d forget his head if it weren’t attached.
128) The four houses are not; The Morons, The Borons, The Smart-Arses and the Junior Death Eaters.
129) Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles marked ‘Firewhisky’. Charming the label does nothing.
130) The Headmasters name is Albus Dumbledore, not Gandalf.
131) I will not teach the House Elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
132) Yelling ‘to infinity and beyond’ when I take off on my broom was only funny once.
133) I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.
134) I will stop calling the Weasley twins Merry and Pippin. I must also not call Ron and Harry, Frodo and Sam. I probably shouldn’t call Malfoy, Legolas either.
135) Telling Malfoy to ‘make like a ferret and bounce,’ is always a bad idea.
136) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is purely coincidental. They do not have giant dragons that are secretly fed first years.
137) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogwarts, I will not point at the Dark Mark and say; To the Batmobile, Robin.
138) No matter how creepy the abandoned towers are I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.
139) I am not allowed to make eyes at Sirius. Lupin will kill me if I try anything.
140) I will not start a campaign to rid the world of mimes.
141) I am not the Phantom of Hogwarts, and I will not lure innocent girls into my lair, no matter how well I’ve furnished the Chamber of Secrets.
142) I am not to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, don a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.
143) I will not tickle a sleeping dragon to see what happens.
144) Remember: I am not allowed out of my dorm when Ministry Representatives are in the castle.
145) When interrogated by staff members, I will not wave my hand and say ‘these are not the droids you are looking for.’
146) I will not tell muggle born first years the forbidden forest is really Mirkwood.
147) I will not sweep the common room with Harry’s prized Firebolt.
148) First years are not toys, and I should not teach the Giant Squid to fetch them.
149) I will not scare First Years with tales of an Omniscient author who controls our destinies.
150) Ron Weasley is not the boy wonder and does not want to borrow your green tights.
151) Taking Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person you’re supposed to be and pretending to be a walking mirror or their long lost twin can make them go insane and is not a hilarious practical joke.
152) If I see a Dementor I must not hiss ‘Sssssshire...Bagginsss’.
153) Putting a snitch down Draco’s pants is not funny, no matter how long he runs around screaming like a girl.
154) Enchanting the brooms to hum the Sorcerer’s Apprentice is very, very annoying.
155) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I can assume I’m probably not allowed to try it.
156) Putting fake spiders in Ron’s bed is not funny, even when he tries jumping out the window.
157) Spiking the school’s pumpkin juice is not funny, no matter how much fun we all had that night.
158) I am not allowed to hum ‘my own personal spy music’ when I walk down the hallways.
159) I will not charm a potato to waltz down the aisles with me, especially not the produce aisle.
160) Remarking ‘That’s what your mum said last night’ to any thing anyone says is only marginally funny the first time, and never funny to Harry. No matter how hard Sirius is laughing.
161) Speaking like Yoda does not a happy Professor make. Funny it is not.
162) Moaning Myrtle is not the girl from ‘The Ring’ and I must not tell first years otherwise.
163) I will not replace Madam Pomfrey’s Skele-gro with Pumpkin juice. Nor will I replace Professor Snape’s Pumpkin juice with Skele-gro.
164) I will not swap Draco’s broom with one of Filch’s.
165) I am no longer allowed in the student laundry. Or the Teacher’s laundry.
166) I will not refer to the Hippogriff as ‘Horseybird’
167) I will not ask Professor Sprout where the jolly green giant is.
168) Next time I see Rita Skeeter I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
169) First years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
170) The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, pale, blond and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support,
171) I am not to conjure the words ‘DRINK ME’ onto the vials in Snape’s classroom.
172) I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the National Enquirer.
173) I will not borrow a prefect’s badge for Peeves.
174) Chemistry and Potions do not mix. Testing this is not wise.
175) I am not allowed to perform an Invisibility Charm ever again.
176) I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class. Even if I brought enough for everybody. And emptying a bag full of them onto Snape’s desk to prove this last is also not good.
177) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions.
178) Dumbledore is not Santa, and he does not want me to sit on his lap and demand presents, especially in the middle of June.
179) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
180) When given directive by my house prefect, I am not to reply, “We don’t need no stinking badges.”
181) Sending nine rings to senior staff members at Yuletide with the return address ‘Voldemort’ is not funny.
182) I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
183) Nor will I tell her I dreamt she defeated the Dark Lord.
184) If asked in class what Avada Kadavra does, yelling “IT DOES DEATH” may be the correct answer but is not the way in which I should reply.
185) I will not refer to Remus Lupin as a “nice doggy.” Nor Sirius Black.
186) I am not allowed to tamper with or hide Dumbledore’s candy. Even if I think it’s funny.
187) I am not to refer to Professor McGonagall as “cat girl”. Nor am I to attempt to stop her transforming ½ way through, even though I think cat girls are cute.
188) I will not charm Hermione’s time turner to turn every ½ hour.
189) I will stop claiming that X-Files tapes are “Auror training tapes.”
190) I will stop sending forged love notes to Snape that appear to be from Lupin.
191) I cannot see the Grim Reaper and I must not say he is standing behind Dumbledore and tapping his watch.
192) House Elves are not there to do my homework.
193) OMGWTF is not a spell.
194) I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.
195) The teaching staff are not “Dumbledore’s filthy assistants”.
196) The fact that there are only 3 Unforgivable Curses does not make every other curse pretty much forgivable.
197) “The lady doth protest too much methinks” will not change McGonagall’s mind...about anything.
198) I will not perform the odd Obliviate spell on Dumbledore no matter how funny I think it is.
199) Asking Snape if his sister’s ok after that house fell on her is tasteless and will earn you a month of detention.
200) Shouting “Abracadabra” can be misheard and start a panic.
201) I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they are basically useless because the smartest kid in the school is in another house.
202) I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.
203) I will not joke that Flitwick went to “Charm school”.
204) I will not stack Trelawney’s Tarot deck so the first five cards are the Devil, the Tower, the Hanged Man, Judgement and Death, showing she knows nothing about Tarot and just likes being dramatic.
205) I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
206) I will not tell first years that House Points are like Golf scores...Aim low.
207) I will not re-enact Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.
208) It is generally accepted that Dogs and Dragons do not interbreed and I am not to attempt to disprove this theory. No matter how “wicked” the results would be.
209) When fighting Death Eaters I am not to point my wand upward and shout, “There can only be ONE”.
210) I will stop insinuating that McGonagall and Mrs Norris have an inappropriate relationship.
211) Madam Hooch’s name is just that, I will not ask her to share. Nor will I ask her to fly under the influence.
212) I am not to charm the words “ferret boy” onto Draco’s Malfoy’s forehead. He does not like being reminded of that incident.
213) I must not challenge the Prefects to meet me on the Quidditch pitch for a Duel at dawn.
214) I cannot perform the Avada Kadavra curse, and pretending I can to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
215) I am not Voldemort’s illegitimate love child and need to stop claiming to be so.
216) Professor Snape’s problem is not that he “needs to get laid”.
217) I am not to ask Dumbledore if the size of his beard is “compensating for something”
218) I will not ask if Remus Lupin has had all his jabs.
219) I shall not give Peeves a paintball gun full of pink pellets and lock him in Snape’s office.
220) I shall not give Peeves a paintball gun full stop.
221) Telling first year Hufflepuffs that Voldemort is trying to exterminate them is not funny.
222) I must not ask Harry Potter if I can see his ‘philosopher’s stones.’
223) Telling Draco Malfoy I am getting him a ferret for Xmas is not funny.
224) Asking Sirius if I can scratch him behind the ears is rude.
225) Calling Draco “drakie poo” and pimp slapping him when he doesn’t answer is not acceptable. Ever.
226) Telling my mother that Professor Snape is teaching me to make a Sex Slave potion for Hermione to use on Ron is embarrassing, rude and will get me 3 weeks of detention.
227) I will not teach Peeves “the Knacker Song” and send him to Firenze’s family reunion. He has enough drama as it is.
228) Telling Pansy Parkinson that Percy Weasley wants to have hot passionate sex with her and giving her fabricated love letters to prove it, is cruel and unusual punishment. (they deserved it at the time)
229) Sending Fred and George Weasley a long file of images of twins having sex is nasty.
230) Sending pictures of Cedric Diggory naked in the prefect bathroom to my friend and giving him her reply is mean. ( to him not my friend)
231) I will not Tie-dye all the owls.
232) I will not write all my essays in red and claim it is blood.
233) I am not to steal Flitwick’s wand, hold it above his head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
234) I will not refer to Aragog as “Charlotte”
235) Professor Flitwick’s first name is Filius, not Yoda.
236) I should not ask Prof. McGonagall if while in cat form she has ever coughed up a hairball.
237) I will not leave catnip on my desk in Transfiguration. I was not being thoughtful.
238) I will not tell Voldemort, “dude, get a life.”
239) When applying for a post at the Ministry, I should not write “Fred and George Weasley” as my greatest influence at Hogwarts. Putting Lord Voldemort is probably not best either.
240) I will not don a hood and walk up to Harry Potter claiming to be his real mother.
241) I will not insist that Voldemort is really Hitler or Osama Bin Laden in disguise.
242) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts.
243) I am not to substitute chocolate-flavoured laxatives for Lupin’s prescription strength chocolate.
244) Bubotubers are not filled with delicious tasting honey and I am not to convince the first years otherwise.
245) Portable swamps are not funny.
246) Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy and does not need to be told... again.
247) No part of my uniform is edible. I am not allowed to make any part of my uniform edible.
248) Bungee jumping off the Astronomy tower is against the rules. Even if it isn’t actually written anywhere.
249) The Easter bunny is not Jesus’ Animagus form.
250) I am no longer to discuss my theory that Voldemort is Sauron’s second cousin.
251) The Bludger is not a bowling ball, and Snape is not a bowling pin. I am not to attempt to disprove this.
252) I will not tell people I can see Thestrals if I can’t. I will also not tell first years that only a true witch or wizard can see them and if they can’t then the obviously “aren’t cut out for this school and should go home now”.
253) I will not attempt to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in Animagus form.
254) I will not feed Prof. McGonagall lasagne.
255) I will not ask people what their Daemons are.
256) I am not allowed to trade first years between the houses.
257) I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on the house ghosts and attempting to do so merely offends.
258) I am not allowed to sneak into Snape’s private chamber to watch him sing “I will survive” in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
259) I will not ask Ginny the correct way to strangle a chicken.
260) I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley’s forehead.
261) Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the Rose Seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.
262) The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any Hentai film.
263) I am not the Defence Against the Boring Classes professor.
264) Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear professor.
265) I am not a professor at all.
266) Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins.
267) I must not mock Umbridge in front of the press.
268) I must not speak Latin in front of the books.
269) Professor Snape does not like being called “Snookums”.
270) Neither does he respond favourably to “Sev”, “Snapey poo”, or “Debbie”.
271) Hagrid does not have relationships with the magical creatures, and I must stop suggesting he does.
272) I am not authorised to sell incriminating photos of the faculty to the students.
273) Giving them out free is also frowned upon.
274) A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking my nose, playing snooker, or drumming on desks. No matter how bored I am.
275) I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as “Cannon fodder”.
276) Neville is not my personal valet.
277) I will not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.
278) Novelty or Holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
279) There is no “bring a muggle to school day”. And I should stop insisting there is.
280) I will not put books of muggle fairytales in the history section of the library.
281) I will not subvert the lock on the fourth floor girls’ bathroom and sell its location as the chamber of secrets.
282) I will not ink my owl’s feet, have it walk across a parchment and sell it as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes. Even if Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
283) I will not enchant the telescopes to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L.s
284) A muggle vacuum cleaner is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
285) Hogsmeade village is not “a wretched hive of scum and villainy”.
286) I will not use Gryffindor and Slytherin first years as Xmas decorations.
287) I will not dye the Death Eaters robes pink.
288) Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the wall is not funny.
289) I must not call the Professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their schooldays.
290) “Y’all check this here shit out,” is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
291) Revel fires are for dancing round, not disposing of old love letters, or sensitive documents.
292) Ravenclaws do not find signs saying, “The library is closed for an indefinite period of time” amusing.
293) Stealing first years’ clothing and tossing it into the Whomping Willow is frowned upon.
294) Mrs Norris does not like playing with Blast Ended Skrewts.
295) Sneaking slugs into Ron’s food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of that incident.
296) Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.
297) Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.
298) I am not the Wicked Witch of the West.
299) I will not refer to Umbridge as such either.
300) I will not melt if you pour water on me.
301) Neither will Umbridge.
302) Lucius Malfoy is not my “Sugar Daddy”, and I will not claim he is.
303) That goes double when Draco is within earshot.
304) I am not allowed to take house points from firsties for being “too goddamned short”.
305) Never, ever attempt to correct Moody about anything.
306) I must not call Headmaster Dumbledore “mum”
307) Nor Prof. Snape.
308) I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms on the professors.
309) I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms on the prefects.
310) I am not allowed to use Silencing Charms at all.
311) I am not allowed to prophesise the end of the world more than once.
312) I will not attempt to sell Hagrid new creatures.
313) Especially if I actually have them.
314) I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.
315) Especially not one-way tickets.
316) Singing “99 bottles of potion on the wall” nonstop will result in a detention.
317) Playgirl & Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.
318) Woad and other camouflage/ body paints are not needed for DADA.
319) I must not throw Fanged Frisbees in the great hall.
320) I shouldn’t use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
321) I shouldn’t show up at the front gates messily drunk and wearing part of another house’s uniform.
322) I will not only wear “wizard hat, open robe and tie” and call it an authorized uniform.
323) Teaching exchange students to taunt the Hufflepuffs is not nice.
324) When detained by Dementors I do not have the right to a strip search.
325) Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.
326) I will not test Potions assignments by spiking Snape’s pumpkin juice with them.
327) Especially not all of them at once.
328) I will not attempt to sell off my old piercings as “priceless muggle artefacts.”
329) I will stop asking Prof. Lupin what goes on between him and Prof. Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane Potion every month.
330) Luna Lovegood does not have pointy ears, nor is she to be addressed as “Galadriel”.
331) Lucius Malfoy does not have pointy ears, nor is he to be addressed as “Haldir”
332) Prof. Snape definitely does not have pointy ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as Spock.
333) I will stop substituting Prof. Lupin’s Wolfsbane Potion with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.
334) I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling in winter and cry”My God, It’s full of stars.”
335) I am not to sing “we’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz” when on my way to Dumbledore’s office.
336) I am definitely not to sing it with house elves acting as a backing group.
337) Especially with kazoos
338) I am not to hit Bludgers at spectators.
339) Or the referee
340) I will not commit crimes and claim I was under the Imperius Curse.
341) I will not insult people and say I was given Veritaserum.
342) I will not give people Veritaserum.
343) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.
344) I am not authorised to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
345) I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order “to see what happens”.
346) Grindelwald is not my role model.
347) Nor is Voldemort.
348) I will not cast Petrificus Totalus on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
349) Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand about is not acceptable as Charms research.
350) Regardless of how much Snape’s hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it all off.
351) It is also unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to Potions class
352) No-one cares that it makes me feel “pretty”.
353) Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
354) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.
355) I am not to scare the first years by screaming “I’m melting, I’m meeeeeltiiing” while they are in the showers.
356) I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the girls or boys bathroom. Especially if they are in record mode.
357) I will not start rumours that Prof. Snape sings “I’m too sexy for my robes” while showering. Or any other activity for that matter.
358) Telling people that Prof. Snape is a snake Animagus is not wise.
359) I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark anywhere on my body.
360) I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs the Dark Lord eats them for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them if they inform anyone of this warning he will choose them to be next.
361) Singing “Wild Thing, you make my heart sing” whenever you see Prof. Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.
362) Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Xmas tree ate a student.
363) I am not to walk on water in front of muggles.
364) Draco Malfoy is not a Vampire.
365) Especially not one called “Spike”.
366) Calling Voldemort “Baldemort” is not appropriate.
367) I cannot lock the Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room together and lay bets on which house comes out alive.
368) I am not to dismantle the Weasleys’ flying car and rebuild it inside Snape’s classroom.
369) I must not charm all dictionaries to show Gryffindors as the definition of gullible.
370) Prof. Snape’s given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing Glimmer McSparkles.
371) Robes are not optional.
372) There is no such thing as the Hufflepuff Marshmallow man.
373) Even if I do conjure him up. Which I shouldn’t.
374) Leaving love notes signed “your secret admirer, Harry Potter,” in Neville Longbottom’s books is both unfunny and cruel.
375) I will not sing the Beverly Hillbillies theme tune when the Weasley family passes by.
376) Asking the Weasley twins “so, do you 2 do everything together?” is ill advised.
377) Telling Lucius what he can do with his staff is not advisable.
378) Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him towards a sleeping Harry Potter is a bad idea all round.
379) Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.
380) Coming up behind Harry while he is glowering at Draco and shouting “oh, just kiss him already” is not funny.
381) Even if Luna says “yes, I thought so too”.
382) I am not to suggest to 1st years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
383) I will not send forged letters to the parents of muggle born 1st years detailing the satanic rituals they have been learning.
384) I will not ask Dobby why he doesn’t look more like Orlando Bloom.
385) Or if he works for Santa in the off season.
386) I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione. Especially if it isn’t true.
387) Asking Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I can keep him as a pet was not appropriate either.
388) I will stop pasting happy face stickers onto Lupin’s office door.
389) I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
390) Sending love notes to Snape and signing them “With love Draco Malfoy XX” is inappropriate.
391) Neither is signing them “I had a great time last night, Argus Filch”.
392) Breaking into song in Potions class is not allowed.
393) Especially if the song is “I feel pretty”.
394) Or “I’m too sexy”.
395) The Slytherin prefect is called Draco Malfoy, not Rocky Horror.
396) I am not “a ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to kill Harry Potter” and I must stop shouting this at mealtimes.
397) I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo, “how’s my Blondie-bear?”
398) I must not call Lucius Malfoy “Jareth”.
399) The caretaker is called Filch not Riff-raff, and he does not have a sister called Magenta.
400) Teaching 1st years to chorus in unison “The amazing bouncing ferret” whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is wrong. Funny, but wrong.
401) It is not tasteful to walk up to Cho Chang wearing a T-shirt saying “All the good looking ones die young” with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
402) Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.
403) While wand safety is important, I am not to distribute any pamphlet which makes reference to “Belinda the Buttless.
404) Peeves has no authority to countermand my professors or prefects orders.
405) No matter what Umbridge may tell me, I am not authorised to form press gangs.
406) When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers I am to ignore them. Attempting to disprove them is indecent.
407) Especially if I can’t.
408) Using the Engorgio charm on any part of the human body is not permitted. Even for entertainment purposes.
409) I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin mascot.
410) House ghosts do not regularly slime people.
411) There is no open mike nite at Hogwarts.
412) I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy was, is or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as “Dobby’s Homeboys”
413) If I see Death Eaters in their white masks I must not start singing anything from Phantom of the Opera.
414) I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and step out of the fireplace saying I took the Flu Network.
415) Prof. Flitwick has heard all the “swish and flick” jokes before and is very, very tired of them.
416) I will not refer to Prof. McGonagall as “Catwoman” even though think she’d look funny in tight leather.
417) I am not allowed to eat lollipops in Prof. Snape’s sight ever again.
418) I am not to use the spell used to enchant Bludgers on peas.
419) Or tomatoes, plums, oranges or any other food item. Or anything other than a Bludger.
420) I am not allowed my own private army.
421) Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.
422) I must not transfigure pepper pots into Daleks.
423) Nor can my scarf be longer than standard issue.
424) My professors have neither the time nor the inclination to listen to what I did with 6 boxes of sugar quills.
425) The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as “my Lord Ctulhu” and I am not to sacrifice 1st years to him on the full moon.
426) The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional and I must not ask Draco Malfoy or any of the Slytherin boys if they have mastered it yet.
427) The research and manufacture of mind altering substances will not earn me extra credit in Potions.
428) I am not a Vampire Slayer and Prof. Lupin is not my watcher.
429) Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
430) Neither is Prof. Snape.
431) I am not to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.
432) That includes my own.
433) I will not use the Marauders Map for stalking purposes.
434) Shouting “Accio Dobby” is not the correct way to obtain house elf assistance.
435) I will not go into Dumbledore’s Pensive looking for graphic faculty smut.
436) It is not necessary to shout “BURN!” when Snape docks house points from Gryffindor.
437) “Defying my will” is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I must not tell 1st years it is.
438) I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.
439) I will not poison 1st years, no matter how much I think they need it.
440) Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA.
441) Neither is Dracula.
442) I will not try and explain the laws of Physics, even just for arguments sake.
443) If I even look like I’m going to sing”I’ve got a song that’ll get on your nerves” I will be Obliviated.
444) Using Petrificus Totalus on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Xmas present to the house means you should watch your back till June.
445) Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.
446) If Lee Jordan was there too you’re going to need a bodyguard.
447) I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.
448) I will not sneak up to Harry and Draco during their snarly yelling matches and shout, “SLASH, SLASH, SLASH! LET’S SEE SOME SLASH!”
449) I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him they are real animals.
450) I will not play the Darth Vader theme tune for Prof. Snape.
451) However when Lucius Malfoy visits I may play it.
452) If I insist on carrying out my plans of writing,”Riddle-de-dee, A Voldemort musical”, I should do so under a nom-de-plume.
453) I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself, even if he would look good in tap shoes.
454) Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as “Dumb and Dumber”.
455) I must not attempt to find out if Malfoy is a natural blond.
456) The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as “Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross dressing”.
457) Even if that is an accurate description.
458) Singing “Ding dong the witch is dead” is never appropriate.
459) I am not allowed to spank others.
460) Even if Malfoy liked it.
461) No matter how varied the uses and entertaining the results, I am not to indulge in fun with Duct Tape.
462) This goes double for superglue.
463) I am not to dance naked in the Great Hall.
464) Or the grounds.
465) Generally, dancing naked is wrong.
466) Despite the appearance of the employees and vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.
467) While in the company of goblins, I must not demand to be taken to Jareth.
468) Nor shall I tell them they “remind me of the babe”.
469) Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and a bit of a cuddle at bedtime.
470) Not even if he insists that he does. And his father has hired me to provide said service.
471) I am not to call Hogwarts “The most covert anti-Death Eater organisation in the world”.
472) Asking Harry how his parents are is cruel
473) I am not to wear my “Death Eater and proud of it” T-shirt to school.
474) Voldemort is not my homey.
475) Don’t tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes round singing “Dance, Dark Lord, Dance”
476) Using love potions on people without permission is illegal. Therefore I will not make Harry fall in love with Pansy Parkinson... again.
477) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
478) Or a Death Eater.
479) Or Prof. Snape
480) Or Harry Potter.
481) Or Draco Malfoy and claim to be a vampire.
482) I am not allowed to dress up at Halloween.
483) I will not put Harry and Draco in a closet together and see if freaky gay love occurs.
484) In Divination, I am not to predict that Prof. Snape is going to kill Neville no matter how funny his girl screams are.
485) Fortune cookies are not allowed in Divination class.
486) At the end of year battle with Voldemort I will not go up to Harry and say”may the force be with you.”
487) I am not to declare today, ”Hug a Slytherin day”
488) Getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the time warp will not earn me house points.
489) I will not steal Gryffindors sword and use it to patrol hallways.
490) It is not necessary for me to yell “BAM” every time I apparate.
491) Parseltongue is not available as a foreign language course.
492) “Quidditch players do it in the air” broom stickers are not allowed.
493) I am not allowed to make lightsabre sounds with my wand.
494) I am not Xena, Warrior Princess, and I will not use war cries to signal my entrance into a class.
495) I am not to walk into Herbology singing the theme to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”.
496) I will not refer to Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup.
497) I will not charm suits of armour to do a rendition of “ Knights of the Round Table” during the Xmas feast.
498) I will not tell 1st years that S.P.E.W. badges are the latest trend.
499) I will not sell Ron’s chess set on E-Bay. No matter how much I can get for it.
500) I will not tell McGonagall to shove her biscuits up her ass.
501) I will not tell 1st years that centaurs give out free pony rides.
502) I am not to set Umbridge’s cardigan on fire...no matter how ugly it is.
503) I will not poke a Hippogriff with a stick.
504) I will not dress up as Voldemort, walk up to Harry and claim to be his real father.
505) I will not piss off Filch...unless I know I can’t get caught.
506) I will not hand out condoms to 1st years and tell them to “have fun.”
507) I will not underestimate the power of Firewhiskey.
508) I will not toss Mrs Norris into the lake, to see if she can swim.
509) I will not try to beat the Weasley twins... I already know it can’t be done.
510) My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy Pants” and I am not to sign my papers as such.
511) I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a dustbuster on Harry’s lips to get him to do what I want.
512) I am not king of the potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.
513) I will not tell Ginny that Cho is hitting on Harry just for kicks.
514) I will not tell Prof. Flitwick that Charms is for sissies.
515) I will not give Hagrid’s rock cakes to 1st years & tell them it’s Honeydukes’ latest.
516) I will not tell Snape that real men wear pink.
517) I will not tell Moaning Myrtle that Harry wants to take her on a date.
518) I will not hide Hermione’s textbooks and send her on a scavenger hunt for them.
519) I will not put love potion in chocolates and send them to cute boys.
520) I will not call Harry Emo... to his face.
521) I will not tell 1st years that singing the school song wards off dangerous creatures in the forbidden forest.
522) I will not tell Gryffindors that Dumbledore was really a Slytherin.
523) I will not leave condoms in the broom cupboards.
524) I will not play Quidditch in the corridors.
525) I will not tell Hufflepuffs they suck at life.
526) I will not tell Slytherins that Voldie likes me more.
527) I am not allowed to give Gryffindors Pixie Stix.
528) I will not sing “the Badger Song” during Hufflepuff vs Slytherin Quidditch matches.
529) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.
530) “Draco Malfoy takes it up the arse!” is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
531) I will not scare Arithmancy students with my Calculus books.
532) There is no such place as the Chamber of Double Secret Probation.
533) I will not tell 1st years that Acromantula make good pets.
534) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife.
535) I will not try to start “naked Thursdays” in the common room.
536) I will not put “hex me” signs on people’s backs.
537) I will not paint the house elves blue.
538) I will not start a Hogwarts fight club.
539) I will not introduce myself to 1st years as “Tim the Enchanter”.
540) The answer to the Ravenclaw doorknocker’s riddle is never “your mum!”
541) If Prof. McGonagall calls me into her office the correct form of address is “you wanted to see me professor” not “I have it on good authority you have no evidence.”
542) I will not tell Crabbe & Goyle their village called and they want their idiots back.
543) I will not try & get Sirius spayed.
544) If I think any males in the school are excited to see me I will not ask if that is a wand in their pocket. I really don’t want to know.
545) I must not decorate Harry’s Firebolt & tell him I “pimped his ride”.
546) I must not charm the walls to moan when teachers pass by.
547) I must not transfigure Pansy into a pug!
548) I will not tell First Years there is a Gingerbread house deep in the Forbidden Forest.
549) I will not submit all my assignments in French.
550) I will ask before putting up posters in school.
551) I must not dye Draco’s hair green for big Quidditch games.
552) I will not put bombs in the mashed potatoes.
553) I will not play with fire.
554) I will not let pigs have the run of the school.
555) I must not hex the teachers so they only speak Greek.
556) I must not randomly scream out “pussy” or “cock”.
557) I will not use the excuse “Bob ate my homework.”
558) I must NOT do the boys’ make-up.
559) I will not enchant the toilets to sing when you flush them.
560) I will not make the chalk run away from the teachers.
561) I must not transfigure my desk into ice cream. Even if I’m hungry.

DISCLAIMER- I don't own these, I simply found them online! I own NOTHING you recognize, and nothing in general. This is simply for enjoyment!!