I found this wise letter written to a, well, if i कहा what i wanted to, it would take too long. So, just read.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always मैक्सी pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ या Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding या साल्सा dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the समुद्र तट in tight, white shorts. But my प्रिय feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that मैक्सी pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell आप how सुरक्षित and secure I feel each महीना knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have आप ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing आप haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few मिनटों from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with चाकू skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, आप must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. आप surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written द्वारा drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, आप of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always मैक्सी pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”

Are आप fucking kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a दिन in which आप have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so आप don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting राइफल and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the प्यार of God, pull your head out, man. If आप just have to slap a moronic message on a मैक्सी pad, wouldn’t it make और sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” या “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? या are आप just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one मिनट miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX


I like that person. Just remember, no riffles, hammers, या running over people.